Tracking Boards

Hollywood Assistants like tracking boards. For the layfolk, tracking boards are listservs, comprised of Hollywood assistants, whose primary purpose is to facilitate the spreading of information. The reasons to like – nay, love – tracking boards are obvious. Immediate access to network ratings, new specs, pilot/series pickups, and casting announcements before they show up in tomorrow’s Hollywood Reporter. There’s nothing more satisfying than being able to present your boss with an elusive script (“Dollhouse? I found it in like, two seconds. And what, Whedon?!”) or insider gossip (“Marc Korman is totally leaving UTA for Endeavor!”). Need to find the best desk drawer maker who works primarily with pinewood and can ship to a remote cabin in Tahoe in 24 hours’ notice? Ask the tracking board. You may not get an answer, but you may discover someone who sympathizes with such an absurd request, thus vindicating the timesuck you’ve found yourself in.

Tracking boards make even the biggest slackers among us appear smart, well connected, and resourceful - which, in turn, brings us one step closer to the elusive thing we're all chasing: a promotion. Of course, if you'd rather jump ship from the chains weighing you down in your current cube, tracking boards are also supremely useful in helping you find the latest UTA list, job opening, or even your replacement.

Like all good things, though, tracking boards can be flawed. When your daily to-do list rivals the Dead Sea Scroll, the last thing your inbox needs is a chain 45 e-mails long dissecting the intricacies of a Youtube video that showcases some British baby named Charlie with a propensity for biting fingers (or, for that matter, someone asking you about a pinewood specialist – how the f*ck do you know?).

Nor do you want to read about someone “graciously” giving up their front row tickets to that sold out concert at the Hollywood Bowl / 8pm dinner reservation at Mozza / VIP access to the premiere party in Westwood. We get it – you have connections, you have a social calendar. Good for you. We don’t need your leftovers. And, let’s be honest: we really don’t care about your “I’m getting laid” announcement thinly veiled as a search for “a great restaurant in West Hollywood for a date.”

So herein lay the secret reason Hollywood assistants like tracking boards - whether it be witty banter, an inside joke, or a self-referential anecdote, we love to give our proverbial two cents, we love to self-promote, and, above all, we love to talk about ourselves. Why else do we have a blog?

WHERE: Hollywood
COST: Your soul.

Runyon Canyon

Hollywood Assistants like Runyon Canyon. Growing up in suburbia I spent most of my spare time at the mall and the little activity I did have outdoors was reserved for gym class. Going to college in Boston didn’t lend much outdoors time either. Sure, we’d walk up and down Newbury (with constant stops at stores, Starbucks, brunch spots and the occasional bar – hello, freshman 15), or stumble home drunk in the snow (drunk snow angels in the Common are the best!), but real physical activity outdoors was limited. That all changed once I moved to Los Angeles and was introduced to a little place called Runyon Canyon.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: what LA lacks in culture and architecture it makes up for in scenery. Only in Los Angeles, can you have 7/11 upon 7/11, gas station upon gas station and then tucked in the hills, a big, beautiful canyon to hike in. It’s truly surreal.

Runyon Canyon is a lot like Hollywood. On your first visit you’re in for a rude awakening. I always knew I was out of shape but I didn’t realize just how out of shape I was until I went to Runyon for the first time. And unfortunately for me, the friends I was with thought it’d be best to go up the hard way: meaning up those ridiculously steep steps. Slugging up those steps I thought I was climbing to my death. It was truly hell. As little Pomeranians and Shitz tzus passed me, I truly wanted to turn around and never look back up. But then I realized that if those tiny teacup dogs with legs shorter than one of my fingers could do it then so could I. And I did. Out of breath, flushed, and chugging my water the whole time, but still.

I’ll never go up those steep steps again. But going up the other way is totally cool and actually really good exercise. It’s not like walking on the treadmill with an inclination of 10. It’s better. Not only do you get fresh air (what a concept!), but you also get to see some really ridiculous people (and dogs). From celebrities to crazies to iron men, Runyon is full of a motley group of Los Angelenos. It’s kind of like walking down 3rd Street except you’re on a huge slant overlooking the beautiful landscape of our beloved city (and there’s no possible chance you’ll run into Joan’s for a red velvet cupcake though you should totally stop by there after because seriously you just had a really hard workout and totally deserve it).

WHERE: 200 N. Fuller Ave, LA, CA 90046 (though there are several entrances to the park)
COST: OMG! Free.

Village Idiot

Hollywood assistants like Village Idiot. It’s Friday night and you’ve had a long week. All you want to do is drink a beer (…or 10), eat some good grub, and hang out with your friends. You do not want to put on a pair of heels. You don’t want to shave your legs for that cutsie dress you picked up last weekend at Forever 21. You want to wear jeans and a cute pair of flats (not flip-flops, of course. We’re not slumming it.) So grab your buddies ‘cause we’re going over to Village Idiot.

The first thing you’ll notice upon entering this charming place on Melrose is that the owner, who greets you at the door, is 1) hot and 2) Adrien Grenier’s veritable double, but cleaner and cuter. You’ll smile and giggle a bit as you tell him you’d like a table for 4, and a booth please if he can swing it. He will be polite but ignore your advances. Don’t be offended…. This is par for the course. I think he’s married. Or at least that’s what I tell myself to feel better.

After you settle into a cozy booth by the front window, take the time to survey the crowd. Note how everyone is just slightly older and more affluent than you are. It’s okay – this is a place that inspires aspirations. Think of it as St. Nick’s plus five years and a couple of tax brackets. There are usually fun people hanging out here, so it's a good place to bring out-of-towners who are looking for a celebrity sighting. One time we saw the Peeing Politician from Sex & the City, who is now on Mad Men (a.k.a my favorite show). Happily he didn’t pee on anyone, so everybody won.

I’m a big fan of the food here. If I were ever on Death Row, I would definitely consider ordering a Village Idiot burger as my final meal. I know this probably sounds weird, but the beef melts in your mouth. It is the softest piece of meat you will ever chew. (That's what she said.) Pair it with a glass of green apple cider and a side of brussel sprouts (delicious, not gross, I swear) and I’m in heaven.

Village Idiot is conducive to some heavy drinking, but you never come out of it feeling dirty like you would at some other places. One time we commandeered a booth for four hours and played Color War – white wine vs. red wine. Four bottles later, we were a little worse for the wear. Yeah, I probably could’ve put that $40 towards a more useful cause, such as paying down my credit card debt. But would I have spent my Friday night getting blotto on good wine under the watchful eye of Adrien Grenier’s hot older brother? I think not. I live for the experience man. And so should you. So embrace the (slightly) nicer side of LA and head over to the VI. Tell them I sent you. And ask the owner if he still has my number… because he never called. He must’ve lost it.

WHERE: 7383 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles 90046
COST: About $30 for burger and a couple of beers

Malo

Hollywood Assistants like Malo. And why is that? Because deep down inside, all us Hollywood Assistants desperately wish we were hipsters…and we’re totally not. I’m a firm believer that true hipsters cannot be Hollywood assistants. Sure, you may like Tokyo Police Club and wear black skinny jeans but you’re not a hipster. Of course, hipsters can work in the business, but to be an actual hipster assistant is totally unfeasible. I mean the whole basis of hipster culture is having a ‘fuck you’ attitude to everything. And no offense, making doctor’s appointments for your boss (and sometimes his or her kids!), picking up their dog’s shit, and leaving word thirty times a day does not really fall into that category. A true hipster would have said “fuck you. Pick up your own dog’s shit and try that client on his cell yourself. I’m out” on their very first day on the job. Luckily for us though, there is Malo; where we can all pretend to be of the hipster breed for at least one meal’s worth.

Located in Silver Lake (and please, spare me. Silver Lake is closer to the Grove than Santa Monica by like 15 minutes and like 5 miles), Malo is a hipster Mecca. It’s also one of the best places in LA to come with a big group of friends. Whether you’re sitting in the dimly lit gothic designed indoor dining room or the outside patio with twinkle lights, you’re going to enjoy yourself. The place is loud but not deafening. Full of pretty but modest people. Hipsters may have the connotation of being a bit pompous but Malo is unpretentious. In fact, they’re very welcoming. And that’s something us non-hipster Hollywood assistants can be thankful for.

It wasn’t until my fifth or sixth visit to Malo that a friend finally told me what “Malo” meant (hey, I took French in high school!). At first I was insulted. Bad? Malo is not bad! It’s amazing. But then I realized the name was meant to be ironic. Silly hipsters. And this made me love Malo even more (besides, who wants to go to a restaurant called Bueno?). Malo is far from bad. In fact, it’s delicious. The chips are heaven sent. Really. They’re homemade and incredible. Unlike most Mexican restaurants you do need to purchase your salsa at Malo but do not let this discourage you! Malo is cheap. So having to buy your salsa is not really putting a huge dent in your wallet. Most entrees range from $8 to $16 (and that’s for like lobster). Portions are adequate. But let’s get serious here. The best part of Malo is the mojitos. As a person who enjoys drinking for the sake of getting drunk, I would actually drink a mojito as an actual drink (like a Diet Coke or something). They’re cool, refreshing and luscious. The mojitos are so thirst quenching that I could seriously drink 10 of them (but no one would want to see a Spring Break ’04 flashback).

To bring out your inner hipster you should definitely check out Malo (and make sure you wear your leggings and discuss your recent Coachella experience – “The Cool Kids were great but the Shout Out Louds were unbelievable!”). Dining at Malo will surely be the highlight of your weekend. And then come Monday you’ll slip back into your Banana Republic slacks and start rolling calls like the hapless serf that you are while still dreaming of chips, guacamole and mojitos. Malo has that effect on people because it really is just that bueno.

WHERE: 4326 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90029
COST: Around $30 for mojito, flautas, chips with guacamole and tip!

Arclight

Hollywood Assistants like the Arclight. One of the main problems with today’s movie theaters is that they are usually found in malls. Now don’t get me wrong, I love malls. I grew up in suburbia and the mall was like my drug of choice all throughout adolescence (who needed beer when you could drink a delicious milkshake at Johnny Rockets?). To this day I still enjoy walking into a mall, smelling that weird mall smell and seeing like a bajillion baby carriages as well as little kids having scary temper tantrums. And while it’s totally fine to deal with that stuff when you just want to buy some flip flops at Old Navy it is the main reason why I don’t want to see a movie at a mall. Sure, it’s like killing two birds with one stone: see the latest Jackie Chan flick and then get your ears pierced at the Icing, but is it really a truly enjoyable experience? Parking alone makes me want to rip my eyes out and turn around and go home and just watch an America’s Next Top Model Marathon. Don’t even get my started on a mall during Christmas time. And that, my friends, is why Hollywood Assistants like the Arclight.

It’s fair to say the Arclight is the nicest movie theater in Los Angeles. I’d even go so far to say the world. And maybe even the galaxy. The Arclight is unlike any other movie going experience. For starters, it has assigned seating! Can you freaking believe that? It’s only taken like one hundred years for movie theaters to realize that you could actually assign seats to people going to see a show (unlike live theater which has had that under control for six hundred years already but whatever). The best part of assigned seating is that if you buy your tickets in advance you can just show up to the theater like two minutes before the movie starts. No hassle, no worries of getting a sore neck or going blind from sitting in the front row. Though if you are too late to the movie they won’t let you in. Which is another reason why I love the Arclight so much. There’s nothing I hate more than having some asshole show up to a movie five minutes late. It’s seriously distracting to me. I stare at them and concentrate of when they're going to go. Are they going to sit near me? Will I have to move? Am I going to miss a pivotal scene and thus be totally lost for the rest of the movie if they walk past me? Ugh, it’s seriously frustrating and makes me totally lose focus. I should be focusing on Cameron Diaz! Not some tardy jerk. But luckily at the Arclight if you show up late then too bad for you. It’s like an airplane. You missed your boarding call, well too bad. The airplane is closed shut and you’re just going to have to go standby for the next one. Suck on that, slow pokes.

Another great thing about the Arclight is the people who work there. Everyone wears a badge with their name printed on it along with their favorite movie. Just the thought of wearing the name of my favorite movie pinned onto my shirt stresses me out and makes me really reevaluate my life. What movie would I put on there? Would I go with a classic? Or some teen comedy that I can recite by heart? Oh, the choices. I’m not going to lie but I totally judge the guy selling me popcorn based on his favorite movie. I like the people who are the most honest best. In my opinion it’s so much cooler to say your favorite movie is Dumb and Dumber rather than The Battleship Potempkin (so pretentious). Another thing I like about the staff is that before each movie one of them comes out and introduces themselves. They give you some information about the film you are about to enjoy (good for those who have gone into the wrong theater!) and tell you they will be standing to the side to make sure that the sound and picture is to the highest standard (like our very own flight attendants!). It's beyond crazy. It's like "seriously? You’re going to do that? Just for us? Wow. Can you get me a pillow while you're at it?" That is first class service if I’ve ever seen it. And it really comes in handy too. Like the time I went to see No Country for Old Men and Fred Claus accidentally began playing. We just called out for our new friend Steve and he fixed it right away. Goodbye Vince, hello Javier!

The Arclight really is one of the greatest places in Los Angeles. Sure, it costs a fortune but it’s worth it. Really, really worth it. The only downfall is after going to the Arclight you get spoiled. This really is a one of a kind movie going experience. The thought of having to go to a theater early and find seats and then worry that some loser is going to stumble in late and you're going to miss the funniest joke of the whole movie is horrifying. And what if god forbid the picture is off and the sound is distorted? Where's Steve when you need him?? I need Steve! So that’s why if I have a choice I’m always going to go to the Arclight. Even if there’s nothing good playing there I’ll still go; that’s how I can explain seeing such movies like Mad Money and Martian Child. Though the 21+ screenings (where you can actually bring alcohol from the bar into the theater) helps with the pain of seeing a really bad movie. And let's face it, one day we hope to see one of our own movies in the Dome at the Arclight. One day, fellow assistants, one day.

WHERE: 6360 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028
COST: $11-$14 based on the day and time (but worth every single penny!)

St. Nick's

Hollywood Assistants like St. Nick's. I can remember vividly the first time I walked through the doors of St. Nick’s. My life has never been the same. People always say a dive bar is a dive bar, but I truly believe St. Nick’s is different. Sure, it is a dive bar, but it’s also so much more.

My first visit was in June of 2005 and on that night I immediately became friends with the bartenders, danced to ‘80s music, filled my memory card with pictures (mostly self-portraits) and puked in the bathroom. How many places in LA can you say that about? I was new to Los Angeles, still had no job, was living on a friend’s couch and was extremely doe-eyed. While I don’t remember leaving the bar that night, I do remember the morning after and thinking “wow, now that was a fun bar.” And my mind didn’t change after frequenting that bar at least once a week that summer (sometimes Friday night and Saturday night and even some weeknights). I can seriously write a novel about that summer. It was kind of like sleep-away camp. During the day we were all at our activities (i.e. finding jobs and learning to navigate the city) and then at night it was camp social (i.e. intoxicated pleasure at St. Nick’s). It was the best summer ever and St. Nick’s soon became the best bar ever (like our very own St. Elmo’s Fire).

And luckily for us it has continued to be the best bar ever. It’s way cheap, always fun, and totally easy. But what this Hollywood Assistant loves most about St. Nick’s is its familiarity. In this crazy, fast and scary world it’s nice to know that St. Nick’s always stays the same. From weekday work drinks to Friday night gatherings with your closest friends, St. Nick’s remains faithful. You're guaranteed to run into someone here. Whether it be the guy you got low with at the CAA Young Hollywood Party or that assistant from Imagine that you totally flirt with whenever you leave word for their boss ("you better have our number or else I'll have to come to Beverly Hills and give it to you myself, hehe."). It's true, you’re not going to meet Mr. Husband there (and if you did meet your boyfriend there, break up now! He definitely has some sort of VD). St. Nick’s is the kind of place you go if you just want to have a no frills night full of fun and belligerence and maybe some making out (makeouts are fine. You can’t get VD from kissing. Or can you? If so, I’m in trouble). St. Nick’s is like the slutty girl in college. It’s not the best quality but you’re always guaranteed to have a good time if you bring her home (not that I’m the slutty girl or have brought home a slutty girl, but I know enough slutty girls to know this is true).

St. Nick’s has been there for me during the good times and the bad times and I will continue to be a loyal customer until I am too old to drink there (true story: a friend of a friend once went home with a 50 year old lady he picked up here so I think I’m good for another 25 years. Thank god, I couldn’t imagine a St. Nick’s-less life. Would it even be worth living?) But really St. Nick’s is the one of the best bars in LA and a place all Hollywood Assistants have visited at least ten times. I am truly honored to share a zip code with this local watering-hole/Hollywood Assistant base camp. Viva La St. Nick’s!

WHERE: 8450 W. 3rd St., Los Angeles, CA 90048
COST: $10 and under or free if you're friends with Edwin or Marlon

Name Dropping

Hollywood Assistants like to name drop. Within their peer group, dropping names is the currency that lets those around them know how important they are and how far up the ladder they’ve climbed. Namedropping is a complex social institution in this town. There are many levels and each serves a specific purpose. By listening closely and following our color-coded guide, you can learn a lot about the true nature of a name dropper’s connection to a star.

LEVEL GREEN: The Celeb Spy
The most benign, these drops indicates that 1) This person gets out and about and sees notable people and 2) This person is enough in the know to recognize said people and drop them into conversation. This is a harmless drop, although it can become annoying if a person uses such drops constantly to make up for their lack of personality or conversation skills. Level green name drops become especially useful when one is forced to go home over the holidays and has to make conversation with high school friends with whom they no longer have anything in common.

Example: “You guys still watch The Hills? Oh, I see Audrina every morning at Coffee Bean. Girlfriend looks like a chipmunk.”

**Addendum: It is okay to text a friend if you see, say, Drew Lachey and you were both obsessed with 98 Degrees back in 9^th grade. But it is not okay to call someone and say you just saw an American Idol if you don’t watch the show and you know they don’t either. NOBODY CARES.

LEVEL YELLOW: The Work Connection
These drops are most overhead in after-work watering holes, where people who have never met before (except by phone) are attempting to forge a connection with the virtual stranger enjoying a Miller Light across the high-top table from them. When your only connection to a person you’re marooned with is your work, some people will choose to drop a name that might bring them around to a common subject.

Example: “I was on a conference call the other day, and I heard that Rachel’s considering that part in Drew’s next movie. When the call was over, Drew called my boss and said she really, really hopes that Rachel takes the role. I know she’s dying to work with her. Have you guys heard anything in your office?”

LEVEL RED: The Personal Relationship
Occasionally, a notable person will actually learn an assistant’s name. Even more rarely, they might choose to socialize with these people who serve them so faithfully during the day. Why? Your guess is as good as ours. Perhaps they want to maintain their connection to the little people so they’ll have someone to thank in their next acceptance speech. Usually these relationships tend to be one-sided and often fleeting. However, they can provide name dropping fodder for years to come. Due to loyalty to their “friend”, droppers of these names try to make it seem like while they are name dropping, they are doing it begrudgingly.

Example: “I’m really not trying to name drop, I swear. But I was at Seth’s New Years Eve party last year, and he, Jason, and Jonah threw me in the pool. It was so much fun. We killed 8 bottles of Andre between us.”

LEVEL BLACK: The Delusional Jerk
These people are either lying or exaggerating level green or yellow stories to make them much more interesting than they actually are. They consider themselves in a higher caste than the people they hang out with, and they will drop names like its no tomorrow in order to illustrate just how much better they are from you. However, the secret is out: these folks are full of shit.

Example: “Wilmer invited me out the other night, and while we were sitting at his table at Villa, he offered me the last seat on his jet to Cabo next weekend. But I don’t think I’m going to go… I have other plans.”

Name dropping is just a don’t. We all interact with famous people. Hello, that’s why we all got into the entertainment industry in the first place. But that doesn’t mean we need to rub each and every encounter in our loved ones’ faces. Save a really good name drop for a special occasion and just forget all the others. Your friends and family will thank you for it. (Oh, sorry guys, gotta run. Corey Haim just walked into my office..)

WHERE: Every studio, agency, production office, bar, restaurant, etc. in LA
COST: Your integrity