The Happy Ending

Hollywood Assistants like The Happy Ending. I’m taking one for the team today, dear readers, because I’m not really a big fan of Happy Ending. In fact, I loathe and abhor going there. I’ve been know to utter the words “I’d rather stab a fork in my eye than go to Happy Ending tonight.” However, recently it has come to our attention that sometimes the things we write about aren’t necessarily things only Hollywood Assistants like. One friend of ours said we could alternately title this blog “Stuff Gay Men Like”. Another friend, who lives the mirror image of my life working on the Hill in DC, suggested that we re-title it “Stuff Young, Poor, Urban Professionals Like”. So today I’m bringing you something that is singularly Hollywood, and (as far as I can tell) mostly frequented by Assistants. So in the interest of maintaining our positive vibe, I will try to limit myself to only speaking on the highlights of this place.

Happy Ending is a bar located in a somewhat iffy stretch of Sunset. It’s way far east from the glamorous (?) places on the Strip. And it’s far west of the chill places in Los Feliz/Silverlake. Its closest neighbor is The Woods on La Brea, of which I am a huge fan (and not only because it smells of cedar. But more on that later). Happy Ending’s general atmosphere is that of a TGI Friday’s mixed with a party at the dirtiest Frat in college. On the weekends there’s a DJ spinning all the tunes they played at your high school prom. There’s a giant wheel of fortune that dictates what the drink specials for the hour will be, as well as a game in the back where you can try to capture a live lobster. Kitschy, yes, but kind of fun. It’s dive-y, but not chill dive-y in the vein of St. Nick’s. It’s more cheesy dive-y. It’s kind of the nightlife equivalent of going to Chili’s for dinner. There’s nothing especially original about it, but there’s something familiar that keeps drawing you back time and time again.

Probably the best part of Happy Ending is that they’ve jumped on the fishbowl-as-drinking-apparatus bandwagon. You and your friends can share fruity, neon colored cocktails straight out of a large beach pail. In my experience, these things tend to be lethal and you will be drunk in 10 minutes. Also be sure to check your friends for any infectious diseases before dipping your straw in the communal glass. Because contrary to popular belief, alcohol won’t kill those strep throat germs that have been breeding inside your drinking buddy’s body.

Happy Ending also has Dirty Photo Hunt, probably one of my favorite bar activities and one of the best ways to kill time when your friend refuses to leave because she's chatting with the cute dude from MP Lit. Last time I checked, my friends and I held the high score. And they have valet right out front that’s only like $5! Everyone likes easy parking, and in this part of town $5 valet is a steal.

Okay, so maybe really Happy Ending isn’t that awful. It’s a good place to hold a birthday party because there will never be a line, your guy friends will have no problem getting in, and there are always plenty of tables for you to grab and make the home base for your celebration. Kind of like when you used to have your birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese and they decorated a booth that was just for you! How much more special can you get?

WHERE: 7038 W Sunset Blvd., Hollywood
COST: $22 for a The Full Service fishbowl (Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, black raspberry liqueur, orange, pineapple, and cranberry juice topped with Bacardi 151)

House Parties

Hollywood assistants love house parties. Part of the learning curve of being an assistant involves figuring out how to get ahead by playing the game. I hate hate hate using the word networking, but there’s truth to the idea that the more people you know, the better off you are in this town. So you (oftentimes begrudgingly) take lunches, do drinks, and go to “assistants-only screenings” with the goal of meeting people who might prove to be useful to you down the road. (Ugh… it makes me feel dirty and smarmy to even type this.) These occasions are more often than not incredibly awkward. I mean, I was in a sorority in college. I did the whole rush thing. So I’m familiar with making small talk with strangers. But there’s only so much you can talk about with a veritable stranger, especially when people so often get offended when you want to talk about work. No, I’m not really that interested in your job. But perhaps it will take us to a common subject.

So that’s where alcohol comes in… and lots of it. I love house parties. I get excited at even just the mention of a keg. It takes me back to the happier, responsibility-free days of college. I’ve made probably 30 times more meaningful connections at house parties than I ever have at any industry-sanctioned event. You mix a captive audience with booze and the outcome is guaranteed to be good. House parties rock for a multitude of reasons:

1) They’re usually cheaper than going out to a bar. You need to play nice and bring at least a bottle of something as an offering to your host. But considering it costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $8 to get a mixed drink at an LA bar these days, that $19.99 handle of Smirnoff (on special at Ralph’s) is a huge bargain.

2) Beer pong. If you are good, this gives you an occasion to take the spotlight for a little while. Especially if you’re honing your skills for the Assistant Beer Pong Tourney. If you are terrible (ahem… like me), you should just stay away. Unless you are a masochist and enjoy being mercilessly mocked.

3) Flip cup. This is a game that’s much more my speed. There’s really no skill involved. And it gives mucho opportunity for team bonding. The connections made at the flip cup table are priceless. It’s always fun to get an email from that assistant you work closely with on Monday morning that says “TEAM STAMOS 4-ever! It was so good hanging out with you on Sat. You’re a flip cup machine!” Makes you feel important and that they now realize you are a human (and not a robot).

4) LA bars close at 2:00. Parties can go on indefinitely… or until the cops show up and give you a noise violation.

5) Usually bars tend to object if you pass out on the banquet and wake up there the next morning. Your best friend throwing the party, however, can’t really give you any crap for crashing at her house. Especially when she figures out that you’ll be around to help clean up in the morning.

6) Thanks to Evites, you have a general idea of what the crowd is going to be like. But there’s also the opportunity for special guest stars. Depending on word of mouth, the most random (and sometimes notable) people often show up at these things. Who knows? You might even get a Defamer Privacywatch sighting out of it.

7) If its your friend’s party, you can control the music. So if you’re in the mood, you can play DJ and force all the partygoers to listen to your special mix of Miley Cyrus and Journey all night long!

So don’t ignore that Evite to Fred from X’s office’s house on Friday night just because you don’t really know him that well. Grab your friends and go! Who knows? Whether it’s a party on N. Orange Grove, or at a friend’s Mom’s house in the Valley, or even at some sketchy Hollywood Hills house you heard about from a friend of a friend, odds are that you’ll have a good time.

WHERE: Random 4-plex in the Beverlygrove area, mansion in the Valley, or house in the Hills.
COST: $19.99 for a handle of Smirnoff (don’t forget to use your Ralph’s Club Card!)

Village Idiot

Hollywood assistants like Village Idiot. It’s Friday night and you’ve had a long week. All you want to do is drink a beer (…or 10), eat some good grub, and hang out with your friends. You do not want to put on a pair of heels. You don’t want to shave your legs for that cutsie dress you picked up last weekend at Forever 21. You want to wear jeans and a cute pair of flats (not flip-flops, of course. We’re not slumming it.) So grab your buddies ‘cause we’re going over to Village Idiot.

The first thing you’ll notice upon entering this charming place on Melrose is that the owner, who greets you at the door, is 1) hot and 2) Adrien Grenier’s veritable double, but cleaner and cuter. You’ll smile and giggle a bit as you tell him you’d like a table for 4, and a booth please if he can swing it. He will be polite but ignore your advances. Don’t be offended…. This is par for the course. I think he’s married. Or at least that’s what I tell myself to feel better.

After you settle into a cozy booth by the front window, take the time to survey the crowd. Note how everyone is just slightly older and more affluent than you are. It’s okay – this is a place that inspires aspirations. Think of it as St. Nick’s plus five years and a couple of tax brackets. There are usually fun people hanging out here, so it's a good place to bring out-of-towners who are looking for a celebrity sighting. One time we saw the Peeing Politician from Sex & the City, who is now on Mad Men (a.k.a my favorite show). Happily he didn’t pee on anyone, so everybody won.

I’m a big fan of the food here. If I were ever on Death Row, I would definitely consider ordering a Village Idiot burger as my final meal. I know this probably sounds weird, but the beef melts in your mouth. It is the softest piece of meat you will ever chew. (That's what she said.) Pair it with a glass of green apple cider and a side of brussel sprouts (delicious, not gross, I swear) and I’m in heaven.

Village Idiot is conducive to some heavy drinking, but you never come out of it feeling dirty like you would at some other places. One time we commandeered a booth for four hours and played Color War – white wine vs. red wine. Four bottles later, we were a little worse for the wear. Yeah, I probably could’ve put that $40 towards a more useful cause, such as paying down my credit card debt. But would I have spent my Friday night getting blotto on good wine under the watchful eye of Adrien Grenier’s hot older brother? I think not. I live for the experience man. And so should you. So embrace the (slightly) nicer side of LA and head over to the VI. Tell them I sent you. And ask the owner if he still has my number… because he never called. He must’ve lost it.

WHERE: 7383 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles 90046
COST: About $30 for burger and a couple of beers

Malo

Hollywood Assistants like Malo. And why is that? Because deep down inside, all us Hollywood Assistants desperately wish we were hipsters…and we’re totally not. I’m a firm believer that true hipsters cannot be Hollywood assistants. Sure, you may like Tokyo Police Club and wear black skinny jeans but you’re not a hipster. Of course, hipsters can work in the business, but to be an actual hipster assistant is totally unfeasible. I mean the whole basis of hipster culture is having a ‘fuck you’ attitude to everything. And no offense, making doctor’s appointments for your boss (and sometimes his or her kids!), picking up their dog’s shit, and leaving word thirty times a day does not really fall into that category. A true hipster would have said “fuck you. Pick up your own dog’s shit and try that client on his cell yourself. I’m out” on their very first day on the job. Luckily for us though, there is Malo; where we can all pretend to be of the hipster breed for at least one meal’s worth.

Located in Silver Lake (and please, spare me. Silver Lake is closer to the Grove than Santa Monica by like 15 minutes and like 5 miles), Malo is a hipster Mecca. It’s also one of the best places in LA to come with a big group of friends. Whether you’re sitting in the dimly lit gothic designed indoor dining room or the outside patio with twinkle lights, you’re going to enjoy yourself. The place is loud but not deafening. Full of pretty but modest people. Hipsters may have the connotation of being a bit pompous but Malo is unpretentious. In fact, they’re very welcoming. And that’s something us non-hipster Hollywood assistants can be thankful for.

It wasn’t until my fifth or sixth visit to Malo that a friend finally told me what “Malo” meant (hey, I took French in high school!). At first I was insulted. Bad? Malo is not bad! It’s amazing. But then I realized the name was meant to be ironic. Silly hipsters. And this made me love Malo even more (besides, who wants to go to a restaurant called Bueno?). Malo is far from bad. In fact, it’s delicious. The chips are heaven sent. Really. They’re homemade and incredible. Unlike most Mexican restaurants you do need to purchase your salsa at Malo but do not let this discourage you! Malo is cheap. So having to buy your salsa is not really putting a huge dent in your wallet. Most entrees range from $8 to $16 (and that’s for like lobster). Portions are adequate. But let’s get serious here. The best part of Malo is the mojitos. As a person who enjoys drinking for the sake of getting drunk, I would actually drink a mojito as an actual drink (like a Diet Coke or something). They’re cool, refreshing and luscious. The mojitos are so thirst quenching that I could seriously drink 10 of them (but no one would want to see a Spring Break ’04 flashback).

To bring out your inner hipster you should definitely check out Malo (and make sure you wear your leggings and discuss your recent Coachella experience – “The Cool Kids were great but the Shout Out Louds were unbelievable!”). Dining at Malo will surely be the highlight of your weekend. And then come Monday you’ll slip back into your Banana Republic slacks and start rolling calls like the hapless serf that you are while still dreaming of chips, guacamole and mojitos. Malo has that effect on people because it really is just that bueno.

WHERE: 4326 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90029
COST: Around $30 for mojito, flautas, chips with guacamole and tip!

Arclight

Hollywood Assistants like the Arclight. One of the main problems with today’s movie theaters is that they are usually found in malls. Now don’t get me wrong, I love malls. I grew up in suburbia and the mall was like my drug of choice all throughout adolescence (who needed beer when you could drink a delicious milkshake at Johnny Rockets?). To this day I still enjoy walking into a mall, smelling that weird mall smell and seeing like a bajillion baby carriages as well as little kids having scary temper tantrums. And while it’s totally fine to deal with that stuff when you just want to buy some flip flops at Old Navy it is the main reason why I don’t want to see a movie at a mall. Sure, it’s like killing two birds with one stone: see the latest Jackie Chan flick and then get your ears pierced at the Icing, but is it really a truly enjoyable experience? Parking alone makes me want to rip my eyes out and turn around and go home and just watch an America’s Next Top Model Marathon. Don’t even get my started on a mall during Christmas time. And that, my friends, is why Hollywood Assistants like the Arclight.

It’s fair to say the Arclight is the nicest movie theater in Los Angeles. I’d even go so far to say the world. And maybe even the galaxy. The Arclight is unlike any other movie going experience. For starters, it has assigned seating! Can you freaking believe that? It’s only taken like one hundred years for movie theaters to realize that you could actually assign seats to people going to see a show (unlike live theater which has had that under control for six hundred years already but whatever). The best part of assigned seating is that if you buy your tickets in advance you can just show up to the theater like two minutes before the movie starts. No hassle, no worries of getting a sore neck or going blind from sitting in the front row. Though if you are too late to the movie they won’t let you in. Which is another reason why I love the Arclight so much. There’s nothing I hate more than having some asshole show up to a movie five minutes late. It’s seriously distracting to me. I stare at them and concentrate of when they're going to go. Are they going to sit near me? Will I have to move? Am I going to miss a pivotal scene and thus be totally lost for the rest of the movie if they walk past me? Ugh, it’s seriously frustrating and makes me totally lose focus. I should be focusing on Cameron Diaz! Not some tardy jerk. But luckily at the Arclight if you show up late then too bad for you. It’s like an airplane. You missed your boarding call, well too bad. The airplane is closed shut and you’re just going to have to go standby for the next one. Suck on that, slow pokes.

Another great thing about the Arclight is the people who work there. Everyone wears a badge with their name printed on it along with their favorite movie. Just the thought of wearing the name of my favorite movie pinned onto my shirt stresses me out and makes me really reevaluate my life. What movie would I put on there? Would I go with a classic? Or some teen comedy that I can recite by heart? Oh, the choices. I’m not going to lie but I totally judge the guy selling me popcorn based on his favorite movie. I like the people who are the most honest best. In my opinion it’s so much cooler to say your favorite movie is Dumb and Dumber rather than The Battleship Potempkin (so pretentious). Another thing I like about the staff is that before each movie one of them comes out and introduces themselves. They give you some information about the film you are about to enjoy (good for those who have gone into the wrong theater!) and tell you they will be standing to the side to make sure that the sound and picture is to the highest standard (like our very own flight attendants!). It's beyond crazy. It's like "seriously? You’re going to do that? Just for us? Wow. Can you get me a pillow while you're at it?" That is first class service if I’ve ever seen it. And it really comes in handy too. Like the time I went to see No Country for Old Men and Fred Claus accidentally began playing. We just called out for our new friend Steve and he fixed it right away. Goodbye Vince, hello Javier!

The Arclight really is one of the greatest places in Los Angeles. Sure, it costs a fortune but it’s worth it. Really, really worth it. The only downfall is after going to the Arclight you get spoiled. This really is a one of a kind movie going experience. The thought of having to go to a theater early and find seats and then worry that some loser is going to stumble in late and you're going to miss the funniest joke of the whole movie is horrifying. And what if god forbid the picture is off and the sound is distorted? Where's Steve when you need him?? I need Steve! So that’s why if I have a choice I’m always going to go to the Arclight. Even if there’s nothing good playing there I’ll still go; that’s how I can explain seeing such movies like Mad Money and Martian Child. Though the 21+ screenings (where you can actually bring alcohol from the bar into the theater) helps with the pain of seeing a really bad movie. And let's face it, one day we hope to see one of our own movies in the Dome at the Arclight. One day, fellow assistants, one day.

WHERE: 6360 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028
COST: $11-$14 based on the day and time (but worth every single penny!)

St. Nick's

Hollywood Assistants like St. Nick's. I can remember vividly the first time I walked through the doors of St. Nick’s. My life has never been the same. People always say a dive bar is a dive bar, but I truly believe St. Nick’s is different. Sure, it is a dive bar, but it’s also so much more.

My first visit was in June of 2005 and on that night I immediately became friends with the bartenders, danced to ‘80s music, filled my memory card with pictures (mostly self-portraits) and puked in the bathroom. How many places in LA can you say that about? I was new to Los Angeles, still had no job, was living on a friend’s couch and was extremely doe-eyed. While I don’t remember leaving the bar that night, I do remember the morning after and thinking “wow, now that was a fun bar.” And my mind didn’t change after frequenting that bar at least once a week that summer (sometimes Friday night and Saturday night and even some weeknights). I can seriously write a novel about that summer. It was kind of like sleep-away camp. During the day we were all at our activities (i.e. finding jobs and learning to navigate the city) and then at night it was camp social (i.e. intoxicated pleasure at St. Nick’s). It was the best summer ever and St. Nick’s soon became the best bar ever (like our very own St. Elmo’s Fire).

And luckily for us it has continued to be the best bar ever. It’s way cheap, always fun, and totally easy. But what this Hollywood Assistant loves most about St. Nick’s is its familiarity. In this crazy, fast and scary world it’s nice to know that St. Nick’s always stays the same. From weekday work drinks to Friday night gatherings with your closest friends, St. Nick’s remains faithful. You're guaranteed to run into someone here. Whether it be the guy you got low with at the CAA Young Hollywood Party or that assistant from Imagine that you totally flirt with whenever you leave word for their boss ("you better have our number or else I'll have to come to Beverly Hills and give it to you myself, hehe."). It's true, you’re not going to meet Mr. Husband there (and if you did meet your boyfriend there, break up now! He definitely has some sort of VD). St. Nick’s is the kind of place you go if you just want to have a no frills night full of fun and belligerence and maybe some making out (makeouts are fine. You can’t get VD from kissing. Or can you? If so, I’m in trouble). St. Nick’s is like the slutty girl in college. It’s not the best quality but you’re always guaranteed to have a good time if you bring her home (not that I’m the slutty girl or have brought home a slutty girl, but I know enough slutty girls to know this is true).

St. Nick’s has been there for me during the good times and the bad times and I will continue to be a loyal customer until I am too old to drink there (true story: a friend of a friend once went home with a 50 year old lady he picked up here so I think I’m good for another 25 years. Thank god, I couldn’t imagine a St. Nick’s-less life. Would it even be worth living?) But really St. Nick’s is the one of the best bars in LA and a place all Hollywood Assistants have visited at least ten times. I am truly honored to share a zip code with this local watering-hole/Hollywood Assistant base camp. Viva La St. Nick’s!

WHERE: 8450 W. 3rd St., Los Angeles, CA 90048
COST: $10 and under or free if you're friends with Edwin or Marlon