Stuff Hollywood Assistants Like...

Wally's

2009-05-14T17:20:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Wally’s. The funny thing about working in Hollywood is that even though the economy is in the toilet and corporations all over the country are making extreme cutbacks, a few things always hold true. Certain execs will continue to use their private jets, even if that means they must sacrifice every assistant working at their company, leaving only their SVPs to roll their calls for them. Agents will still order the $40 filet mignon for lunch at the Grill on the Alley and leave it untouched as they pitch clients for 45 minutes straight to the producer sitting across the table from them. And expensive bottles of wine will constantly transverse the greater Los Angeles area to serve as a way to say “Thank You”, “Congratulations”, “Mazel Tov”, “Happy Birthday”, “Condolences”, and “Sorry that your summer blockbuster opened to only $4.5 million”.

That’s why Wally’s is the go-to destination for assistants in search of the perfect gift… or at least a fail proof solution to the standard “Send Bob a bottle of something. Something nice!” order. Don’t let the name fool you. I know it might conjure up images of National Lampoon’s Vacation and the Griswold family’s doomed trip to Wally World. But don’t worry – you won’t have to kidnap John Candy to get them to give you the goods.

Wally’s means business and they know their stuff. They seem to stock every varietal imaginable, including many that I’ve never heard of… and I consider myself quite the wine-o. Trust me - we didn’t cover Nebbiolo or Verdelho in my college wine tasting class. And they’re also dependable and willing to help you out in a slight pinch or a Class 5 Mega-Crisis. I have a friend who left five bottles of $100 wine in her car on a 90 degree day and all of the bottles popped and leaked. She stumbled into Wally’s in tears and they swapped out her bottles for new ones free of charge. They saved her $500 and the wrath of her boss. How’s that for service?

On a personal note, I love Wally’s because… well… how should I put it? Ok, the guys that work there are HOT. And a hot guy who knows about wine is pretty much my ultimate fantasy. And not only are they hot and know more about vino than the sommelier at Cut, but they have great personalities, too. These guys give great phone. I eagerly anticipate any gift-giving occasion because I know that I will get to call Wally’s and be Miss Flirty McFlirt for 5 minutes and hang up with a huge smile on my face. It’s like having phone sex, except not dirty and including a discussion about tannins. And in the midst of a normal day full of the standard drudgery, a short conversation that leaves you in a good mood can make all the difference. Oh, and they’ve never once fucked up an order for me. I should probably emphasize that, too.

So let’s review – they’re knowledgeable, reliable, personable, AND attractive. There are many, many wine stores that make deliveries in LA, but Wally’s will always be my #1. It’s the old standby and consistently delivers and impresses. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to use them to send birthday gifts to my friends – on my dime.

WHERE: www.wallywine.com

COST: Just charge it to the account, k? Thanks sugar!

BlahGirls.com

2009-04-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like The Blah Girls. Not only are they the wittiest, cutest, most stylish two-dimensional tweens on the interwebs, but they gave us some major love today (thanks ladies - and Stewart!). We always have their hilarious blog up in our Firefox. We just can't get through a day without reading Tiffany's musings on Suri Cruise and Cruz Beckham or watching Stewart's hysterical Hot Minute. Check them out. You're sure to love them, too.

WHERE: www. blahgirls.com
COST: Your productivity. But who needs to be productive?

"Giving Up on Hooking Up"

2009-04-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like “Giving Up on Hooking Up.” Us Hollywood Assistants know a thing or two about hooking up. When we aren’t in our cages (aka cubicles) we are out in the city living it up. And hooking up. Sometimes. This great article is an amazing example of how our generation feels. It’s a must read.

Netflix

2009-03-10T16:59:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Netflix. The first thing you do every morning is scan Variety, just in case your boss asks you what Sean Penn’s next project is going to be. Your Google Reader subscribes to Nikki Finke, The Wrap, and The Envelope. You wade through hundreds of useless emails from your 6 tracking boards in hopes of coming upon the hottest and juiciest industry rumor. In Hollywood, knowledge is power and without it you’re going nowhere. This fact becomes apparent within 5 seconds of setting foot in LA. In a city that’s stereotyped for being full of dumb people, we’re all surprisingly well-informed. Well, about pop culture at least.

That’s why Netflix is a key cornerstone of the Hollywood Assistant lifestyle. In the most obvious sense, it’s like the world’s cheapest film school. Feel remiss because people keep comparing your crime-drama spec to Taxi Driver and you have no idea what they’re talking about? Queue it up! Pretentious intern in your office try to make a Truffaut joke and you had to pretend you understood it? You can have The 400 Blows by tomorrow! Hell, I went to film school and don’t remember 90% of the things I had to watch. That’s probably because I tended to nap off my hangovers during 85% of my required screenings (university screening rooms are so dark... and plush… and climate-controlled… I get drowsy just thinking about them). But let’s face it – more than likely, you’ve got a weak spot in your film watching history. Netflix to the rescue!

And it’s not just great movies that we’ve been too lazy to watch… no no no. We skimp on the TV side, too. Have you spent the last year watching only The Real Housewives of New York, Rock of Love, The Biggest Loser, and The City? Aren’t you just a tiny bit curious to see what the whole fuss over The Wire is about? Netflix has you covered. Or, are you feeling a little nostalgic for the days when Mom would make you a grilled cheese after school and you didn’t have to worry about your car payment being late? Netflix carries the full-range of old-school feel-good sitcoms like Family Ties, The Facts of Life, and Diff’rent Strokes. Oh, Mrs. Garrett… take me away from here…

Probably our favorite thing about Netflix is that they now offer a “Watch Instantly” option where you can stream movies and tv shows straight to your computer. Get familiar with it next time your boss is in the air for an entire day. It’ll change your life. And we’re especially crazy about the Roku box we were gifted for Christmas this year. Now we can stream “Watch Instantly” selections straight to our 42” HDTV. Because what could be better than a bottle of Charles Shaw, some tomato basil hummus from Trader Joe’s, and The Muppets Take Manhattan?

Netflix is one of the most economical things a Hollywood Assistant can do to both enrich their lives and entertain themselves. At $16.99 a month, it costs about the same as seeing a movie at The Grove (if you figure in parking), but you get so much more out of it. Never again will you feel like the dumb kid because you didn’t see The Maltese Falcon.

WHERE: www.netflix.com
COST: $16.99 for 3-at-a-time membership with unlimited "Watch Instantly"

Karaoke

2009-02-24T11:45:00.000-08:00

Hollywood Assistants like Karaoke. When the lights go low and the instrumental comes up, all eyes are on us. It’s our moment. And for people like Hollywood Assistants who hardly ever get a moment in the spotlight this is major. Sure, occasionally our bosses will put focus on us when they ask where their reading glasses are or to put more Splenda in their coffee, but does that even really count? That’s why we need to resort to going to karaoke bars and singing our little hearts out.

Dimples, Sardos, Brass Monkey, Backstage, Barney's on certain nights, Los Angeles is full of karaoke joints just waiting for us Hollywood Assistants to crowd them. We could talk for hours about Koreatown and the countless karaoke joints there too. It's in K-Town that we pretend we live in New York and rent out private rooms just for our friends. Hite beer and Soju are aplenty. Plus it's always nice to be surrounded by friends as you butcher And I Am Telling You. No judging! But really it doesn’t matter if you were a member of your High School’s Jazz Choir or you can’t hold a note to save your life, karaoke is all about having fun. Work probably sucks so why not get out your rage and frustration by belting out some Hall and Oates? Found out your phone crush is gay? Sing some Carrie Underwood. Told your Gossip Girl spec was stupid and confusing? Channel Bon Jovi and rock it out. Life’s nuances can easily be fixed (or at least somewhat mended) with the help of karaoke.

Hollywood Assistant Suggested Karaoke Songs
9 to 5 by Dolly Parton
We love Dolly and this song. Though, we only wish our hours were as short as that…
Respect by Aretha Franklin
Because we deserve it!
She Works Hard for the Money by Donna Summer
So you better treat us right
Taking Care of Business by Bachman Turner Overdrive
Working overtime is in our job description yet sometimes we don’t even get fairly compensated (yeah, we’re talking to you, CAA)
A Hard Day’s Night by The Beatles
We all wish we were sleeping like logs instead of rolling calls
You Can’t Always Get What You Want by The Rolling Stones
Even though our parents filled us with this notion of hope that we could always get what we wanted, Hollywood soon taught us we couldn’t.

This town is full of stars, yet us Hollywood Assistants are definitely not among the shining lights. However, this somewhat changes when we’re handed the mic at karaoke. It is finally our turn to be in the spotlight. Our chance for everyone to root for us. We might not ever receive recognition or acclaim for our phone answering skills or reservation making abilities, but being cheered on while singing cheesy pop music has to count for something. Right?

WHERE: From Burbank to K-Town to Culver City to Santa Monica
COST: Free to sing at most places or $20/hour for a private room in Koreatown

The Oscars

2009-02-20T10:53:00.000-08:00

Hollywood Assistants like the Oscars. It's finally here! The day that is more exciting than Christmas, your birthday, and the season premiere of Mad Men combined – it's time for the Oscars. The Superbowl for film nerds kicks off Sunday at 2:00p on E! for 6 straight, glorious hours of red carpet coverage followed by the delicious main event. We can't wait to spend hours watching Seacrest and Giuliana hypothesize on what people might end up wearing. And the grand event will hopefully culminate with Brangelina snubbing Seacrest again, leaving him weeping in his Zegna tux. We. Can't. Wait.

So in honor of THE BIGGEST DAY IN HOLLYWOOD, we present to you our Oscar picks. We could be right… we could be wrong… What do we know? We're just assistants. But here's who we think will be taking home gold on Sunday.

Best Actor

Will Win: Sean Penn
Should Win: Mickey Rourke

Penn's proven himself time and time again as one of the greatest actors of this generation, and his turn as Harvey Milk was at times both uplifting and heartbreaking. But Mickey runs away with The Wrestler. He breathes Randy 'The Ram' Robinson. And who doesn't love a good comeback story?

Best Actress

Will Win: Kate Winslet
Should Win: Melissa Leo

Kate's made this awards season her bitch and we expect her victory lap to continue on Sunday night. However, we loved Frozen River and Melissa exemplifies commitment in her portrayal of a down-on-her-luck single mom under desperate financial duress. Her performance is subtle and nuanced and makes you forget you're watching someone act.

Best Supporting Actor

Will Win: Heath Ledger
Should Win: Heath Ledger

We're still having nightmares about the Joker dressed in that nurse's outfit. Who knew someone so pretty could turn in such a sinister performance? If he doesn't win, we expect fanboys to riot in the streets.

Best Supporting Actress

Will Win: Who knows?
Should Win: Penelope Cruz

Kate Winslet took the Golden Globe and didn't get an Oscar nod in this category, and we loved all of the performances from the other nominees. So your guess is as good as ours. Cruz's turn as a completely bat-shit ex-lover hits us a little too close to home, but that's probably also why we're so drawn to it. Everyone knows you haven't experienced true love until you try to murder your boyfriend in a jealous rage.

Best Original Screenplay

Will Win: Milk
Should Win: Frozen River

This is probably one of the best categories at this year’s awards. While we think Frozen River deserves it, we’ll still be happy for Milk when it wins since it was an amazing screenplay. We also like seeing In Bruges recognized here considering it was such an underrated movie. We only wish Rachel Getting Married and Vicky Christina Barcelona were nominated too.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire
Should Win: Slumdog Millionaire

This category is boring. Slumdog will and should win because it has no competition. Next.

Best Director

Will Win: Danny Boyle
Should Win: Danny Boyle

If Christopher Nolan were nominated this would be an entirely different race. But alas, he’s not and therefore Danny Boyle will and should win.

Best Picture

Will Win: Slumdog Millionaire
Should Win: Who cares?

At this point in the night we will have drunk far too much champagne and it probably won’t matter to us who wins. It’s not like our lives will be any different come Monday morning. We’ll still have to set up that conference call or stock the fridge with Arrowhead water. But we’re optimistic that one Oscar night in the future will be magical for us. Because deep down inside these bitter, stressed out souls lies an incredible film lover who one day dreams of Oscar gold.

WHERE: 5pm on ABC
COST: However much you put down for your Oscar pool. And we recommend printing these out for extra Oscar fun: http://www.thrillist.com/los-angeles/oscar-bingo-0

Screeners

2009-02-19T13:08:00.000-08:00

Hollywood Assistants like screeners. Movie tickets are getting more and more expensive each and every day. One trip to the Arclight can cost you big bucks. I mean a ticket alone is $14 (at peak times), popcorn and a soda come out at $10 (because what’s the point of going to the movies and not eating??) and then parking comes in at $2 (parking on Vine and walking? I think not). Mint.com would not be happy with that spending. Thankfully God, or rather Hollywood Studio Bosses, created movie screeners.

Come every December movie screeners start arriving at our offices. Our names might not be on the labels but that doesn’t mean these aren’t for us. Okay, so maybe they’re meant for our bosses but really would bosses mind if we watched Frost/Nixon before they did? If they really wanted to see that they would have gone to the Arclight and paid the 20 plus dollars, right? We, on the other hand, were dying to watch this movie but just couldn’t stand to pay so much. Ain’t no shame in that, right? Tis the life of an assistant.

Movie screeners are awesome for a number of reasons. It lets us watch newly released movies in the comfort of our own homes. We can be sprawled out on the living room couch, wearing sweatpants, drinking two buck chuck while watching Gran Torino. Does it get any better? Also, why waste our hard earned money on movies that aren’t very good but as members of the Hollywood community we are obligated to see? (cough, Doubt, cough). Some movies we’d probably never see if it weren’t for screeners. For example: Frozen River? Was that even out in theatres for more than a week in LA? Without a screener, we’d be missing out on one of the best films of the year.

With the Oscars coming up on Sunday you only have 72 hours left to finish watching your screeners. You can’t root for Mickey Rourke if you haven’t seen The Wrestler. And you can’t root against The Reader if you haven’t seen it either (wait, maybe you can…). Do a movie marathon so you can be fully educated for your party's pool. Maybe you can win enough money to go see a movie at the Arclight.

WHERE: Offices of producers, directors, actors, writers, makeup artists, sound guys, etc
COST: So free it hurts

Hilarious Raps About Hollywood Assistants

2009-02-18T11:00:00.001-08:00

Hollywood Assistants like hilarious raps about Hollywood Assistants. Because we always admire fellow worker bees who put their free time to creative use. Here's a hysterical video that condenses everything there is to know about our lives into 4 minutes. You'll find yourself laughing out loud and cheering. Enjoy!

Hollywood ASST from Back of the Class on Vimeo.

WHERE: www.backoftheclass.net
COST: 4 minutes of self-reflection. Always a good thing.

Mint.com

2009-02-17T12:18:00.001-08:00

Hollywood Assistants like Mint.com. Hi guys. It’s nice to see you again. We’ve missed you. And we’re not just saying that – we’re not total disingenuous Hollywood assholes…yet. We love each and every one of you loyal readers. So we apologize for our lack of posts of late. Unfortunately we are actual working stiffs (hence why our posts have such authenticity), and even more unfortunately, we’re actually expected to do work sometimes. I know. Quelle horreur!

But someone’s gotta bring home the bacon. Well, at least until we 1) get a book deal or 2) marry someone rich. So like, if you know anyone who could help us out with either of those items on our to-do list, drop us a line at 1stassistant@stuffhollywoodassistantslike.com. But until that day arrives where they back up the dump truck full of cash to our front door, we’re in charge of raking in our own dough and seeing that it’s managed responsibly. That’s why we’re huge fans of Mint.com.

We’ve made no secret that we make minor duckets at our thankless jobs. And we’re not complaining. We knew what we were getting ourselves into when we decided to attempt a climb up the Hollywood ladder. But subsisting on such a meager income makes managing your (teeny tiny pile of) money all the more important. LA is an expensive city and if you aren’t careful you can find yourself in a mess of debt quicker than you can say “Another round of Patron shots, please!”

Mint makes tracking your money a breeze. It allows you to put all of your accounts in one place so you can clearly see your total financial picture. It also has all sorts of neat-o features like graphs that tell you exactly how much money you’ve spent at bars in the last six months. If that number is approaching the amount of a down payment on a WeHo condo, then perhaps its time to spend a few more nights in (it’s just a suggestion… we are in a recession, after all). Mint also suggests financial offers that will save you money, based on your profile. I’m saving $192 this year just by transferring a credit card balance to another card. And obviously it’s my civic duty to pump that money back into our economy by buying a new pair of designer jeans. Thanks for making me more fiscally responsible, Mint! We also hear Mint offers a nifty iPhone application so you can track your money on the go. Being Blackberry people, we can’t vouch for it, but it sounds pretty cool. (Note to Mint: get on the bberry train already).

So in case you haven’t heard, thrift is in. Hemorrhaging money is out. Being honest with yourself about your spending is the first step to becoming financially solvent, and Mint is our preferred means of having that talk with ourselves. You know, the one where you sit yourself down over a cup of joe and say “You know, self… I’m really worried about you. You need to be honest with me. What can we really afford?” Your wallet will thank you.

WHERE: www.mint.com
COST: Free to use. Unknown amounts of money gained once you realize that you’re wasting $65/month on valets and make yourself park at a meter 20 feet away from the restaurant.

Heading Home for the Holidays

2008-12-10T15:54:00.001-08:00

Hollywood Assistants like heading home for the holidays. It's almost the end of the year. Can you believe it? While you were shackled to your desk with your headset firmly in place, 2008 flew right by you along with the constant stream of staplers and coffee mugs coming from your boss's office. Doesn't it feel like it was just yesterday that you were feeling guilty for bitching about the superstar client who made a donation in your name for your Christmas present last year? Bet you let more than a couple of his "special requests" slip through the cracks, didn't ya? (No Splenda in YOUR trailer, superstar. You'll have to make do with Equal!)

But here we are yet again. And with the economy lagging and another potential guild strike looming, everyone's cutting back on holiday spending, so you don't even have the high hopes of "flat gifts" (ca-ching) to buoy you through the three interminable weeks between Thanksgiving break and Christmas vacation.

That's why Hollywood Assistants are especially looking forward to going home for the holidays this year. There's nothing more nerve wracking than economic despair, so while we all watch our already meager 401k's shrivel into nothingness, many of us turn our thoughts to the comforting promise of a couple weeks at home. Home is where the heart is. It is also where your parents are. Ah, parents. Givers of life and feeders of starving children. After months and months of the Lean Cuisine & Campbell's Soup diet, there's nothing better than coming home to two straight weeks of Mom's home cooking. Or at least, Mom & Dad-treat-you-to-dinner dining out experiences. Of course, the flip side is that Mom uses more butter than Paula Deene and your LA Fitness membership is only good in SoCal. You could always take a walk and get some exercise, but please… You're an Angeleno. Your tootsies haven't traversed an outdoor distance longer than 3 blocks in years.

But just as your jeans start feeling a little tight, you perk up at the thought of hanging out with your oldest friends in the world. You know, the ones you've known since kindergarten. The ones who know all of your most embarrassing stories. They love meeting up with you over $4 gin & tonics at your hometown dive bar and recounting that story about how you wet your pants in the 3rd grade. It's all good fun, but you can only take so much. So you try to distract them by telling them all of those hilarious and fascinating stories you have saved up about their favorite tabloid stars. But remember to keep your "I know all these famous people" tales somewhat in check. These people might eat it up at first, but even they will eventually grow bored with an excessive case of Name Drop-itis. Whitney Port is exciting to no one, and thus no one will care that you were once next to her at a stop light. And how interesting it would be to listen to them drone on for hours and hours about how well their 4^th grade class is doing? About as thrilling as an NCIS marathon.

When the conversation starts getting awkward with your "oldest and best friends in the world", you can always turn to the romance department. Your LA love life might be more akin to a Cathy comic than a Danielle Steele novel, but nobody needs to know that. And, as luck would have it, your high school crush is sitting just 8 barstools down from you. After you screw up your liquid courage, you go over and say hello and promptly prove how much more attractive, witty, and charming you've become in the last seven years. But then you realize that they're 40 pounds heavier, not getting your jokes, and about as interesting as a piece of balsa wood. Who cares? Make out with them anyway. It's not like you can bring them home to Mom & Dad's, so it will all have to stay pretty innocent. But you can slap your 15-year-old inner self a huge mental high five and let them know that, yes… you've finally achieved all you ever wanted in life. You tongue kissed the captain of the football team AND you've got access to Wilmer Valderrama's home phone number. You've finally made it. You're officially awesome.

So home's not perfect. Neither is LA. Each has its plusses and minuses, and each should be appreciated in their own context. Embrace the two weeks of nothingness and living on the cheap. It will be the least expensive vacation you'll ever take.

WHERE: Main Street USA
COST: Nothing, unless your parents are meanies and actually make you pay for stuff.

30 Rock

2008-10-30T15:12:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like 30 Rock. There’s nothing Hollywood likes more than to see itself reflected through a lens on film or television. We never chuckle louder or harder than we do at things we can relate to. Ari just fired Lloyd for the 15^th time this season. LOL! That’s happened to us, too!

That’s one of the reasons why we love 30 Rock. Forget that it’s impeccably written, consistently hilarious, and lead by our ultimate smart girl icon Tina Fey. We love drawing the similarities between the workplace shenanigans that go down at the Rock and the crazy antics that happen in our offices every day. Each one of us can relate to one of the assistant-y kids on the show. Obviously, we’re Cerie. We’re hot, blonde, serve no discernable purpose, and bring down the house with one choice line every 22 minutes.

And we’ve all had drinks with Jonathan, the lovable greasy aspiring network exec whose undying devotion to both his headset and Jack Donaghy remind us of the loyalty we should show to our own bosses.

And who can forget Kenneth? Our office might not have an official page program, but every office has a Kenneth. He’s the kid who will jumpstart your car when your battery dies and who breaks out his secret awesome bowling skills at the office Christmas party. Sure, you might underestimate him in every day life, but once in a while he will really come through and impress you. You’ve got to admire his gumption.

So if you’re not already watching 30 Rock, get to it. You’re really missing out, and we’d never steer you wrong. (Ahem, please see our Mad Men post from this summer. Callllllleeeeeed iiittt.) Hilarious story lines, loveable characters, amazing guest starts – OPRAH, people, OPRAH!!! – what’s not to love?

WHERE: NBC, Thursdays at 9:30p
COST: Skipping the Grey’s Anatomy live airing. Tivo it. Trust us, you’ll be better off.

Drinks

2008-10-27T15:22:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like having drinks. Normally, anything that includes the term “drinks” makes me prick up my ears in gleeful anticipation of an exciting night full of flip cup, vodka sodas, a few rounds of Red Headed Sluts, and eventually waking up in an unfamiliar apartment. Alcohol is usually your ticket to Adult Disneyland, the Happiest Place on Earth, where you can experience dizzying spins, indulge in one too many pieces of fried goodness (mmmm….fried cheese), and maybe make friends with a dwarf.

But unfortunately, “having drinks” isn’t as fun as it sounds. “Drinks” is the codeword for what is sometimes (or in my case, usually) the most awkward of all assistant activities. You show up to a drinking establishment to meet with a person you only deal with over the phone or on email, and your expressed purpose is to schmooze one another in hopes of getting some sort of future advantage out of a 45-minute interaction. Drinks are anxiety inducing for a number of reasons. If you’ve never met your drinking partner in person before, it can be somewhat akin to going on a blind date. You have no clue what the other person looks like, so you must resort to telling them “I’ll be the girl in the purple dress and the grey cardigan”. Then, if you’re the first to arrive, you spend anxious moments peering at the entrance and keeping your eyes peeled for the guy wearing the “pink striped button down shirt”. Once he walks in the door, you scramble for your blackberry, so you don’t look like you’ve been staring at the door for the past 20 minutes. Play it cool, chief. Play it cool.

Once you’ve found one another, it is important to stick to a few socially accepted rules for drinks. In general, unless you totally hit it off, stick to ordering only one beverage. We’re all busy, and we need to get out of there in time to watch Jon & Kate Plus 8/make that pilates class at LA Fitness/read 9 scripts before tomorrow morning. If ordering food, keep your choices to things that cook quickly and aren’t too disgusting to watch another person eat. Now is not the time to indulge in your buffalo wings fetish – your drinks partner probably won’t enjoy watching you pick meat from a bone like a hyena. Remember to balance the work and personal life small talk. By agreeing to meet in this context, you’re expected to give up a little dirt about what’s going on at your job. But it doesn’t need to be a full information shakedown. And feel free to gossip about mutual acquaintances. You never know who your drinks partner knows (scoping out your mutual friends on Facebook ahead of time will give you a good indication), and you might pick up an interesting “Janie was so drunk one night at Michigan that she…” anecdote to store away for later. And most importantly, keep in mind that this is a professional interaction, not a viable means of getting you laid. On the rare occurrence of your drinks partner being uber hot, remember to keep your cool and maintain an air of professionalism. You will still have to deal with this person on a regular basis long after you’ve signed the check and left your $1 tip, so try not to make an ass out of yourself.

When you’ve reached the point where you can’t ignore the 5th email from that agent’s assistant asking you to grab drinks sometime, throw the kid a bone and go. Sure, he might be a little eager, but he might also be the next Ari. Drinks don’t have to be that dread-worthy event that we all make them out to be. It’s not like you’re going to the dentist. And, bonus, there’s alcohol involved. You never know where your next job is going to come from or who’s going to give you the lead on a really hot spec that bowls your boss over. So take one for the team and just do it. You’ll have plenty of time to watch America’s Next Top Model once you get home – just don’t forget to set your Tivo.

WHERE: Varied divey to not-so-divey bars around town. Our favorites include 3rd Stop, St. Nick’s, Little Bar, and Molly Malone’s.

COST: $8-$20, depending on what you drink and if you can find street parking. But keep in mind that it classifies as “Business Promotion” and is a tax write-off.

Brunch

2008-09-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like brunch. To say brunch is the best meal ever is like saying the sky is blue. It’s just so obvious. Brunch crams two meals into one and therefore provides you with double the options and double the tastiness. It’s a total win-win situation. Us Hollywood Assistants look forward to this time each and every week. Working 12 hour days Monday thru Friday can be a bitch. So when weekend comes we like to reward ourselves with a special meal. And luckily, Los Angeles loves brunch just as much as we do.

Brunch in Los Angeles isn’t just a meal, it’s an event. They say the streets are lined with dreams here, but in reality they’re lined with brunch spots. There’s nothing better than getting together with a group of friends after a Saturday night at The Bar and recounting all the details. Being able to remind your friend about how she made out with that William Morris trainee over an omelet is awesome. Finding out you passed out in a booth in front of your co-workers who you barely know over pancakes isn’t so awesome. But, hey, at least you’re at brunch AKA the best meal ever, and when pancakes are involved nothing can really be that bad.

Los Angeles takes their brunches very seriously. So seriously, in fact, there’s a tier system. Three tiers, actually. Here is how they break down:

Tier 1 Diners and Chains: This tier is the lowest of them all. It includes restaurants like Swingers, IHop and Mel’s. One usually frequents these places when pinching dimes. Sure, you want brunch, but your wallet isn’t agreeing with you (did you really need to buy you and your friends those two fish bowls at Happy Ending?). One may also dine here if they are with a group of straight and fratty boys. Straight and fratty boys love these places for brunch, because to them it’s technically not brunch. It’s either breakfast or lunch. Only straight and fratty boys who are comfortable enough with themselves and have fine taste buds admit to ‘brunching’ and go to places in other tiers. Other examples of Tier 1 Brunching spots: Yukon Mining Company, Norm’s, Canter’s

Tier 2 Trendy, yet Reasonable: This tier is the most common for brunch. It includes restaurants like Toast, Kings Road Café and The Griddle. The restaurants in this tier are cool, though won’t end up costing you a million dollars. You might run into someone you interned with, yet also spot an actor from 24. These places are where us Hollywood Assistants feel most at ease. We can gossip, be seen and not have to worry about how we’ll pay for our next meal. This is where we go to shoot the shit. Just be careful about who you’re shooting the shit about as someone from the other table is probably their Facebook friend. Other examples of Tier 2 Brunching spots: Quality Café, Grub, Lulu’s.

Tier 3 Fancy and Reserved for When the Parents are in Town: This tier is for all the restaurants that are way too expensive for us Hollywood Assistants. Though, if there’s a special occasion (and we’ve saved up) or someone else is paying the bill, we’ll go. This tier includes restaurants like Campanile, Grace, BLD. It’s not really that we can’t afford to go to these places. It’s just that we don’t. But one day we will. Other examples: Polo Lounge, The Ivy, Hatfield’s

One place that offers a brunch in Los Angeles that doesn’t really fit into any tier is Saddle Ranch. Yeah, that Saddle Ranch. Did you know you could go there, order breakfast and for just $10 more get unlimited mimosas and Bloody Mary’s? Well, you can. And it’s kind of awesome. The clientele might be full of Rock of Love rejects, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun. Whether you’re a Hollywood Assistant, an Olly Girl or from the Inland Empire, it doesn’t really matter. And when us Hollywood Assistants are drunk enough we don’t judge.

Learning about your friends shames/embarrassments from the night before isn’t as much fun if it’s not in person and over food. Brunch is the special time for all us Hollywood Assistants to congregate after a wild night out. We might be hungover/nauseous or looking like we just got hit by a truck or even still in the clothes we wore the night before (hello, one night stand), but who cares? This is our time to stuff our faces and act like the twentysomethings we often forget we are. Breakfast and lunch never tasted so good.

WHERE: Every other block in this town
COST: Tier 1: under $10, Tier 2: $10-$20, Tier 3: Over $20

The Outsider

2008-09-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like The Outsider.

It was a typical Thursday night, out at an open bar celebrating…art? music? charity? honestly no idea we were at the bar the whole time…and I started chatting with a friend's roommate.

"So…you work in what?"

"Finance?"

"Financing…films?"

"No, just finance – hedge funds.*"

"Like…Over the Hedge the movie?"

"No. I just deal with money."

"Dirty Sexy Money?"

"No…just normal money."

"Huh," under our breath, "Weird." Trying to be nice, "That's cool. So what do assistants do over there in..um…fiiine…feeen…fun…?"

"Finance. I'm not an assistant, I'm an Associate."

"Wow! How long have you been working in…you know…that word?"

"Finance. Oh I just started after I graduated in May."

"May…2008?"

"Yes."

(Insert "Incredulous Face" emoticon here) "Yeah I have to go."

Now, we're not ones for statistics, because our communication/film majors did not require any math pre-requisites, but based on an informal survey taken by those we interact with, just about 96% of people living in Los Angeles work in entertainment, and of those, about 99% haven't regularly interacted with a non-entertainment person since college. This is surely close to whatever the official census taken indicates, we're sure, which is why when we meet someone working in (what was it? Fun dance? Fine ass?) something else, we are fascinated

Everyone has a term for them: Civilians. Outcasts. Who? Outsiders are fascinating creatures that the cunning anthropological eyes of Hollywood Assistants have studied in depth, and have noted several commonalities:

Disposition: These people are SO EXCITED ABOUT LIFE! And why shouldn't they be? They are young, they have social lives, they're making money and living in Los Angeles (usually on the West Side; they don't mind the 45 minute drive that gets them home at 6:45). They aren't clawing their way to a coordinator position, and while they take their jobs seriously, their jobs are not an all encompassing definition of their lives. Beyond their general excitement, they get excited about the littlest things. If they see you reading something at the beach – "Wow! Is that a script? Can I touch it?" If it's pilot season – "You mean you have a DVD of the show…BEFORE it airs? Is that legal?" And even discussing with them what you did at work today – "You mean you messengered something to Jerry Ferrara's HOUSE? You know TURTLE'S ADDRESS?" (they really all do love Turtle). No one minds a little ego massage, and it's nice to be reminded every now and then that, from an outsider's perspective, our lives are pretty cool too. Not cool enough to change the Hollywood Assistants' standard disposition of "jaded," but still.

Mating Habits: We're going to throw this out there right now: our industry social circle consists of a lot of chicks and a lot of gay men (so like…if you know anyone…). There's the few straight guys (all of whom have hooked up with at least one girl we know), and we're predicting a lesbian surge now that Lohan's made it trendy, but we generally have to look outside our circle to date. Cue The Outsider. The Outsider is either a dude who hangs out with other dudes watching football at Barney's (our common ground), or a girl who has no problem finding a plus one should the occasion arise. Bring an outsider into the group and you've opened up a brand new dating pool. In this sense, The Outsiders are gold.

Camouflage: The Outsiders look just like us, and usually blend in through a mutual friend. They generally know this friend from high school or college, and camouflage their outsider-ness during introductions by keeping to topics of conversation including how they know their friend, what they did last weekend, where they are from, etc. The camouflage quickly fades about five minutes into the conversation when they make their first slip up trying to talk shop, "Oh, yeah, I like Greg Berlanti in Brothers and Sisters too! Wait, he plays one of the brothers, right?" To quote the greatest cinematic achievement of all time "I love her, she's like a Martian." For the entertainment value alone, it's always fun when an outsider shows up to the party.

Oscar Pick-ology: In the weeks leading up to the Oscars, Hollywood Assistants agonize over their Oscar ballot picks. We read expert opinions, re-watch screeners, pencil in, erase, and finally come up with what are sure to be the perfect picks and submit one to five ballots in our friend and work groups. The most exciting of these ballots, of course, is the one in the running at the "live contest," specifically, whichever Oscar viewing house party we've hit up this year. Every year, though, it's that one house party guest with no industry affiliation who just "filled this out for fun" who just f-ing schools us. No one can pick best animated short like an outsider, and all the outsiders knew Crash was going to win best picture in 2006 (EVERY expert had Brokeback winning, EVERY one!). We still love them, though, because they can take our money, but they can never take our screeners.

Although seemingly harmless, be cautious when befriending The Outsider. While we like to know them, becoming too close has some risks. For example, they always want to meet for Happy Hour…at 6:30. Not even on a half day. They get really annoyed when you don't show up until 8:30. Try not to ask about their salaries. Aside from being tacky, it's going to be more than yours…way, way more. Don't even bother hating on The Hills with them, they think it could be real. And God forbid you run into a cast member of "The Real World." You would think it was Ben Silverman or something, the way they get so embarrassingly excited.

WHERE: Working downtown, residing on the west side

COST: You might have to loan out a few screeners, just for fun.

*As it stands, we don't really understand what hedge funds are. I think we heard the term on Wall Street…the movie.

Game Night

2008-09-12T11:44:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like game night. All work, no play makes Hollywood Assistants very dull boys and girls. That’s why we love game night! During the day we sit at our desks answering calls or sit in our cars running errands, so when night comes all we want is some good old fashioned, uninhibited fun. It’s always nice to be able to resort to our kid-like selves and take our minds off the trials and tribulations of work. Thank God for game night, our weekly savior. Except unlike when we were kids, alcohol is now always involved when we play games.

If someone had told me when I was in college that the highlight of my workweek at the age of 25 would be game night, I’d tell them they were crazy. I wasn’t going to be that kind of 25 year old and if I were then I would be a total loser. But now here I am at 25 and there is nothing I’d like to do more than play games on a Wednesday night. With our lives so hectic, being able to get together with a group of friends to play Taboo or Charades is very comforting. For those few hours we can forget about how our boss reamed us out for forgetting to follow up on that lunch meeting or how our co-worker got picked for the training program over us. When playing Scattergories it’s like none of it even matters anymore. Life takes a backseat. And like I said before, the alcohol usually helps.

Game night is a lot like Hollywood. It can be cut throat. What do you expect when you bring together a bunch of tense Hollywood Assistants? True colors come out and that’s when it’s revealed who’s a future agent and who’s a future staff writer. But don’t let game night get the best of you. In the end, it’s just a game. And winning really just allows bragging rights (though in this town that means a lot).

Also, thanks to Wii and Xbox game night has evolved into something even greater than just board games. Being a part of the Nintendo generation brought up on Duck Hunt, Super Mario Bros and Stadium Events (remember with the power pad?!), it’s no surprise that we are all obsessed with games like Guitar Hero and Wii Tennis. There’s nothing greater than starting up your very own band with friends via Rock Band. Band name? Assist This. Favorite Song to perform: Celebrity Skin by Hole. Because now we all know what Courtney Love meant when she sang “Wilted and faded somewhere in Hollywood.”

Game night is not like going to Area where you could either have a hit or miss night. Game night is always a hit. Because if you’re with friends, in a relaxed environment, letting your true self come out, it’s guaranteed fun. So grab a bunch of friends, get out Apples to Apples and enjoy the moment. Because tomorrow at work, it won’t be all fun and games.

WHERE: Living rooms in the Fairfax district
COST: Around $25 for Apples to Apples (regular edition, bible edition and Jewish edition, for real)

One Night Stands

2008-09-11T09:20:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like one night stands. Its 10:30am on a Sunday, and you awake with a pounding headache to the familiar sight of your apartment's lovely 70's-era popcorn ceiling. Except, your popcorn ceiling is more of an ecru color... not off-white. And you don't remember hanging a Scarface poster above your bed. And you're pretty sure that you bought the Hemnes dresser from Ikea, not the Aneboda. Suddenly a fleshy, hairy arm whacks you in the face and you realize.... uh-oh. You've done it again. You drank one too many mojitos, threw caution to the wind, and passionately lunged at the first thing to come at you from the direction of the beer pong tables. That's right. You've gone home with a fellow assistant.

We assistants are human. We have our needs. And like any normal, young, hormonal person, we have itches that sometimes need a good scratching. Our lives aren't exactly conducive to courtship. We work long hours and can barely scrape two nickels together to buy a can of beans for dinner. Grand romantic gestures are out. And forget the stereotypical American life plan of settling down, buying a house, and popping out a couple puppies. We've got our careers to think about and real estate in LA is f-in expensive... not to mention private school tuition. It's going to be YEARS before you're ready for those steps. So instead, when temptation calls and the alcohol hits just right and throws us into that "special mood", we grab onto the closest thing available and ride it down like you'd ride a firefighter down a burning building.

One night stands can be a lot of fun and incredibly fulfilling. But there are just a couple of guidelines you should follow in order to ensure that your one night stand is pleasure, not cringe, inducing.

1. DON'T have one with anyone from work, or anyone you regularly deal with in your work day. Whether it’s your office crush or the studio exec's assistant that you speak with 10 times daily, a one night stand can never truly be contained in one night if they're constantly seeking your attention. Sex is messy (in more ways than one) and if you're dealing frequently with someone you've slept with, then feelings are going to get involved. Or, at the very least, you'll have an ill-timed shag flashback and your boss will demand to know why you're flushed and distracted. Blurring the line between your bedroom and your office is a dangerous thing to do, so approach it with caution.

2. DON'T become a frequent flier in a group of friends. It's very easy to fall in with a group of people you see socially and begin to feel at ease with them. Hell, they all like each other, so why shouldn't you like all of them? And attractive people tend to flock together - that's just a rule of physics. But pick which of them you sleep with very carefully. They'll talk and compare stories, and nobody wants to be the group bicycle. You should only allow 1 of them to take a ride. Okay, maybe 2, but only if they’re both hot. Remember that Hollywood is like high school and stories spread fast. A friend once told me about sitting in on a meeting with a bunch of execs. They were waiting on one (female) exec to show up, and while they bitched and moaned about how long she was taking, one of the guys in the room boasted about how he nailed her 10 years ago. Every other guy in the room then chimed in that they'd nailed her at one point, too. Industry folks might be able to "forget" that Sienna Miller has never had a box office hit, but they will never forget all the people they've heard you screwed. So try not to overlap by having one night stands with people who know one another.

3. DO follow up appropriately. Gents, this is more for you. There's no Miss Manners for one-nighters. You're the best judge of your situation. So if it feels right to you, then by all means offer to take your overnight guest out for a bite of brunch. It doesn't have to be the Ivy, but do her a solid and make it something a step up from the Yukon Mining Company. If you're not feeling the chemistry, then make sure that she gets home safely. You get a gold star if you drive her home yourself. Putting her in a cab is also perfectly acceptable, but always offer her cab fare. Odds are she won't take it (in which case, score! You can afford dinner tonight). Only a true douche kicks a girl to the curb without helping her find the way home. Be sensitive to others’ walk of shame anxiety. You've been there, or you will be there, so it’s a good idea to keep karma on your side.

4. DO use protection. Not to go all high school PE teacher on you, but come on guys... use a condom. Although we agree with sex goddess Tracie "Slut Machine" Egan, who says that if you're getting laid then an STD is kind of an eventuality, it's an eventuality that can at least be put off. And like I mentioned above, Hollywood is like high school. If you're spreading something around, people are going to find out. You don't want to be at El Guapo and overhear someone calling you the "Herpes King", do you? And while it's fairly easy to get rid of many crotch infestations these days, it will require that you go see your doctor for a pill or some cream, and your boss is totally going to dock you a personal day for that. Not to mention that you can't even begin to afford the biggest social disease of them all... a baby. So remember to shrink wrap your member. (A helpful message from your friends at SHAL).

We're not encouraging you to go out and have promiscuous sex. But hey, shit happens, so if you do "do it" don't feel bad about it. Just make sure you're entering the situation in the right frame of mind. Sex is natural, baby, and you know you want it. So relax, lie back, and let the good times roll.

WHERE: Full-size beds with Target sheets all over town.
COST: $17.12 for a box of 36 Trojan condoms on Amazon.

Barney's

2008-09-10T14:40:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Barney’s Beanery. Seriously, what’s not to like? It’s a bar that serves beer by the pitcher, has more flat screen TVs than a Best Buy and is full of Hollywood Assistants hoping to get laid. Barney’s is basically all the good things in life rolled up into one fine establishment in Los Angeles (fine, there’s also one in Santa Monica as well as in Pasadena and one is opening in Burbank soon. But for the purpose of this post we are referring to the one on Santa Monica Blvd, which is obviously the best one anyway).

I don’t know much about football or basketball or even baseball. Sure, I have favorite teams and know the basic rules of each game, but I couldn’t tell you who was in first place or what teams won Saturday’s games if it killed me. Nevertheless, I love going to Barney’s to watch said games because let’s be honest I don’t spend much time watching them at all. Rather I am drinking until I get wasted and eating until I am stuffed. The food at Barney’s is incredible. Greasy, huge proportions, it’s the best food in the world to eat while drinking. Diet Shmiet? You’re having so much fun boozing and pigging out the calories mean nothing. And sometimes it’s nice to go somewhere in LA where ordering a big, fat burger gives you no nasty grimaces.

Barney’s is so laid back it really doesn’t matter what you look like when you walk through the doors. Heels? Hell no! A tie? You want to get your ass kicked? Boys wear football jerseys and girls can wear whatever they want. Girls could wear sweatpants and still have a gaggle of guys trying to hit on them. Barney’s was made for flip flops, jeans and t-shirts. And let’s face it, while we’re in our monkey suits at our jobs all week it’s nice to be able to not care what we look like on the weekends. Human Resources won’t be on our butt for not following the proper dress code at Barney’s nor will our co-workers think we’re slutty for wearing short shorts.

The only downside to Barney’s is the lighting. It’s way too bright for a place where people incessantly try to pick up other people. That why you have to drink double. The drunker you get the hotter people become is like the number one rule in going out to meet people. Since Barney’s is so damn sunny, in order to make people more attractive drinking more is a necessity. Which is something I don’t mind…

For good beer, good food and good fun, Barney’s is the place to be. From football on the flat screens to karaoke three nights a week, this is a spot for us Hollywood Assistants to let our hair down and pretend like we’re still in college. Not only is Barney’s one of our favorite bars in the city, but it’s also a Los Angeles institution. So many famous and historic people boozed and dined there. Janis Joplin had her final screwdriver here! Now that’s something cool to tell your friends from home about your local drinking site. In a non-name dropping kind of way, of course.

WHERE: 8447 Santa Monica Blvd. Hollywood, CA 90069
COST: Cheap (just like you'll feel after giving the guy in the Raiders jersey your number)

Hating on The Hills

2008-08-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like hating on The Hills. Whether we love The Hills, hate The Hills or secretly love The Hills but pretend we hate The Hills, we all love hating on The Hills as Hollywood insiders who just know better.

The Hills returns for its fourth season on August 18, and so do all our reasons for hating on it (with new reasons to surely follow):

Hating on the fakeness of it all: In theory - reality stars, they're just like us. They are Hollywood assistants or interns, they live in our neighborhood and they are transitioning into this crazy place we call Hollywood at the same time we are. Running off of this theory, The Hills should be a pretty close reflection of our lives, so much so that we've all been asked from our friends back at home "Is your life EXACTLY like on The Hills or what?"

Well duh! The only difference is that we're not followed around by cameras! Pretty much every night we're out at Crown Bar or Kress (Because Goa was totally December 2007 and Area is just like, embarrassing), where we DON'T wait in line, sit at our reserved table with bottle service (that we can totally afford) and flirt with our on again off again Prince of Malibu boyfriends until 2 AM, after which we sleep for 4 hours, wake up looking perfect (thank you, live in makeup artists!), head off to work where we don't answer phones (because we're very busy recapping the night before with our office mate – no bosses in sight!) and occasionally jet off to Paris to run major events. Le duh.

The Hills is so fake that even those of us who live for a Lo attack followed by a blank Audrina stare have to hate on it. We take an arrogant joy in being able to one up America who thinks The Hills is fake, by knowing The Hills is fake. You don't really believe that Heidi was promoted from intern to director at a major entertainment conglomerate, savvy event planning friend from Chicago? Well we know this for a fact because we know someone who knows someone who works there! You don't think Audrina has an upper lip, overachieving med student friend in New York? Well we've seen her in person and we KNOW she doesn't have an upper lip (and we don't need a fancy medical degree to make that assessment). It borders dangerously on name dropping, but we know that everyone who watches the show but doesn't live in LA is entertained by our insight, so it's not quite as douchey.

So yes, we can hate ON the fact that it's fake, but we don't quite hate it. In addition to loving pointing out the fakeness, we're kind of holding out for an uncredited writer position on the show.

Hating on the (Maybe) Unpaid Advertisements: It's not the main reason why we hate on The Hills, but from time to time we like to point out what sell outs SBE, People's Revolution, Don Antonio's and The Palazzo are. The MTV producers don't even try to make the voiceover sound realistic when they add in a "Let's go to Hyde. You know, the SBE nightclub by Brent Bolthouse. Hyde is located at 8029 Sunset Blvd and open nightly from…" Ok, it doesn't go that far, but come on. Kelly Cutrone, we know you wouldn't hire Lauren or Whitney at People's Revolution if it wasn't for the air time (you'd totally hold out for Emily, the New York intern). It's laughable, but we have too much fun hating on it to actually hate it.

Hating on the Characters: While we are busy working our asses off to make a name for ourselves in this town, these clowns have built a household name for being a star of…their own lives? We star in our own lives, which, incidentally, are more interesting – where is our $50,000/episode?

Who decided that Lauren Conrad was interesting enough to have her own TV show? We need an American Idol-esque selection process the next time these reality stars are cast. At least on The Real World, MTV actively takes entries when compiling a cast so they have a basis on which to decide who the 7 most mutated social mutants are. The Hills didn't even bother. I mean, just call it "LC and the Seven Bland Dwarfs" and put their storybook names on the screen to add more entertainment: Vacant (Audrina), Dopey (Whitney), Dirty (Justin Bobby), Plastic (Heidi), Slimey (Spencer), Douchey (Brody) and Bitter (Lo). Actually that would make for a great children's cautionary tale book…

We love hating on LC and her posse of self absorbed lame-os, but we can't actually hate them. Consider, for a moment, how important you think you are. Now imagine if over 3 million viewers a week agreed with you, not to mention all the weekly entertainment magazines and club bouncers in Hollywood. If being Bitter the Scrunch Faced Dwarf allowed me to pull in bank and navigate Hollywood effortlessly, I sure wouldn't change it, and I'd agree with America that yes, my life is important enough to be aired for more seasons than My So Called Life.

So love it or hate it, the majority of our Tivos are set to record the upcoming episodes, and we're ready to hate on it for another season. Bring in the clowns.

WHERE: A new season of tears, highly edited facial longing and cat fights returns to MTV on August 18 at 10:00 PM.
COST: A half hour and several brain cells each week

Margaritas

2008-08-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like margaritas. After a hard day of rolling calls and picking up dry cleaning, there's nothing better than unwinding with a cold drink. These drinks are most satisfying when they are full of alcohol. Because while Diet Coke is delicious, it doesn't take the edge off quite like liquor. One of the best of these drinks is the margarita. Whether it be blended, on the rocks, with salt, or fruit flavored, margaritas are delicious, cheap, and damn strong. I've never met a margarita I didn't like.

Not only are margaritas cold and refreshing, but they also have one of the highest alcohol contents of any drink (besides an actual shot or Long Island Iced Tea, but let's face it we're not in college anymore and can't hold our liquor like we used to). If you want to get very drunk and very drunk very fast then margaritas are the way to go. You have to drink a whole lot of beer to achieve the level of tipsiness in just one margarita. On our paychecks this comes in handy.

One of the greatest parts about living in Los Angeles is the abundance of Mexican food. And luckily with Mexican food comes margaritas. Mexican restaurants are like 7/11s in LA. They're basically on every corner. And like 7/11s, Mexican restaurants have low-priced liquor, not many English speaking people and always a loud group of drunk people.

My personal favorite place in LA for margaritas is El Carmen. This location is loud, dark and always crowded. I can drink El Carmen's margaritas like they're water (which has often gotten me into a lot trouble). But hey, after two of them here I'm like a college girl on spring break. Third Street is my Cancun. Come find me, Joe Francis.

You can't talk about margaritas in LA without talking about the Cantinas. Fiesta and Cabo, I mean. Fiesta Cantina is located in the heart of WeHo on Santa Monica and Cabo Cantina is located on the Sunset Strip (there's also one on Wilshire in Brentwood but that location is better for 'stuff UCLA students like'). You can guess the clientele at each. While both attract different customers, there's one thing similar: 2 for 1's. 2 margaritas for the price of 1! Can you effing believe that? It's like we're back home in New Jersey or something. It's insane. I think 2 for 1's is actually Spanish for belligerence. There's no way you can put 2 of these bad boys back without becoming really wasted. All I can say to that is: we so deserve it.

While the ladies of Sex and the City had Cosmos and the ad execs of Mad Men have Tom Collins, us Hollywood Assistants have margaritas. While we're not fancy enough for gimlets yet not unrefined enough for Mike's Hard Lemonade, margaritas are the perfect compromise. I blame it on Los Angeles for making it so damn easy for us to drink these awesome concoctions so frequently. But really, they're the drink of our people. Because while we might be uptight and diligent minions at work, come weekend (or Happy Hour) with the help of a margarita or two we become ourselves: drunk yuppies just waiting to be rich enough to drink bellinis.

WHERE: Our absolutely favorite, El Carmen 8138 W 3rd St Los Angeles, CA 90048
COST: Around $9. Or $25 for a blender and $15 for a bottle of tequila for the at home version

The Grove

2008-08-08T14:16:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like The Grove. After "The Great Quake" of 2008, we discussed amongst ourselves a meeting place for our friends should the end of the world appear imminent again. This place needed to be within walking distance, because lord knows that the amount of Two Buck Chuck we'd consume if the earth were to shake again would render us unable to drive anywhere. And it needed to have at least the bare necessities to help us put together a new world after an apocalyptic quake (or at least put together a substantial party after a minor shake). We had it narrowed down to Whole Foods and The Grove when the debate began.

If Whole Foods was the emergency meeting place and therefore the origin of our brave new world, we supposed the world would be organic, Utopian, overpriced and healthy. Sounds logical. But The Grove has a farmers' market, so that could sustain us, and several moderately priced restaurants, as most of us never cook. Whole Foods has that great pre-made food section, but The Grove has movies, and we need entertainment. Whole Foods has the vitamins and wine selection necessary to give us the strength to rebuild LA, but if the quake was substantial enough to result in looting, we’d much rather be by Nordstrom and the Apple store. As visions of iPhones danced in our heads, a winner was declared.

The Grove fills the gap in our life that was left when we moved away from the suburbs, and therefore the old school malls with Gaps, Food Courts, and Mall Rats. There are no Mall Rats at the Grove. It’s a bizarro version of the mall, really, because there are only a few stores, and they’re all outside. Outside! Damn, Los Angeles, you crazy. We find ourselves traversing between our affordable past and our out of reach future as we peruse the pricey offerings at the Todd Goldman Gallery while eating a Wetzels Pretzel, drinking Coffee Bean and carrying our most recent purchase: something we could almost afford at Nordstrom’s semi-annual sale.

Although it pales in comparison to the Arclight Theater, The Grove movie theater is still old school classic. Sure, it’s missing the assigned seating aspect that keeps us coming back and overpaying at the Arclight, but it has the ushers in those silly uniforms and ridiculous hats that make us feel better about our own jobs. They just look so miserable wearing a hat with a chin strap that it never fails to bring a smile to my face. You’re also bound to see at least one person you work with on a date with someone you had no idea they were dating, making for an entertaining AND informative outing.

We’re not sure if it can technically be considered part of The Grove, but The Farmer’s Market is yet another quirky draw to our Grove happy place. Where else, other than Super Wal-Mart, can one purchase fresh produce after buying a new outfit? Hidden within the labyrinth of produce and meat are the unexpected gems of Pinkberry, a bar (because grocery shopping is stressful), and a Starbucks. Any institution that has a Starbucks AND a Coffee Bean is top notch in our book. Now if only The Grove could open a Dunkin Donuts…

Whereas the Beverly Center has a greater variety of shopping, The Grove is still the preferred destination. It is the Disneyland to the Beverly Center’s Six Flags. Sure Six Flags has more rides, but Disneyland is cleaner, prettier and snows at Christmastime. Beverly Center is where one goes to shop. The Grove is where one goes to experience. You don’t even need to shop to love The Grove. We’ve spent hours watching the fountain vacillate to the tunes of crappy soft rock while writing on a bench. While finishing the great American coming of age novel at The Grove would be an ideal side effect, really we’re just hoping a few fellow (trust funded male) assistants will see us, sweep us off our feet for a slow dance in front of the fountain, and ask us to marry them because they was so inspired by their surroundings. Is it possible to have a wedding at The Grove…?

Snapping out of our Grove wedding fantasy for a moment, let’s take a moment to appreciate the role The Grove has played in transitioning many of us former north easterners or mid westerners into our first non-winter in LA. As the Christmas season approaches and we’re calling foul on the ironic takes on Santa in Hawaiian shorts lawn ornaments throughout our neighborhoods (We don’t care if it’s hot, Santa, put your daiquiri down, get your velvet suit on and pull yourself together, man!), The Grove brings us snow. Snow and a bizarre dance show with fake Rockettes and children dressed up as presents, all to familiar Christmas tunes, taking place between the iconic movie theater marquee and the aforementioned marriage fountain. We don’t know if it’s Faith Hill singing Christmas Carols, the dancing fountain or the chemically enhanced snow, or the memory of The Hills Season One Christmas Episode, but something about it every year brings a tear to our eyes. And it’s nightly! So anytime you need a winter fix to go along with your Wetzels Pretzel, The Grove is there for you.

In most of our minds, The Grove is an LA institution that has been here as long as the Hollywood sign. Apparently, it didn’t open until 2002. But that’s the great thing about The Grove – it’s our generation’s Hollywood sign. When we have friends visiting from out of town, that’s what we take them to see (“I swear, Tom Hanks shops at THIS Forever 21!”). It’s our tolerable tourist attraction, it’s our mall, it’s our playground, it’s our rock. So, if when the earth shakes again, swing by Whole Foods to pick up some wine and meet us by the Fountain. It may be the end of the world as we know it, but our guess is that the poor man’s Bellagio fountain will still be dancing to the tunes of Phil Collins, and that’s the basis on which we should rebuild LA.

WHERE: 189 The Grove Drive, Los Angeles, CA 90036
COST: Anywhere from the $3 parking fee (with validation) to a new iBook.

Open Bars

2008-08-07T15:10:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like open bars. Operating under the same logic that causes me to carry that unattractive bag I was swagged back in 2007, we will drink a selection of thoroughly inconsumable cocktails, as long as they are free. Hpnotiq and Monster? What a bright color, I'll take one! X-rated and Vitamin Water? Sounds healthy, a round of that please. p.i.n.k. carbonated caffeinated vodka and Jolt? I can't think of a better way to jump start an evening. For a group of people who rarely order a cocktail without specifying a top shelf liquor that we can't afford, the open bar is the one time it's socially acceptable to drink – yikes is that Gold Schlager and HiC? – anything the bartender will pour. In our defense, if you saw our paychecks or knew our bosses, you'd understand us getting intoxicated off of free Hi-sChlagers.

Throughout the years, we've become experts in the world of open bars, and have separated them into categories, noting the pros and cons of each:

The Early Bird Special. The Early Bird Special is perhaps the most dangerous of all Hollywood Open Bars. An invite for an otherwise cash bar event will have that small line we all zoom in on "Cocktails compliments of [insert undrinkable liqueur here] from 9-10!" Though fashionably late was invented in California, we have never been fashionably late to an early bird special open bar. In fact we've never been just on time: we're typically circling around the block 10 minutes early until we see the check in table go up. Everyone knows by 9:30 that bar is going to be swamped, and by that time we better have a table full of drinks to last us through the night.

Pro: Great excuse to leave work early. Or...great excuse to make up a better excuse to leave work early.

Con: Oddly not that we drink less…because we sure don't. It's that we try to do all of our drinking for the night in that hour…and there is a HUGE difference between five drinks throughout a four hour party and five drinks the first hour of the four hour party. This knowledge conveniently slips our mind in that hour, and generally returns the next morning as we wake up somewhere next to someone with an equal appreciation of open bars and an equally raging hangover.

Good Behavior Bars: In a world where we mix business with booziness, we find ourselves straddling the fun/appropriate line far too often, especially at Good Behavior Bars. Commonly found in networking events, your boss's charity fundraiser or the local alumni receptions, the alcohol here is meant to act as a social lubricant and ice breaker, and not necessarily as a means to the end of your inhibitions. It's important to distinguish ahead of time if an open bar is, in fact, a good behavior bar, as it will ultimately affect the overall consumption strategy.

Pro: If done correctly, you can leave this open bar with a good buzz and an expanded network.

Con: We never do this correctly, and leave pretty wasted with depleted credibility.

The All Nighter. The Mecca of open bars brings us more glee than Christmas and Hanukkah combined. We've toasted couples who probably shouldn't be together because of the free champagne at their weddings. We've rallied behind charities for just about everything if saving the rainforest means knocking back free drinks. We might have found ourselves at a Republican fundraiser because the GOP knows how to party. Point is, even the crappiest event is delightful when you close your tab and the cost is free.

Pro: Have you been to an All Nighter?

Con: Have you woken up the morning after an All Nighter?

In a city with some form of gallery opening, restaurant tasting, movie premiere, product launch or networking event happening every night of the week, it's important to be versed in open bar etiquette. Here are a few rules we try to follow as we work our way through the world of free alcohol:

1. Just because the drink is free, doesn't mean the bartender is working any less hard. Always have a good number of small bills to tip the bartender for each drink. If the $1/drink tipping cost is adding up too much for you, you might have a problem and should avoid any and all open bars.

2. Never, ever, EVER order just one drink. I don't care if you're just ordering for yourself – you have two hands and you shouldn't wait for last call to use both of them.

3. Pace yourself. Even though some open bars are time prohibitive, the cost of the couple drinks you bought after the open bar was over is a small price to pay to avoid an open bar hangover.

4. Be cool. Even if it's your first open bar (what are you, an intern?), you want it to appear that you can – and do – go to an open bar event every night. While overconsumption is inevitable, just please try to avoid taking "to go" cups of open bar swag.

WHERE: la.openbar.com
COST: One raging Hypnotiq hangover.

Trader Joe's

2008-08-07T11:02:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Trader Joe’s. The economy blows, gas prices are ridiculously high, and you’re still trying to eek by on $8/hour. Sure, you’re above the poverty line, but you’re not really bringing home the bacon. It’s more like bringing home the ramen. Thankfully, there’s a grand emporium that was made for people like you.

If Whole Foods (*cough* Whole Paycheck) is Neiman Marcus, then Trader Joe’s is Target. With affordable prices and a wide and often delightfully surprising selection, TJ’s is one-stop shopping for the average Hollywood Assistant on a budget. And as if that’s not enough, TJ’s is chock full of options that even the biggest kitchen dummy can manage to cook. Guys, if you want to really impress a lady by making her dinner, forget the standard spaghetti and Ragu combo and head to the frozen food aisle. Pick up frozen tempura for the appetizer, goat cheese frozen pizza for the entree, a key lime pie for dessert and you’ll have her undying affection forever…or at least for tonight. But hey, this is Hollywood… you’re not looking for a commitment, right?

But, let’s be honest, the real reason most people go to TJ’s is for the wine selection. At the most basic level, you’ve got your Charles Shaw, aka Two Buck Chuck. It comes in five varietals: chardonnay, merlot, shiraz, cabernet, and sauvignon blanc. It actually retails for $1.99, making it one of the cheapest wine you’ll be able to find anywhere. My friend Chuck can be a little inconsistent… sometimes you get a great bottle and sometimes you get something less than stellar. But please, it’s not like my palate is exactly advanced. And you rarely taste the wine when you chug it.

If you want to really impress your friends, pick up another bottle of something a little nicer for your next game night, dinner party, or pre-game. If you remember to take off the price tag they’ll never have to know it’s from TJ’s. Personally I like to choose wines the way I choose my men: whoever looks the cutest is going home with me. But so many wines carried by Trader Joe’s have really cute labels, so sometimes I face an agonizing decision. Happily, at $4-$6 a bottle, I can justify buying 2…or 3… or 4 bottles.

So if your wallet is feeling especially tight while we’re riding out this latest economic bump and you're counting the days until the start of Obamanomics, stop in at Trader Joe’s. You’ll find lots of budget-friendly options to liven up your normal mac & cheese/Lean Cuisine/canned soup routine. And if money woes have really got you down, pick up a couple of bottles of vino and drink until you can’t remember that you’re in the red anymore.

WHERE: Various locations all over LA. Our personal fave is the one at 3rd & La Brea.
COST: Cheaper than Whole Foods.

Office Crushes

2008-08-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like office crushes. Los Angeles is not very conducive to dating. When your choices for meeting possible suitors are Happy Ending and El Guapo, it becomes apparent that your dating life might need to take a backseat to your career. I mean that’s why we all moved to LA in the first place, right? Unfortunately somewhere along our trip west on route 40 we forgot about our love lives.

Enter office crushes. Nothing makes a day go by faster than having someone to crush on at work. After answering phone after phone and scheduling meeting after meeting, there’s something extraordinarily satisfying about seeing someone you like while you’re doing your menial job. It makes the mundane less mundane and the shitty less shitty. Being able to work in close proximity to that certain someone if just for a few minutes a day makes things at least a little better.

Sometimes office crushes turn into more. Nearly one in three people indulge in an interoffice romance (or so says some random internet article I found on the subject). We don’t know if this includes drunken make out sessions on the weekend, casual sex in the copy room before the bosses come in or an official relationship where you change your, omg!, relationship status on Facebook. I guess it could be a combination of all three. Although, all three can be treacherous. You don’t want to turn your office crush into the ex-boyfriend you hate. Or into the guy who gave you the clap. You also don’t want to become the ‘jealous’ one at work. To your coworker, it was just a hook up, to you, it was destiny. So unless you truly believe you’ve met the future mother or father of your children, you need to take an office romance with a grain of salt. The morning after a drunken hook up with your cubicle mate could be very, very awkward.

But really? Where else are you supposed to meet someone? Ralphs? People only meet people at grocery stores in the movies. LA Fitness? No one would ever want to date me after seeing me sweat. Blvd 3? I’d rather die alone. So therefore we really are sometimes forced to find love at the office; whether it be an innocent crush on the second assistant or a full blown affair with the guy from the mailroom. We’re young and therefore allowed for some hot and heavy office flirting. However, you need to be laid back and not stress about it. Because then it will get in the way of your work. And there’s nothing worse than being heartbroken AND jobless. Also, be selective when choosing who to crush on and who to go after. The last thing you want is the reputation of office bicycle.

WHERE: Offices all over the city
COST: Dignity, self-respect, but hey at least you're getting some

New York

2008-08-01T16:52:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like New York. LA got you down? Tired of sitting in your car for 45 minutes every day to make a 3 mile commute? Terrified that last week’s earthquake was just the precursor to The Big One? Annoyed that every time you try to go shop at the Grove, you must contend with crowds of paparazzi tailing Posh Spice? (Well, it could be worse… The Hills could be shooting there today.)

Then cash in a vacation day or two and hightail it out east. Hollywood Assistants love getting in touch with the “real” world by spending a few days on the gritty streets of New York City. An amazing thing happens the moment you step foot on the sidewalks of NY: you remember you have legs. And that sometimes, legs are meant to be used for walking. In LA I drive to the Ralph’s across the street from my apartment. But in New York, I will gladly walk from Amsterdam & 81^st to 34^th & 1^st Ave. The whole experience is so wondrous to me that I end up prancing down the street like Belle in the opening song from Beauty & the Beast. “Bonjour, good day, Hot Dog Vendor! Aren’t we having a lovely morning, bum?”

LA has its strengths, but NY unquestionably has us beat in a number of categories. First and foremost, you don’t have to drive there. I realize that this is the most obvious point ever. But as someone with a serious love/hate relationship with my car, being anywhere where we don’t have to worry about DD’s, DUI’s, and any other annoying car issue that also begins with a D is a huge plus. Cab, subway, bus, walking, whatever – no matter how many cocktails you down at happy hour, nobody is piloting themselves home. (Unless you have a friend who rides a bike…but that’s just weird.)

NY also has us beat when it comes to food. LA’s taco trucks, fresh seafood, and endless authentic Asian food outposts are all great, don’t get us wrong. But an H&H bagel on a Saturday morning is pretty close to heaven. Bagel Broker is a fine approximation, but even on their best day they don’t come close. Then there’s the pizza, hot dogs, falafel, etc., etc., etc. I’m in a food coma just thinking about it all.

And maybe it’s just me, but NY feels like it is 100x more social than LA. My friends who live in the city are NEVER home. Part of this is probably due to the fact that their bedrooms could fit in my bathtub. If my living space clocked in at under 200 square feet and I could easily walk to 500 bars, I would probably be out drinking martinis every night, too. So maybe I’m just a tad propagandized from growing up with Sex & the City and my current obsession with Gossip Girl. And perhaps I’m a little disappointed that my LA isn’t the same as the LA featured on Melrose Place, The Hills, or Entourage. But everything just seems so much prettier in NY. And real pretty… not like fake-LA pretty. NYC doesn’t have breast implants and hasn’t had a brow lift. NYC is a natural beauty.

But just when I’m packing my boxes and putting all of my furniture on Craig’s List, I remember how much easier it is to live in LA than NY on an assistant’s salary. And then I remember all of the freezing cold winters I suffered through in college and how I swore, as God is my witness, I would never wear a down coat again. LA can be annoying, but come on…. When it’s 75 and sunny on February 1^st, what else can you possibly have to complain about? So I’m not shelving NY forever. Just until I reach the point in my career when I can afford a fabulous apartment and an amazing outerwear wardrobe. Until that day, LA will do.

WHERE: 3000 miles away
COST: $350-$400 roundtrip, if you can get a good fare.

Lifers

2008-07-31T09:49:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like lifers. Career assistants are a staple of any major entertainment powerhouse. Most major “name” execs have one and would be lost without them. Lifers are old school and usually make regular assistants look like lazy schlubs. They have excellent phone manners, can type a pristine letter (and on a typewriter, to boot), and know the correct way to set a meeting. (In case you’re wondering, that would be getting avails from the most powerful person first.)

Lifers can sometimes be a little… how should we put this… cantankerous? Their patience is worn thin due to many years of babysitting people who really should be able to do certain things for themselves. They aren’t ever going to agree to getting drinks with you, and even asking them is a rookie mistake and an automatic red flag that you are greener than the Jolly Green Giant. And they definitely aren’t going to make chit-chat with you. They might shoot the shit with your boss (after all, they’ve been dealing with each other for years) – but they for sure aren’t going to do the same with you. You are interchangeable as far as they’re concerned. They might not even expend the energy to learn your name because they know a new you will be coming along in 12 months.

But lifers are incredible resources and depthless fonts of knowledge. They are walking history books for a company. They can tell you all you need to know about past deals, projects, clients, materials, etc. They know all of the gossip on the execs, so if you ever get in good with one, you can get some really great dirt out of them. And they are well-connected. They’re buddy-buddy with the maitre-d at every major restaurant in town and can help you get a Friday 8:00 reservation for your junior agent boss who wants to impress his current ingénue girlfriend. In addition, the lifer network is expansive, so they’re often the first to hear when a really great desk opens up. If they really like you, they might even make a personal recommendation on your behalf (and trust us, their opinion means a lot.) And best of all, their cabinets are chock full of screeners, so they can be like your own personal Netflix (their boss is a member of the Academy, but is helpless when it comes to technology so he rarely takes the DVDs home).

Lifers can be tough nuts to crack, but getting on their good side can prove to be an invaluable experience for the average Hollywood assistant. They’re like a delicious crab leg dinner at Red Lobster. Sure, it’s a pain in the ass to get through the tough shells and you might even hurt yourself in the process. But once you hit the meat, all your hard work pays off and you can enjoy the fruits of your labor.

WHERE: Outside the really big office… you know the one. It probably has its own bathroom.
COST: Patience and perseverance.

Earthquakes

2008-07-29T14:52:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like earthquakes. Well, maybe like is the wrong word. Fascinated is more accurate because anything that disrupts a Tuesday and puts the office in a tailspin is okay with us.

Being from the suburbs of New York we would be let out of school the minute there was any sign of snow. Now I live in LA and the earth just FUCKING MOVED and yet I have not been sent home. While our bosses panic about their kids, dogs, spouses and homes, I sit in my office worried that my Ikea furniture might not have survived the quake of '08 (I really should have followed those instructions better!).

Hollywood Assistants stay strong. We’re assuming everyone is safe because of the overwhelming Facebook and Gchat status messages. Told you they were good for something.

Be prepared: http://www.fema.gov/hazard/earthquake/eq_during.shtm

LOCATION: From Chino (Ryan is safe!) to Santa Monica, Santa Barbara (is the wine ok??) to San Diego
COST: What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right?

Facebook

2008-07-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Facebook. This one is an obvious one. And one we probably should have done a long time ago. But really, we Hollywood Assistants don't just like Facebook, we are addicted to it. The day is a waste if we don't acquire at least one new friend or get sent an application request. Helping your boss sell a script to Universal is horseplay compared to the extremely hard work that goes in to beating your college roommate at Scrabulous.

Facebook is awesome for us Hollywood Assistants for many reasons. One reason: stalking. Another reason: stalking. And finally: stalking. Fine, maybe it's not actually stalking per se, but what else do you call looking at your office crush's pictures from Cabo? Or constantly checking the relationship status of the guy you made out with at the JHRTS holiday party? One of my favorite activities is looking up people I talk to on a daily basis for work. It's always nice to put a face and favorite quote to a voice. Never would I have thought that the assistant I set up a notes call with at Dreamworks loved all things Harry Potter and was looking for Random Play!

Facebook is really changing the way we Hollywood Assistants are living our lives. We're constantly checking our profiles for new wall comments and making sure only flattering pictures get tagged. There's nothing wore than an ugly picture of you drunk on the floor of St. Nick's hitting the world wide web. That shit'll haunt you for life.

It's fair to say all our lives were shook upside down when our bosses signed up for Facebook. How did the playground for Hollywood Assistants suddenly turn into supervised recess? Soon we were forced to remove "slave" from our work info and put the show we work on as our favorite television program. Or worse, we went unsearchable. To me going unsearchable is a cop out. You're not elusive or cool. You're literally just an unclickable question mark. If you really want certain people not to see your profile go private or my favorite: limit profile! You can block certain people from seeing your inappropriate “about me” section or the super embarrassing groups you belong to (an entire group dedicated to people who share your first name, way cool). It's fool proof. Also, Facebook really is the only respectable networking site online. Friendster? So 2003. MySpace? OMG. I went on MySpace the other day and it was like going to the old mall after the new mall opened up in town. It was still breathing but just barely.

There's never a reason to be bored with Facebook. It allows for hours and hours of stalking fun. From stalking old high school friends you lost touch with or messaging with your college BFFs to plan a reunion or browsing your newest crush’s photos trying to decipher if the girl in all his pictures is a friend or lover, Facebook knows no limits. But just be careful though because while Facebook provides endless amounts of fun you’re only just a click away. And really, we're judging your activities and favorite music.

WHERE: http://www.facebook.com - don't lie it's your homepage
COST: Free or years of therapy when you learn the love of your life went from "single" to "in a relationship"

Emmy Nominations

2008-07-17T12:19:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants love Emmy nominations. You’re nothing in Hollywood if you aren’t winning awards. Well, unless your ratings are inexplicably high or your movie is raking in the dough despite being critically maligned. But awards are still important, and Hollywood loves to have a reason to pat itself on the back.

And so, hooray! The Emmy nominations were announced this morning. We are beyond PSYCHED for the love shown to some of our favorite shows. Mad Men garnered 16 nominations – that is insane! (See, we would never steer you wrong.) 30 Rock got lots of love, too. And we always jump up and down with glee whenever The Office gets kudos. We thought Damages was a fresh take on the legal thriller show, so it’s fantastic that it’s getting recognized and Glenn Close is extremely deserving of the Best Actress nom. And Neil Patrick Harris and Amy Poehler getting Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy nods? Color us ecstatic.

And we’re pleased that Emmy voters are finally over the constant Grey’s Anatomy/Desperate Housewives ass-kissing fest. Those shows are totally still watchable, but they had their moment and it’s time to highlight some other outstanding and talented people.

Of course, we are right there with those of you bemoaning the lack of nominations for Friday Night Lights. For some reason Emmy voters aren’t making the journey to Dillon and that really makes us sad. It’s one of the best shows on TV – network OR cable – and deserves to get some props. So keep fighting the good fight, Panthers fans. Hopefully one day it will get the acclaim (and ratings) it deserves. And we’re just as pissed about The Wire diss as you guys. Michael K. Williams deserved a nod for his portrayal of Omar. We are happy the show got recognized in the writing category, but are saddened that it got zilch for it’s actors.

But overall, we were pleasantly surprised and pleased with today’s announcements. There was a good mix of the old with the new and some truly praiseworthy shows got the recognition they deserve. We can't wait for September 21^st to see who wins and to check out what everyone is wearing. Let's get serious. We love the awards, but we gotta give it up for the red carpet fashion, too.

WHERE: ABC, Sunday September 21st
COST: Whatever one of those gold statues sets you back.

Side Projects

2008-07-11T10:20:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like side projects. Ambition is something you must possess in great quantities in order to survive in this town. Otherwise what’s the point of putting up with the long hours, low pay, and mundane tasks you must do everyday? Let’s face it: for most of us, our jobs are incredibly uncreative. 3-hole-punch. Staple. Update phone sheet. Shred. Repeat. So in hopes of reigniting that artistic spark that Los Angeles so desperately tries to extinguish within them, many Assistants take on a side project to help satisfy their creative yearnings.

It’s no secret that nearly everyone in town is plotting their next move. The cliché is that every waiter who is serving you an amuse bouché down on Third Street is, in actuality, an “actor” by trade and merely waiting tables until their big break hits. A lesser known, but equally prevalent, cliché is the assistant who actually wants to write, direct, produce, or do all three. Whereas the wannabe agents schmooze at drinks, collect business cards, and perfect the greasy Ari Gold vernacular (“I love YOU! You are THE BEST. I wanna be in the business of you.”), the wannabe creative types spend their precious free time amassing material that they are ready to show to anyone… should anyone ever ask. The most common incarnations of assistant side projects include:

1) Screenplays. The classic Chanel suit of something you do on the side. Assistants have been writing screenplays at their desks since the dawn of movie time. Did you know that The Wizard of Oz began as a spec adaptation that Louis B. Mayer found in the back of a filing cabinet? It wasn’t until halfway through production that he discovered that his secretary was the true screenwriter. And out of gratitude he gave her a promotion and a raise. (Ok, so I am totally making this up). In modern times, hundreds of assistants spend their days surreptitiously minimizing their call sheets and maximizing Final Draft while rolling with their bosses. Most of these scripts end up as coasters on the coffee tables of the kinder CE’s in town, but hey, at least they’re out there. Even if no one’s reading them.

2) Comedy Web Sites. The new age key to scoring a development deal. Nowadays it seems that every person has a “comedy” website – I put the term “comedy” in quotes because, let’s face it, 95% of these sites aren’t funny to anyone but their creator. Thanks to Youtube, PC & Mac-based editing suites, and relatively inexpensive digital videocams, any asshole can film his buddies doing a parody of Indiana Jones in their backyard and call himself a production company. After the shorts are uploaded, many anxious days are spent with fingers crossed that Judd Apatow will just happen to stumble across the site and make the creator a part of his gang. It should go without saying, but I will say it nonetheless to crush your burgeoning Hollywood dreams: Chances of this happening are pretty slim – although there are definite hilarious exceptions.

3) Trailers. For the producers and directors among us who lack the cash to make their indie masterpiece. If you can’t get your script past the studio gates and the $600 your parents promised to loan you won’t quite be enough to finance your budget, then why make a whole movie? You can instead make a trailer for a movie and use that as a selling tool. Those studio bigwigs will certainly drool over the special effects rigged by your stoner buddy with the unhealthy affection for all things George Lucas. If only you could get them to watch it…

4) Blogs. “Hello, Pot? Yes, this is Kettle. You’re black.” Not to point any fingers, but the need to find a creative outlet is a familiar feeling around the SHAL headquarters. Some of the great tv writers of our generation blog, including our personal favorite Mindy Kaling of The Office. What’s not to love about having a blog? Blogging is free, relatively easy, and you can find a built-in readership by pimping your blog on your Gchat status. And you get to spend countless hours finding fun pictures of LOLCats and presidential interns on Google Image. Do you see a downside?

When workplace monotony is getting you down, consider turning to your side project for a creativity wheatgrass shot. It will leave you reinvigorated and ready to tackle the Hollywood system. Well, for the next five minutes at least. Because every smart future Academy Award winner/television giant/indie mogul knows that exercising your creative juices now will only help you in the long run.

WHERE: Macbooks open to Final Draft in coffee shops all over LA, friend’s backyards, Blogger
COST: Consider the investment in your future. You’ll make this money back some day.

Interns

2008-07-10T16:17:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Interns. We Hollywood Assistants are pretty much at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to the hierarchy of the Hollywood system. We’re at the beck and call of our bosses, waiting to do anything and everything when they ask. No matter what. When you think about our rank it’s pretty damn depressing. But in order to make ourselves feel better, we just need to remember there’s always going to be someone below us. Hello, lowly intern.

We’ve all been interns. Therefore we all know how much it sucks. Doing a ton of crappy work and not getting paid for it is basically slave labor. Actually, it is slave labor. Organizing a supply closet just for the sake of having something to do is not my idea of learning about how the entertainment industry works. Neither is photocopying a paperback copy of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. By page 520 you pretty much want to quit the internship and go back home to Connecticut to tell all your friends and family about just how awful Hollywood really is. Though you don’t, or rather you didn’t, because you know everyone needs to start somewhere. And if you really do want to make it in this business this is the first step. Even if said step is not that far from the ground. It’s still something. Right?

The best part about interns is their affection for us. When I was an intern all the assistants at the company seemed like the cool seniors. I was the young, naïve freshman. They could have told me there was a pool on the roof of Sony and I would have totally believed them. I yearned for their attention, their respect and most importantly their jobs. They had it all. And luckily (or unluckily) for me, my dreams came true and I became one of them. Boy, had I been disillusioned. This whole thing was not all it was cracked up to be. But hey, it was better than being an intern. At least this time all the crappy duties came with a paycheck, benefits, a 401K and maybe an intern or two to ease the workload.

Every semester new interns crowd our offices. Sure, they only work the 10-6 shift but for those 8 hours they’re at our disposal. Like marionette dolls, we’re pulling their strings and can make them do anything we want. Photocopying, check. Coffee runs, check. Boring research projects, check. And the whole time they’ll do it with a smile. Well, the ones that are really cut out for Hollywood will. They’re the ones who really work hard and are there to serve you and look up to you and bask you in compliments. But just watch out. We know how determined and crafty these kids are. One day they’re just an intern and the next they’re the Eve Harrington to our Margo Channing. Fasten your seatbelts, interns. You’re in for a bumpy ride.

WHERE: Any production company, studio, TV show, agency, management company, etc.
COST: Free labor (and maybe $10 for lunch but that's on the company's dime)

Road Trips

2008-07-07T11:20:00.000-07:00

Gas prices be damned: Hollywood assistants like road trips. Whether reliving our college road trip glory days of not too many years ago, or taking that first adult road trip (since many assistants in this town went to school in large and important cities where cars were not the necessity they are in this suburban sprawl) - it’s never a bad time for a road trip. Even the most paid vacation deprived PA can take a weekend on the road, so break out your designer shades and charge your blu-tooth: it’s time to review the key elements needed for any successful road trip:

iPod mixes: XM radio is for suckers – everyone between the age of 18 and 34 can program the road trip mood with a carefully selected iPod mix. The mix should consist of the token generic road trip songs (Tom Cochrane’s Life is a Highway, Postal Service’s Such Great Heights, Phantom Planet’s California for the way back, anything by Counting Crows and, of course, Journey’s Don't Stop Believin') and then a great mix of cheesy tunes everyone will sing along to, like Uptown Girl, and unexpected jams from years back that will elicit the “OMG I really miss Dave Matthews Band too!” response. The importance of a strong (and long) iPod mix will be felt roughly around hour 2 of traffic when you are still in Silver Lake.

Condoms: Do I need to elaborate on this? Hollywood Assistants like sex but do not like non-celebrity babies.

A healthy rivalry with technology: I: Robot might have sucked, but lesson learned: robots are taking over the world and we all have to do our part to combat this coup. On road trips, this means outsmarting the Navigation system. Oh really, Nav, you think it’s going to take 5 hours to get to Vegas? Well I’m man and I still dominate computer, and I say it’s going to take 4 hours. What do you have to say about that? Forget the fact that we’re in Friday rush hour traffic, sig alert indicates several multi-car pile ups and the 101 is pretty much a construction site, this drive is not going to take more than 4 hours or we might as well start calling our Macs “Master.”

Facebook statuses: Why even take a road trip unless it’s going to make at least 10 CAA assistants jealous? A simple “Vegas, baby!” can do wonders.

The historian: Everyone has that friend who celebrates the creation day of the digital camera annually. You know the one I’m talking about: she takes pictures of every road sign with someone’s name in it, she thinks brunch at The Griddle is more about getting a great picture of 5 people around one pancake than eating, and she has mastered the art of the arm length self-group shot (explaining the 4,527 photos of her posted on Facebook). No one can quite remember who brought the paparazzi into the group, and it’s impossible to tell whom she’s actually close with because for every person you know, there are at least 100 pictures of the historian hugging them. This person might cause temporary blindness from the endless camera flashes, but come Monday morning when you are in a depression spiral at your desk job over the end of the road trip, you really start to appreciate the historian. Sure, you have to scramble to de-tag the less than flattering shots of you making out with the local(s), but at least you can relive the joy of road trips past with the 1,000 photos deep albums of the best two days ever.

Where: 500 mile radius from The Grove Epicenter
Cost: I mean, you drive a Prius, right?

Las Vegas

2008-07-07T11:15:00.000-07:00

Hollywood assistants like Las Vegas. The driveable distance to Sin City makes it the Stripper’s Hamptons of the West, and on the short list of vacation destinations for underpaid assistants with 0 vacation time. Break out anything you own that is too glittery for even Boulevard 3 (who knew, right?) and review the rules of craps: it’s time to hit Vegas.

The trip to Vegas starts off with some semblance of a budget. Noticing the low balance in our checking accounts and the high balance on our credit cards, we take careful measures to justify the trip to the strip. Sure, Vegas can be expensive, but if we are careful enough, we can make this an economically friendly vacation. To start with, we’ll drive, hit up a liquor store when we get there at 9PM and have a few drinks in our room before going out. We won’t gamble too much, except maybe the cheap gambling at Gold Coast, and we’ll replace expensive meals at Cut with fast food or something. I mean, lying by the pool costs nothing, which is what we’re doing all day anyhow, so how expensive could Vegas really be?

Right. One miserable 7-hour drive in Friday rush hour and “Vegas on a budget” becomes “It’s midnight, I’m starving and whatever restaurant we go to better serve cocktails and steak. Whatever it costs I’m sure we’ll make it up on the no limit poker tables.”

Vegas isn’t about smart economic decisions, anyway. Vegas is about taking all things shiny, tacky and trashy, overcharging for them, and packaging it with the promise that anything you do wrong within the city limits doesn’t count in the real world, so you’re paying for socially acceptable Hedonism. Bring it.

Every Vegas group has one gambling quasi-expert, usually the one who organizes the trip, and generally somebody who should be armed with at least a GA hotline number for when they are considering ante-ing up the car on a game of Black Jack. This person usually wanders off shortly after checking into the hotel, and no one really sees them until all the money is gone. The rest of the group has no idea what they are doing, and therefore tends to irritate all others at the craps table, roulette wheel, and really anything other than the vacuum of the slot machines. Casinos are for our grandparents anyway.

The days in Vegas are all about poolside cocktails and playing my favorite Vegas drinking game, I spy a cliché. It’s fairly easy and extremely effective: every time someone sees, hears or smells a Vegas cliché (and yes, the smell of Axe body spray counts), everybody drinks. You’ll be tipped over on the passing “What happens in Vegas,” comments alone, and after a day of gold bikinis, cougars on the prowl, parades of bachelorette parties and, of course, weekend wedding band removal, it will be a miracle if you can recover in time to go out that night.

Las Vegas: home of miracles and inexplicable recoveries. After a short group nap in the standard hotel room shared between a couple friends and the inevitable random acquaintances (“I know we don’t know each other too well, but can you be big spoon?”), it’s time to hit the Vegas night life.

Scratch that: it’s time to wait in line where all the bridges and all the tunnels in the US converge: the wrong side of the Vegas velvet rope. Never fear, being the resourceful and deceptive assistants we are, we’ve used the skills carefully honed getting our bosses a night-of 8:00 pm reservation at Osteria Mozza in 2007 to get ourselves the VIP fast track at every club that has ever hosted a birthday party for Kristen Cavallari. Sure, no one knows who we are in Vegas, but they also don’t know who we’re not, specifically really important agents who’s celebrity clients might be interested in stopping by the club next week, but not until we check it out tonight first. Though it might result in months of annoying follow up phone calls from club promoters, dropping our title-less business cards is oddly more effective than slipping the bouncer a hundy.

Once in the club, it becomes apparent that strobe lights and stripper poles still are, and probably always will be, the only décor accepted in Vegas, minus the occasional silver confetti shower. It’s cheesy and pretty class-less all around, but so are we in Vegas, so let’s dance as our glittery numbers catch the strobe light at just the right moment to flash the bat signal to..well, whoever really, so we can make out until the sun rises over the strip. Well hello, stranger, that cologne smells like a Vegas cliché to me, so let me come up for air just long enough to finish my overpriced Kettle Red Bull and then I’m all yours until the breakfast buffet opens.

Where: Las Vegas, NV
Cost: How bad is your gambling/drinking problem?

Mad Men

2008-06-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like MAD MEN. Summer television is such a depressing wasteland. The lack of quality things to watch forces me to Tivo CELEBRITY CIRCUS and get excited for the Raven Symone/Wayne Newton death match on CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD. It's bleak, bleak times. Don't get me wrong - watching Peter Brady light himself on fire is somewhat entertaining. But it's also rotting my brain. I feel myself getting stupider.

That's why I am so psyched that MAD MEN is coming back on July 27th. Picking favorite TV shows is, for me, akin to picking a favorite child. I just can't choose. But MAD MEN ranks right up there in my top 5. It isn't the disappointing son that dropped out of junior college. No, this baby got his MBA at Harvard. MAD MEN is truly one of the best things on TV right now because it is so well-written and incredibly engrossing. It has the most amazing ensemble cast. I am obsessed with Christina Hendricks, Jon Hamm, John Slattery, and Elizabeth Moss. And I love all of the guys who play the junior execs. My particular favorite is Rich Sommer, who plays his extramarital affair with such a wide-eyed bumbling innocence that it's hard not to love him. (Also, he has the cutest baby ever and I'm addicted his blog.)

Fellow Hollywood Assistants: it is a sin if you're not watching this show. It is a paragon of everything we should be encouraging our bosses to create. It is also hard to watch it without feeling a kinship with the steno pool at Sterling-Cooper.

Sure, we might have laptops instead of typewriters and, thank god, we don't have to wear girdles (but I will take their wardrobe any day... just leave the scary undergarments behind). But the unswerving loyalty to our bosses is still the same. So are the office politics and the feeling that for every great idea that comes to fruition, there are 1000 assistant (or secretary) man hours behind it. Thankfully the sexual politics have progressed somewhat. Women actually have a prayer of advancing in 2008, which was a rare thing in 1960. But to quote HAIRSPRAY, "We've come so far but we've got so far to go." (Ok, removing Gloria Steinem hat now.)

So please, I beg you, watch MAD MEN. I promise you will love it, thank me for it, and feel cool for being a part of the cultural zeitgeist. Also, I vote for reviving the lunchtime martini and the 4 o'clock office happy hour. Who's with me? Let's start a revolution.

WHERE: New season - AMC, Sundays at 10:00 pm, starting July 27th. Or season 1 on Amazonon July 1st. Or on iTunes. Or on OnDemand beginning June 30th. Or a season 1 marathon on AMC on July 20th. (Seriously, how easy do I need to make this for you?)
COST: $31.99 on Amazon

LA Fitness

2008-06-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like LA Fitness. Welcome to Hollywood! It's everything US Weekly made you hope it would be, and everything your mother warned you about. The people here are beautiful. They are toned and tightened to perfection. Every guy here looks like he stepped off the set of a Bow-Flex informercial (...and in some cases, he probably did). Every girl here has a body like Hilary Duff's on the cover of SHAPE magazine (except, well, Hilary was retouched.)

Everyone, that is, except you. You, dear call-roller, are trapped behind a desk for 60 hours a week. The most activity you get during the work day happens when you lift your 19th Diet Coke to your lips. They warned you about the Freshman 15, but what they didn't tell you about was the Tinseltown Twenty. An old co-worker of mine devised a theory that sitting on her ass all day actually made her butt flatter. And not in a good way. There are 2 ways of staying skinny under these conditions - putting something up your nose (but we're a family-friendly blog and don't endorse this) and getting yourself into a gym.

So one day, in a burst of inspiration, you decide "Hey! I know! I'll start working out!" After about 5 seconds of research, you realize that the monthly dues at Sports Club/LA and Equinox will cost you the equivalent of a week's salary - not to mention that their initiation fees cost about the same amount that you just put down on your '98 BMW 3 Series. But thankfully there's a place for you to be up in the gym just workin' on your fitness: LA Fitness.

LA Fitness is assistant-friendly for a number of reasons. You can get unlimited workouts and classes for about $30/month, which is an affordable number on even the most meager salary. You'll never be the only one reading a script on the Precor (and thus won't feel like as much of a douche. You have a lot of reading to do... we know you aren't doing it to get attention). And their locations are, for the most part, convenient to whatever part of town you work in. The Valley studio-drones can sweat it out in Universal City or Hollywood, while the Bev Hills agency rats can frequent the Miracle Mile one or the one down on La Cienega. And even the Westsiders can get in on the action at the one in Westwood... although it is pretty much over run by UCLA undergrads. (But some people - mostly dudes - consider working out alongside cute coeds a good thing. We'll let them have their fun.)

Eventually you'll get to take your pilates class at Equinox and work out alongside the B-list TV stars at Sports Club/LA. But for now, save your $$ and get your ever-expanding ass to LA Fitness.

WHERE: www.lafitness.com
COST: $29.99/month

Gchat

2008-06-05T16:18:00.001-07:00

Taken from a Gchat correspondence on 6/5/08:

DevelopmentAsst: You know what Hollywood Assistants like?
AgencyAsst: what?
DevelopmentAsst: Gchat.
AgencyAsst: Totally agree!
DevelopmentAsst: Gchat is so the new AIM.
It's like AIM's hotter, cuter, easier sister
AgencyAsst: It's totally the second wife
DevelopmentAsst: That's so Hollywood
AgencyAsst: Sometimes I feel like I'm cheating on AIM with Gchat
DevelopmentAsst: Me too.
AgencyAsst: Like I'll occasionally talk on AIM but all my attention is focused on Gchat. It’s the only thing on my mind.
I want to shower Gchat with gifts while I just want dinner on the table with AIM.
DevelopmentAsst: hahahahahaha
Gchat is the mistress, but you don't have to pay for her
She's FREE!
AgencyAsst: Totally free.
And looking to please you. You gotta work for AIM. Like a real relationship, ugh.
DevelopmentAsst: Well, it makes it so easy because everything is in one window
AgencyAsst: For real.
DevelopmentAsst: Like you can be checking your email AND chatting. Talk about multi tasking.
AgencyAsst: Tell me about it. I need to be maximizing my online activities. On AIM all you do is chat. Boring.
And speaking of AIM, I used to stalk people's away messages on it. Like all the time.
But now I stalk people's status messages on Gchat.
DevelopmentAsst: I LOVE status messages.
How else would you know what your friends' side projects are?
AgencyAsst: Or what videos are making them guffaw like crazy?
DevelopmentAsst: Isn't it fun when your friend posts a link to their new "comedy" website in their status and it sucks?
And is the furthest thing from funny ever?
AgencyAsst: Not funny, more awkward.
DevelopmentAsst: Yeah, that's the word I was looking for.
AgencyAsst: Because then they'll ask you if you watched it and then you have to lie and say work was crazy busy.
DevelopmentAsst: Yeah, so Gchat gives you warning
it's like the Tornado Alert system
CAUTION - Shitty Side Project ahead! Duck and cover!
AgencyAsst: hahaha, code red for self indulgence.
DevelopmentAsst: You know what else is fun about Gchat?
Group chats.
AgencyAsst: Ooh I love group chats.
Two's company, three's a party
DevelopmentAsst: YEAH
Group chats are especially good for when you're planning for the weekend
Instead of 30 reply-all's, you can just get all of your friends in a room and hash out which shitty bar you're going to hit that night
AgencyAsst: Definitely. Totally easier. It's the Gen Y version of a conference call (and we get enough of those while actually doing work).
DevelopmentAsst: In our office, we do a group chat to decide what we're ordering for lunch
That way the interns can't chime in.
Is that mean?
AgencyAsst: Kind of. Especially since they're the ones who have to pick it up.
But when I was an intern I would never have expected to get a say in where we ate lunch.
DevelopmentAsst: Okay, maybe next time I'll invite them to the group chat.
AgencyAsst: Maybe on their last day.
Make them feel special.
They can write about it in their journal: “and today they actually let me speak! I love Hollywood!”
DevelopmentAsst: Thanks for being my conscious.
Gchat often makes me feel really popular
Like, when I have so many different windows open that it has to start closing some
That's when I feel like the Prom Queen
AgencyAsst: Love it.
And that's the best part of Gchat, if you X out of a window and you go to type that person back the whole convo is still there!
no, "wait, sorry, what'd you say".
that's AIM lingo, not Gchat lingo.
DevelopmentAsst: Although that can be dangerous
AgencyAsst: True. It's like you can never quite escape a conversation.
That's when you go Invisible
DevelopmentAsst: There are some things I've said in Gchat that I'd rather forget
Like when I tried to tell you about my awkward romantic interaction with my cube mate.
And realized that I was typing in the wrong window. And that I sent the whole story to my boss and not you.
AgencyAsst: It happens to the best of us.
DevelopmentAsst: I cannot wait to get CRUUUUNKED tonight.
Oops, wrong IM!
AgencyAsst: Well, you’re lucky it was just me and not someone who judges. :)
DevelopmentAsst: Who are you kidding? Of course you judge. This is Hollywood. Everyone judges. But that's another topic all together...

WHERE: The best e-mail server on the web, GMAIL!
COST: Freeeeeee

El Guapo

2008-05-28T17:08:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like El Guapo. I always thought that when I graduated from college I would also have graduated from playing beer pong. Alas, I was wrong. So, so wrong. In fact, since moving to Los Angeles I have found that Hollywood Assistants do not just like to play beer pong, they LOVE to play beer pong. And luckily for them there is a place in LA that allows them the freedom to do so whenever they want to: El Guapo.

El Guapo translates to The Handsome. And like Malo, El Guapo is just trying to be ironic in its name. Because seriously this bar is pretty gnarly. The floors are covered in beer and the place smells like margaritas, PBR, tacos and Drakaar Noir. El Guapo is a place where flip flops do not fare well. Not only is there a chance your feet might get doused in beer but by wearing flip flops you might also get stuck to the floors (and I mean literally. This has happened to me and it’s not fun).

Thankfully the saving grace of El Guapo is the beer pong. There are tables surrounded throughout where you can start a game with a few old friends or some new ones and play beer pong until your heart's desire. You can even play flip cup if you really want to be ambitious. And the best part about it is that no one ever judges you. You can be old, young, rich, poor, fat, skinny, it doesn’t matter one bit. Because at El Guapo everyone has the love of the game of beer pong in their blood. An added bonus is the yearly Hollywood Assistants Beer Pong tournament. This is where the most “athletic” assistants from the studios, big production companies and major agencies/management companies participate in a friendly (or unfriendly) tournament to establish which company in Hollywood has the best aim. The tournament is like the World Series for us assistants. And unfortunately, even in beer pong CAA is actually kind of good. They’re like the Yankees. Damn CAA.

Sure, by midnight the bathrooms are probably flooded and there’s usually puke in the sink but that’s the best part of El Guapo. It’s a place to play some beer pong, watch sports games, get wasted and maybe make out with someone whose name you won’t even remember the next day. There are no frills to this place whatsoever. But that’s the beauty of El Guapo.

WHERE: 7250 Melrose Ave, Los Angeles, CA 90046
COST: Too drunk to even care

The Bar

2008-05-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like The Bar. If it seems like all we ever do is work, drink, go out to eat, and bitch about this town…well, then you might be onto something. Because that’s pretty much exactly what we do. With that in mind, I am pleased to bring you yet another bar that I love love love – a charming little joint on Sunset by the 101 called The Bar.

The Bar is a little hole in the wall next to a gas station and across the street from Tribune Studios. It’s on kind of a barren stretch of Sunset, but that doesn’t matter, because you won’t want to leave. This is not a bar-hopping bar. This is a make-yourself-comfortable-and-drink-till-closing bar. It’s owned by the same people who brought you Magnolia (yum!) and Bar Chloe in Santa Monica (which I haven’t been to yet, but looks adorable.) And its name kind of makes you feel like you belong to a secret club. If you text someone that you’re at The Bar and they aren’t in the know, you’ll get a text back that says “What bar??”. It’s like a fun little game you can play with your friends. They’ll think you’re taking them to some secret spot and you can keep the masquerade going all night. Until it gets annoying and you go back to chugging your vodka soda.

The Bar is really low key and on the smaller side, with a teensy smoking porch out back. The smoking porch is usually the place to be. Let’s be honest: smoking might kill you, but people who smoke are often entertaining. On many weekend nights they bring in fun DJs. It’s not really a dancing place, but with the right DJ it can be. On more than one occasion I’ve seen girls doing their best Paris Hilton impression on top of the banquettes. It’s one of those places where all of a sudden “Sweet Child of Mine” comes on, I’m three drinks in, and life can’t get much better.

I know we frequently use St. Nick’s as our bar touchstone (which pains me, it really does), but The Bar is like a polished version of St. Nick’s. The crowd is a little older and hipper, but not to an intimidating level. And not to name drop, but I’ve had some pretty solid celeb sightings there. I will always treasure my evening spent with Denny from Grey’s Anatomy and Elton from Clueless. I had a quasi-event at The Bar and Jeremy Piven showed up. The Pivs was at my party! Granted, he wasn’t actually there for my thing, but that’s not important. A Pivs sighting at your event automatically lends you Hollywood Street Cred.

The Bar is a solid, all-around fun place to go on a weekend night when you can’t deal with the LA scene. Good drinks, good company, and good music are guaranteed. Just don’t forget to let the Pivs know that you’ll be there… odds are that he might just turn up and you can have your own little Entourage moment.

WHERE: 5851 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood
COST: $5 for an Amstel Light, $8 for a vodka soda (at least, that's what I'm ordering.)

Diet Coke

2008-05-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Diet Coke. I’ve had a lot of drinks in my day. A lot. But there’s no drink I’ve enjoyed more than Diet Coke. It’s the drink I crave at all times. I could have a Diet Coke with any meal, anytime of the day, rain or shine. There’s no way to quite describe the sensation I get when that wondrous caffeinated, bubbly goodness hits my lips. It’s pure ecstasy.

Some of us Hollywood assistants are lucky enough to get free lunch everyday at work (usually brought right to our desk by an intern, score!). Others aren’t so fortunate and have to fork over their hard earned cash if they want to eat. Though, there’s always one thing I’ve found that’s free at any job in Hollywood: Diet Coke. Most office refrigerators are constantly stocked with can upon can of DC (that’s Diet Coke for all us fiends). And sometimes our jobs are so stressful that the only thing we even have time to consume during the day are a few cans of Diet Coke (best diet ever!). Plus that’s how you know if you have a bad job. No free Diet Coke = bootleg company. Get out now.

Diet Pepsi seriously has nothing on Diet Coke. I know there are a few people out there who like Diet Pepsi more, but you’re fooling yourself. You probably don’t like Diet Coke because you like the underdog (these are usually people who rooted for Jillian Lewis on Project Runway or Syesha on American Idol). Diet Coke is far superior to Diet Pepsi. Drinking Diet Pepsi is like drinking Diet Rite. It’s just cheap and tasteless.

Diet Coke is the perfect drink for any occasion. Whether it be in the morning after a long night of drinking (total cure for a hangover) or during a movie at the Arclight (omg, Diet Coke from a fountain is THE greatest thing in the entire world) or at a bar while you’re the DD (usually bartenders take pity on you and give it to you for free), Diet Coke is the absolute best. I know that no matter how hard my day is, there’s always going to be a cold Diet Coke waiting for me in the fridge to make me feel better. I get my fix from Diet Coke. And hey, it’s cheaper than crack.

WHERE: "No shit, you guys got Coke here?" "Well yeah, this is America."
COST: Free at work or $1 for a can

Living in LA

2008-05-27T17:24:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like living in LA. Because at least we're not trying to live in New York on our salaries:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/25/nyregion/25scrimp.html?em&ex=1212033600&en=3a026e390ef12a77&ei=5087%0A

WHERE: The up-and-coming but not slummy neighborhoods of Los Angeles.
COST: $750 per roommate for a two bedroom, 1 bath apartment in the Fairfax district.

Time Off

2008-05-27T17:19:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like time off. The entertainment industry is (on the whole) mercifully liberal with the amount of time off it grants. We get the standard two weeks of paid vacation time a year. True, rare is the assistant who is taking two weeks off to vacation in Morocco, but the State of California forces your employer to pay you for whatever time you have accrued when you leave a job, so everyone wins.

On top of that, most of us get two weeks off at the holidays. All of the agencies shut their doors from a couple of days before Christmas to a few days after New Years. And the networks and studios cut down to skeleton staffs and fewer hours. So the odds are in your favor that you’ll have a nice chunk of time to spend with your family… or off on an isolated island somewhere in the South Pacific. Whatever you prefer. But buy your tickets now, because airfare will only get more expensive.

Then you throw in your national holidays and, since this is LA, your Jewish holidays and it works out to probably a good 6 weeks off per year. That ain’t too shabby in the grand scheme of things. But we’re greedy - all of us - assistants and execs alike. We need more time off. We want more time on our long weekends to take earlier flights to the East Coast or try to beat the weekend traffic to Santa Barbara or avoid the crowds at the Burbank Ikea. So before a national holiday, emails start flying around town: “Anyone closing early Friday?” And it takes just one major entity to flip. Someone sends an email out to a few friends that says “XXX will be closing at 1:00 on Friday for the long weekend” and within minutes every other company in town is taking off early, too. We’re all lemmings just waiting to be told to dive off the cliff.

So if you’re lucky enough to leave the office early on a Friday afternoon because you have summer hours, make a special Happy Hour toast to your call-rolling comrades who are still stuck in the office. And save them a seat at the bar so they, too, can enjoy a half-priced margarita when they slide into the bar two minutes before the drink specials end. (The boss was being especially nice today.) Because for every assistant enjoying a half day, there are 5 more who are still shackled to their desks at 9 pm. And we’ve all been there.

WHERE: Santa Barbara, Palm Springs, San Francisco, or anywhere that's not your office.
COST: Whatever your salary breaks down to per day. But you don't have to work to earn it. Score!

Goodbye Emails

2008-05-23T07:25:00.000-07:00

Hollywood assistants like goodbye emails. The average shelf life of a Hollywood assistant on a desk is roughly 365 days – just long enough to learn as much as you can before the job becomes repetitive. When that day comes to move onward and upward, we’re thinking not of the last lunch, requisite celebratory happy hour, or awkward goodbye hug with the old boss. What we’re most concerned with is our farewell.

There are stakes in sending out a goodbye email, especially when you’re working at a huge company where it seems like a new assistant leaves every day. Do you go for humor? Irony? Do you play it straight? Mock your coworkers? Defer to Youtube? Attach a jpeg? This is your legacy; you have to make it count.

I remember my days long ago at an unnamed agency. I was a recent Los Angeles transplant, wide eyed and green, trying to figure out the scene. I sat next to the assistant I was replacing (let’s just call her Jane), watching her in her final few minutes on the desk as she planned her goodbye. She was no fuss, no fanfare, and pure genius:

She hit send, grabbed her bag, wished me the best of luck, and walked out the door. Within minutes, her (now my) inbox was flooded with replies, congratulating her making it out alive, and on the quirky brevity of her email. It was there, in my beginning moments at my new job, that I realized the importance of the ending.

Over the course of my year at the agency, I came across a million different types of kiss-offs: yearbook entries (J – remember the morning trips to Coffee Bean? K –I’ll miss our cig breaks in the back alley!), heartfelt missives (I never knew my coworkers would become my family), even a five page film noir screenplay. And, in time, I would read goodbye emails from colleagues at other companies as my network grew. Some were were obnoxious (the nameless assistant boasting about an expense account and an iPhone at his new gig), some were infamous, but the common thread was always: don’t you forget about me.

And how could we forget each other? In my short time in Hollywood, I’ve realized this town is small. And I mean, small. Peripheral friends become future cubemates. Work nemeses follow us from job to job. The guy you met that night at St. Nick’s ultimately becomes the roommate of the kid who works for your boss’ lawyer. There was one particular former coworker whose departure from our hallway was celebrated instead of mourned. When an email went out with forwarding info, the agent next to me demanded his assistant update his contacts. We eyed each other, shocked: WTF? And then the agent taught us a very important lesson: in Hollywood, you just never know. There is no goodbye. Unless you leave the industry entirely. Because then no one cares about you, anyway.

Where: Hallways
Cost: Hours you were supposed to spend "working"

Swingers

2008-05-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Swingers. And no, not those kinds of swingers. I’m talking about the restaurant Swingers. But seriously, you don’t even want to know how many times I’ve Googled “Swingers, Los Angeles” in hopes of finding a menu so I could make a to go order. I don’t suggest that. Really creepy things come up. Who knew LA had such a bustling underground sex community? (or maybe I’m just naïve). But in my opinion, Swingers Diner (its official name) is so much better than some weird sex fetish.

Swingers is awesome. It’s as if you took an old ‘60’s diner and dyed its hair black, dressed it in a vest and made it listen to The Hold Steady. Swingers is a hipster diner, if that makes any sense. But like Malo, it’s totally accepting to all us non-hipsters. It’s cheap and delicious. Each and every time when I get the bill there I am amazed by just how inexpensive this place is. If you spend more than $14 you definitely ordered too much or got something like the steak and eggs (and really, who gets steak at a hipster diner?).

I have an unhealthy obsession with grilled cheese. I used to spend sleepless nights in bed worrying about what age was too old to keep ordering grilled cheeses in restaurants. I thought I was going to have to be weaned off grilled cheese like a kid with their bottle. Luckily, Swingers makes it totally cool for anyone of any age to order grilled cheese. They even have their own “adult” grilled cheese: the stuffed grilled cheese. It’s heavenly and not your typical GC. The stuffed grilled cheese consists of two slices of sourdough bread, cheddar cheese, grilled onions, a tomato and omg, avocado. It’s to die for. I’ve brought friends from out of town here just to get this. They’ve never been the same. They often call me and ask me if shipping a SGC to them would be sanitary and if I thought it would arrive safely. My friends have even tried to replicate it at home in their own kitchens. It’s seriously just that good.

Swingers is also amazing because it's open until 4am. Nothing beats Swingers after a long night of drinking (probably at St. Nick's). Onion rings, a tuna melt, seriously yum. It's also a great place to run into peripheral friends and maybe even meet some new ones. Nothing says bonding like drinking a hardcore soy shake (with peanut butter) and eating a turkey burger at 3 o'clock in the morning. And that's why I'd take this Swingers over sex with multiple partners any day (well, maybe).

WHERE: 8020 Beverly Blvd, LA, CA 90048 AND for our Westside friends 802 Broadway, Santa Monica, CA 90401
COST: $6 for a burger. Seriously.

The Happy Ending

2008-05-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like The Happy Ending. I’m taking one for the team today, dear readers, because I’m not really a big fan of Happy Ending. In fact, I loathe and abhor going there. I’ve been know to utter the words “I’d rather stab a fork in my eye than go to Happy Ending tonight.” However, recently it has come to our attention that sometimes the things we write about aren’t necessarily things only Hollywood Assistants like. One friend of ours said we could alternately title this blog “Stuff Gay Men Like”. Another friend, who lives the mirror image of my life working on the Hill in DC, suggested that we re-title it “Stuff Young, Poor, Urban Professionals Like”. So today I’m bringing you something that is singularly Hollywood, and (as far as I can tell) mostly frequented by Assistants. So in the interest of maintaining our positive vibe, I will try to limit myself to only speaking on the highlights of this place.

Happy Ending is a bar located in a somewhat iffy stretch of Sunset. It’s way far east from the glamorous (?) places on the Strip. And it’s far west of the chill places in Los Feliz/Silverlake. Its closest neighbor is The Woods on La Brea, of which I am a huge fan (and not only because it smells of cedar. But more on that later). Happy Ending’s general atmosphere is that of a TGI Friday’s mixed with a party at the dirtiest Frat in college. On the weekends there’s a DJ spinning all the tunes they played at your high school prom. There’s a giant wheel of fortune that dictates what the drink specials for the hour will be, as well as a game in the back where you can try to capture a live lobster. Kitschy, yes, but kind of fun. It’s dive-y, but not chill dive-y in the vein of St. Nick’s. It’s more cheesy dive-y. It’s kind of the nightlife equivalent of going to Chili’s for dinner. There’s nothing especially original about it, but there’s something familiar that keeps drawing you back time and time again.

Probably the best part of Happy Ending is that they’ve jumped on the fishbowl-as-drinking-apparatus bandwagon. You and your friends can share fruity, neon colored cocktails straight out of a large beach pail. In my experience, these things tend to be lethal and you will be drunk in 10 minutes. Also be sure to check your friends for any infectious diseases before dipping your straw in the communal glass. Because contrary to popular belief, alcohol won’t kill those strep throat germs that have been breeding inside your drinking buddy’s body.

Happy Ending also has Dirty Photo Hunt, probably one of my favorite bar activities and one of the best ways to kill time when your friend refuses to leave because she's chatting with the cute dude from MP Lit. Last time I checked, my friends and I held the high score. And they have valet right out front that’s only like $5! Everyone likes easy parking, and in this part of town $5 valet is a steal.

Okay, so maybe really Happy Ending isn’t that awful. It’s a good place to hold a birthday party because there will never be a line, your guy friends will have no problem getting in, and there are always plenty of tables for you to grab and make the home base for your celebration. Kind of like when you used to have your birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese and they decorated a booth that was just for you! How much more special can you get?

WHERE: 7038 W Sunset Blvd., Hollywood
COST: $22 for a The Full Service fishbowl (Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, black raspberry liqueur, orange, pineapple, and cranberry juice topped with Bacardi 151)

Holiday Gifts

2008-05-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

Hollywood assistants like holiday gifts. Ahh, the holiday season. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year, especially in Hollywood. And it’s doubly special if you work in any sector of the industry where you service clients. Christmas is the time where you make up some of the dignity you lost over the last twelve months. And what better pride-restorer is there than material possessions? Sometime after Thanksgiving, messengers start dropping off beautifully wrapped gifts in the mailrooms around town, and it’s official: the gift-giving season has begun.

Now, we’re not saying that Christmas gifts are limited only to assistants of agents/managers/lawyers/publicists. It’s not unheard of that development or producer’s assistants will get a gift here or there to thank them for their hard work. Once upon a time, nearly every assistant in town could count on at least one or two gifts from the big agencies. (Awesome: iTunes gift cards. Not awesome: mini digital camera that broke after 10 minutes.) Or there are always crew gifts if you’re working on something that’s currently in production. Even if you’re not crazy about that bomber jacket with your show’s name embroidered on your back, one of your family members back home will probably love it. And that’s one less present that you have to buy!

But when you have clients, there’s a whole world of opportunity that opens. You spend your days wondering whether the mail cart is going to stop at your desk and if that big basket with a bow on it is intended for you. Most likely, its not, but hey – there’s always hope. Usually the bosses get the big boxes and baskets – assorted fruits and cheeses from Larchmont Wine and Cheese, frames and miscellaneous glass sculptures from Tiffany’s, coffee table books from Taschen. Assistant gifts tend to be of the flat variety. Most disappointing is when you get an envelope that feels thick and open it up only to see the dreaded words, “A donation has been made in your name to…” Okay, I might be going to hell, but I think it’s impossible not to feel let down by a charity donation. You feel a thick envelope and think you’re getting a nice wad of cash and instead you come to find that Tree People will be planting in your name all year long.

But you get redeemed, because the next envelope contains a check or, even better, a gift certificate. Gift certificates are awesome because they grant you the freedom to make reckless purchases on someone else’s dime. At this point in my life, I would never spend $100 for a massage at Burke Williams. But thanks to Christmases past, I now can – twice! Westfield gift cards have given me free reign to buy out entire sections of Sephora. Why yes, I will take both the eye shadow primer and the Borghese skin softening gloves! And iTunes cards allow me to watch all the crappy TV I want on those long cross-country plane rides home for our two week Christmas vacations.

So while you’re slogging through these long summer months and dying of boredom while all the execs are off on their summer vacays, remember the payoff you’ll get in December. Because unless the SAG strike happens and everyone is forced to tighten their belts yet again, I’m thinking it’s going to be a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Hanukkah for us all.

WHERE: Cubicle inboxes all over town
COST: What do you care? (Unless you plan to pawn your gifts for cash.)

Reply All

2008-05-16T16:29:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Reply All. Sometimes our days can be pretty lackluster. There’s only so many times you can refresh Perez Hilton or look at people you went to high school’s wedding photos on Facebook (um, yeah that’s depressing). However, on these days there’s always something you can do to make your day go a lot faster: start an email chain and Reply All.

Nothing gets me more energized than when I see an e-mail in my inbox addressed to a group of people. I know this can only lead to one thing: Reply All. Whether it be “Who Wants to See the Sex and the City Movie on Opening Night?” with everyone on the chain Replying All with an “Obviously! I’m so Carrie!” Or the e-mail with the subject “Dinner Party!!” and everyone Replies All with an “I’ll bring the pasta” or an “I can’t cook! Count me in for lots of wine!” I know the fun will last for hours. Even though at that moment I’m Gchatting and IMing with probably everyone on that chain, I cannot wait to see what they have to say. It’s not only amusing but it’s also time consuming. Even if it’s just a “Let’s all go to Barney’s to watch the Lakers game on Saturday,” I can pontificate like no other. I’m a woman of opinions on e-mail chains and like Evites, it’s always nice to have your voice heard.

Sure, it sucks if the day your friends decide to start an e-mail chain is the day your boss is sending out a spec to all the studios or it’s the day you have to track down some obscure Norweigan film for your boss who is meeting with the director of said Norweigan film in three hours. That truly sucks because the last thing you want is your inbox being flooded with email upon email with the subject line of: “Where Should We Get Crunked Tonight?” Though it is fun to be able to come back to it when the chaos has ended and see how ridiculous all your friends are. Who knew there could be 75 exchanges about whether or not to see Indiana Jones at the Grove or at the Arclight?

The worst is dead silence. Occasionally a friend will send out an e-mail and it’s just cricket, cricket. That’s when you know none of your friends are into what you just sent. It’s the e-mail equivalent of a “no, thank you.” No one ever mentions it again and it’s like it never even happened. But really, don’t take offense that none of your friends want to see Cabaret on the big screen or are interested in going to a street fair in Pasadena. They probably just want to see the Sex and the City movie on opening night and drink pitchers at Barney’s.

WHERE: Gmail, Outlook, Yahoo, Hotmail, AOL
COST: Your valuable(?) time

Dividing the Bill

2008-05-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like dividing the check. It’s no secret that we Hollywood assistants love to go out to dinner. What’s better than hanging out with a big group of friends while eating a nice meal, drinking a few bottles of wine, gossiping about our love lives and putting dibs on the hot waiter? It’s a guaranteed good time and all fun and games. Well, that is until the bill comes.

I cannot wait for the day to come when the check arrives and I slide my AmEx across the table and say, “I got this one.” But until that day comes, my friends and I will be splitting the check, or rather dividing it. This is no easy task, obviously. In this day and age carrying around cash is like writing a letter by hand or calling someone from a landline. It's straight up outdated. Debit cards and credit cards are just much easier to use. Besides, Hollywood assistants like debt (but that’s for a whole different entry). So when that bill comes we take out our Blackberries and start using the calculator to figure out what each of us owe (this sometimes prove to be a difficult challenge after a few mojitos). Of course, splitting the check evenly would just be too simple and painless. Plus there’s always that one fellow diner who only ordered an appetizer and a water and thus shouldn’t have to pay the same as someone (like me) who ordered say the sweet potato fries, filet mignon, and three glasses of Chablis. Once we figure out who owes what we ask the most organized friend at the table for a pen (because really, who else carries around a pen besides someone extremely responsible?). We then write our names on the back with the amount we each need to pay. I always suggest putting last names down because I’ve learned waiters aren’t very good with nicknames. They’ll often come back to the table and say something like, “so wait, Jen is actually Jennifer, right?” I’m sure they can mess up last names too but at least it’s not for lack of trying.

Dividing a bill can be quite a headache. It makes me yearn for the time when we’re all rich enough (or have expense accounts) to just offer up to pay for the whole dinner. And luckily, I’m an optimist and I know that time will one day come. But for now we’re obliged to do the math and divide the check. But really it’s okay. It’s just the price you pay for going out to a good dinner with even better friends and I for one think it’s most definitely worth it.

WHERE: Any of the fine dining establishments in LA (go to http://www.yelp.com to find a place that meets your needs)
COST: Depends on whether you're the overpaying friend or the cheap friend

Peripheral Friends

2008-05-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

Hollywood assistants like peripheral friends. Being young, unmarried, and living away from your family, it’s only natural that you come to rely heavily on your friends for emotional and social support. Assistants often fall into urban family situations, where you spend your free time with generally the same group of people. Think of it as your own personal Entourage, but with less scantily-clad blonde girls hanging around and certainly no pimp mansions in the Hills. These are the people you commiserate with all day over IM about the minor crises of your life. They’re the ones who host you at their apartments for Game Night or to watch the latest episode of The Office. And they’re the people who let you crash on their couch on the weekend when they know that you probably shouldn’t drive yourself home. (Okay, so maybe you spend a teensy bit too much time at their house…)

But sometimes, your urban family is busy. Or maybe you’re looking to expand your horizons a bit and bring some new blood into that group of people going with you to El Guapo on Friday night. And that’s where your peripheral friends come in. Peripheral friends are people you see socially, who you think are fun, but who you don’t know especially well. They’re entertaining and they usually put on a good show. They’re friends of friends, or friends of friends of friends. And sometimes you honestly can’t remember how you know them. There’s a level of mystery inherent in the peripheral friend. Usually you know their name, where they went to school, and where they work… but beyond that, it gets a little foggy.

Peripheral friends are the non-sexual equivalent to friends with benefits. There’s no commitment, so if you don’t see them for a few months no one gets their feelings hurt. You don’t need to call them to check up on them during the week. In fact, calling is frowned upon. Even IM’s are usually frowned upon in most peripheral friendships. However, an 11:00 pm text on a Friday night that says “Where R U? Want to come hang?” is always welcome.

Like most relationships, peripheral friendships often have a life cycle. Sometimes you’ll just stop hearing from your peripheral friend, and you’ve got to learn to be okay with that. Usually it’s not anything personal. They’ve probably just moved onto greener pastures. Or dropped their cell phone in the toilet at Three of Clubs and lost your number. Resist the urge to go all Fatal Attraction on them. Because in a town this small, word of your “crazy” reputation will spread faster than an outbreak of herpes on ROCK OF LOVE.

WHERE: Usually living at least 4 miles from you. Because if they lived in a convenient location, you’d be full-fledged friends.
COST: $4.99/month additional on your cell phone bill for text messages

Ikea

2008-05-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Ikea. Household furniture is way expensive. Even supposed discount furniture is costly. A friend of mine once went into Design Within Reach on Beverly because hello, it’s called Design Within Reach. However, the store name is actually just trying to be ironic or flat out mean, I’m not sure. The furniture there is most definitely not within reach for a Hollywood Assistant. But you know where furniture is within reach for us? Ikea.

Ikea is cheap. Where else can you get a sofa for less than $400? Or a bed for less than $150? And the stuff is actually cute. Sure, it might be hard to put together and if you do a bad job assembling it all your furniture might not have a very long life. But who cares? The place is a Mecca for us Hollywood Assistants in search of cheap and easy furniture to decorate our rentals in the Fairfax district, which let's face it aren't that nice to begin with.
Putting Ikea stuff together is a bitch. One minor slip in the directions and you’re screwed. I once watched an episode of the Amazing Race where the detour was either count over 700 tiny stuffed animals or put together an Ikea dresser. For me, counting over 700 tiny stuffed animals would definitely lead me to a million dollars quicker. But that’s not to say putting Ikea stuff together is impossible. What you need is a lot of space to lay everything out, a positive attitude and maybe a Xanax. Assembling the parts of a piece of Ikea furniture is like a mind game. Sometimes it will get the best of you and you’ll decide it’s easier to just throw the whole thing away (which I’ve definitely been guilty of). Though once you do put it all together you’ll not only have won the game but you’ll also have a totally cute coffee table to put tons of scripts, magazines, junk mail, Lean Cuisines and your feet on.

Sure, all of us Hollywood Assistants might have the exact same media cabinets in our living rooms or our book stands are wobbly or our dresser drawers only open half way, but who really cares? That’s what this time in our life is all about: cheap furniture, Toyota Corollas and frozen yogurt for dinner. One day we’ll move on up and be able to afford the good stuff. But for now, we’ll spend our money on the important things: alcohol.

WHERE: 600 N. San Fernando Blvd., Burbank CA 91502 or http://www.ikea.com
COST: Cheap as hell

House Parties

2008-05-13T15:40:00.000-07:00

Hollywood assistants love house parties. Part of the learning curve of being an assistant involves figuring out how to get ahead by playing the game. I hate hate hate using the word networking, but there’s truth to the idea that the more people you know, the better off you are in this town. So you (oftentimes begrudgingly) take lunches, do drinks, and go to “assistants-only screenings” with the goal of meeting people who might prove to be useful to you down the road. (Ugh… it makes me feel dirty and smarmy to even type this.) These occasions are more often than not incredibly awkward. I mean, I was in a sorority in college. I did the whole rush thing. So I’m familiar with making small talk with strangers. But there’s only so much you can talk about with a veritable stranger, especially when people so often get offended when you want to talk about work. No, I’m not really that interested in your job. But perhaps it will take us to a common subject.

So that’s where alcohol comes in… and lots of it. I love house parties. I get excited at even just the mention of a keg. It takes me back to the happier, responsibility-free days of college. I’ve made probably 30 times more meaningful connections at house parties than I ever have at any industry-sanctioned event. You mix a captive audience with booze and the outcome is guaranteed to be good. House parties rock for a multitude of reasons:

1) They’re usually cheaper than going out to a bar. You need to play nice and bring at least a bottle of something as an offering to your host. But considering it costs somewhere in the neighborhood of $8 to get a mixed drink at an LA bar these days, that $19.99 handle of Smirnoff (on special at Ralph’s) is a huge bargain.

2) Beer pong. If you are good, this gives you an occasion to take the spotlight for a little while. Especially if you’re honing your skills for the Assistant Beer Pong Tourney. If you are terrible (ahem… like me), you should just stay away. Unless you are a masochist and enjoy being mercilessly mocked.

3) Flip cup. This is a game that’s much more my speed. There’s really no skill involved. And it gives mucho opportunity for team bonding. The connections made at the flip cup table are priceless. It’s always fun to get an email from that assistant you work closely with on Monday morning that says “TEAM STAMOS 4-ever! It was so good hanging out with you on Sat. You’re a flip cup machine!” Makes you feel important and that they now realize you are a human (and not a robot).

4) LA bars close at 2:00. Parties can go on indefinitely… or until the cops show up and give you a noise violation.

5) Usually bars tend to object if you pass out on the banquet and wake up there the next morning. Your best friend throwing the party, however, can’t really give you any crap for crashing at her house. Especially when she figures out that you’ll be around to help clean up in the morning.

6) Thanks to Evites, you have a general idea of what the crowd is going to be like. But there’s also the opportunity for special guest stars. Depending on word of mouth, the most random (and sometimes notable) people often show up at these things. Who knows? You might even get a Defamer Privacywatch sighting out of it.

7) If its your friend’s party, you can control the music. So if you’re in the mood, you can play DJ and force all the partygoers to listen to your special mix of Miley Cyrus and Journey all night long!

So don’t ignore that Evite to Fred from X’s office’s house on Friday night just because you don’t really know him that well. Grab your friends and go! Who knows? Whether it’s a party on N. Orange Grove, or at a friend’s Mom’s house in the Valley, or even at some sketchy Hollywood Hills house you heard about from a friend of a friend, odds are that you’ll have a good time.

WHERE: Random 4-plex in the Beverlygrove area, mansion in the Valley, or house in the Hills.
COST: $19.99 for a handle of Smirnoff (don’t forget to use your Ralph’s Club Card!)

Abbreviations

2008-05-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

Hollywood assistants like to abbreviate. I was going to write this entire article in abbreviations. But then I decided against it, because it is an obnoxious idea and we don’t need to lose any of our 10 precious readers.

But like most assistants, I am a mad abbreviator. I’m not talking your standard AIM/Gchat “J/K – LOL!” exchange. That’s kid stuff. I constantly drop abbrevs into professional emails. I’d like to tell you it’s because I’m too busy to spell things out all the way, but then I would be lying. Mostly it’s because I’m too lazy. I’ll fire off a “Confirmed. Thnx” before you can count to three. Probably close to 75% of my emails start off with “FYI”. And this sentence is probably the first time I’ve spelled out through (vs. thru) in close to 2 years.

My passion for all things shortened, truncated, and condensed is probably rooted in being a member of the AOL generation. I was 11-years-old when I entered my first chat room for “TeEnZ ChAtTiNg!!!!!” and learned how to tell people that their clever quip about Brian from the Backstreet Boys made me roll on the floor laughing my ass off. And while it’s convenient and probably saves a fraction of a second each time I use an abbreviated form of a word, I can’t help but feeling that it’s ultimately contributing to a decrease in my intelligence.

It was a sad, sad day when my AOL/Texting speak made the leap from the digital screen and into the office, and one from which I will probably never recover. My coworker and I now spend most of our days screaming “O. M. G.” at each other over the latest Speidi photos, and talking about how we’re “Totes sure that call is confirmed.”

So I’m going to give you all a piece of advice that I should probably take myself: take the time to spell, speak, and type out the whole word. Save the abbreviations for that drunken text you send to your bootie call on Friday night (the one you think is a good idea at the time… but we all know it’s not). Because one day you will mistakenly say “OMG! That call went totes well! IDK how you do it!” to your boss. And once you’re branded the office Valley Girl, it’s a hard thing to shake.

WHERE: Gchat, AIM, email, text messages, the office, your life
COST: Your intelligence and vocabulary

Tracking Boards

2008-05-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like tracking boards. For the layfolk, tracking boards are listservs, comprised of Hollywood assistants, whose primary purpose is to facilitate the spreading of information. The reasons to like – nay, love – tracking boards are obvious. Immediate access to network ratings, new specs, pilot/series pickups, and casting announcements before they show up in tomorrow’s Hollywood Reporter. There’s nothing more satisfying than being able to present your boss with an elusive script (“Dollhouse? I found it in like, two seconds. And what, Whedon?!”) or insider gossip (“Marc Korman is totally leaving UTA for Endeavor!”). Need to find the best desk drawer maker who works primarily with pinewood and can ship to a remote cabin in Tahoe in 24 hours’ notice? Ask the tracking board. You may not get an answer, but you may discover someone who sympathizes with such an absurd request, thus vindicating the timesuck you’ve found yourself in.

Tracking boards make even the biggest slackers among us appear smart, well connected, and resourceful - which, in turn, brings us one step closer to the elusive thing we're all chasing: a promotion. Of course, if you'd rather jump ship from the chains weighing you down in your current cube, tracking boards are also supremely useful in helping you find the latest UTA list, job opening, or even your replacement.

Like all good things, though, tracking boards can be flawed. When your daily to-do list rivals the Dead Sea Scroll, the last thing your inbox needs is a chain 45 e-mails long dissecting the intricacies of a Youtube video that showcases some British baby named Charlie with a propensity for biting fingers (or, for that matter, someone asking you about a pinewood specialist – how the f*ck do you know?).

Nor do you want to read about someone “graciously” giving up their front row tickets to that sold out concert at the Hollywood Bowl / 8pm dinner reservation at Mozza / VIP access to the premiere party in Westwood. We get it – you have connections, you have a social calendar. Good for you. We don’t need your leftovers. And, let’s be honest: we really don’t care about your “I’m getting laid” announcement thinly veiled as a search for “a great restaurant in West Hollywood for a date.”

So herein lay the secret reason Hollywood assistants like tracking boards - whether it be witty banter, an inside joke, or a self-referential anecdote, we love to give our proverbial two cents, we love to self-promote, and, above all, we love to talk about ourselves. Why else do we have a blog?

WHERE: Hollywood
COST: Your soul.

Barack Obama

2008-05-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

**This post brought to you by a politically-minded Guest Contributor**

Hollywood Assistants like Barack Obama. Why? Well, for one, we’re all young, which means we care about the future, which means that he’s really our only option in the upcoming election. Beyond that exceedingly obvious reason, he also happens to appeal to the Hollywood Assistant by fulfilling several conditions that we look for in our everyday work lives.

First of all, he’s a liberal like we are. You don’t spend $150,000 for college and then decide to work in an industry that openly peddles sex and violence to the public unless you’re a liberal. Now, if you’re a conservative, you’d secretly indulge in the sex and violence and work in an even further depraved industry—politics. So with that in mind, Barack Obama gives us comfort to know that even though he’s in politics, which means he’s probably worse than we think, he poses as a hardcore liberal and will at the very least ensure that our girlfriends can CHOOSE to have an abortion whenever they feel like. A comforting thought, indeed.

Secondly, Barack Obama isn’t white. The majority of people in this industry are white. That’s just a fact. I’m sorry that Hollywood doesn’t participate in Affirmative Action (well, some writing programs do, but those don’t count, since they’re just a way to get around being an assistant), but it’s hard to ignore the fact that the diversity we so desperately seek can really only be found in the form of the Tyler Perry empire. We kinda feel bad that we work in such a white-washed world, so the best way we can prove how much we like diversity is by supporting the black…actually, the African-American presidential candidate. And just to clarify, when I say diversity, I mean RACE, not gender. There’s no need for us to want a crazy and scary female in the White House when there are plenty of them to spare in Hollywood.

Another thing that we like about Barack Obama is that he tries really hard not to talk shit. I mean, it’s fine to call other people out when it’s appropriate. Hell, this blog seems to thrive in doing so. But just like us, when Obama calls out Hillary, he does it because he knows she deserves it. Hillary, on the other, talks mad shit about Obama. All the time. Non-stop. It’s like she’s the too-cool-for-school intern who doesn’t realize the only reason she’s around in the first place is because her boyfriend used to work at the company for a while and put in a good word for her. Obama has managed to class up the entire election process by staying calm and that’s just something we don’t see among the flying coffee mugs and the echoes of expletives being launched in our daily routines.

Lastly, we like Barack Obama because his key philosophies match those of every Hollywood Assistant. Whether it’s our dream to work in show business, our passion to create art or even the desire to make a shitload of money, we’re all in the same boat—we can only hope to achieve that seemingly unattainable goal. The life of a Hollywood Assistant isn’t like that of the characters on Entourage (unless you count Lloyd, but even he seems to be having a better time doing what we do)…just look at this blog, our pleasures are simple and, for the most part, very basic. So when we take a look at who might be the next President, we’re not deciding between keeping our tax breaks intact or making sure that every person in America has health insurance—no, we look for some one who reinforces the one thing we feel slipping away while we sit at our desks, rolling calls: Hope. That’s why Hollywood Assistants like Barack Obama. He makes us believe that you can go from being a “nobody” to making it big. He shows us that despite lacking the experience that others have, you can make things change for the better to succeed. And in the end, he makes us feel comfortable by having us chant the same words we mindlessly use to respond to our bosses when they ask us if it’s possible to get them a four-person reservation at Osteria Mozza that night at 8pm: “Yes We Can.”

WHERE: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500 (hopefully)
COST: $15 minimum donation at http://www.barackobama.com

Runyon Canyon

2008-05-07T10:43:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Runyon Canyon. Growing up in suburbia I spent most of my spare time at the mall and the little activity I did have outdoors was reserved for gym class. Going to college in Boston didn’t lend much outdoors time either. Sure, we’d walk up and down Newbury (with constant stops at stores, Starbucks, brunch spots and the occasional bar – hello, freshman 15), or stumble home drunk in the snow (drunk snow angels in the Common are the best!), but real physical activity outdoors was limited. That all changed once I moved to Los Angeles and was introduced to a little place called Runyon Canyon.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: what LA lacks in culture and architecture it makes up for in scenery. Only in Los Angeles, can you have 7/11 upon 7/11, gas station upon gas station and then tucked in the hills, a big, beautiful canyon to hike in. It’s truly surreal.

Runyon Canyon is a lot like Hollywood. On your first visit you’re in for a rude awakening. I always knew I was out of shape but I didn’t realize just how out of shape I was until I went to Runyon for the first time. And unfortunately for me, the friends I was with thought it’d be best to go up the hard way: meaning up those ridiculously steep steps. Slugging up those steps I thought I was climbing to my death. It was truly hell. As little Pomeranians and Shitz tzus passed me, I truly wanted to turn around and never look back up. But then I realized that if those tiny teacup dogs with legs shorter than one of my fingers could do it then so could I. And I did. Out of breath, flushed, and chugging my water the whole time, but still.

I’ll never go up those steep steps again. But going up the other way is totally cool and actually really good exercise. It’s not like walking on the treadmill with an inclination of 10. It’s better. Not only do you get fresh air (what a concept!), but you also get to see some really ridiculous people (and dogs). From celebrities to crazies to iron men, Runyon is full of a motley group of Los Angelenos. It’s kind of like walking down 3rd Street except you’re on a huge slant overlooking the beautiful landscape of our beloved city (and there’s no possible chance you’ll run into Joan’s for a red velvet cupcake though you should totally stop by there after because seriously you just had a really hard workout and totally deserve it).

WHERE: 200 N. Fuller Ave, LA, CA 90046 (though there are several entrances to the park)
COST: OMG! Free.

Pre-Owned Luxury Vehicles

2008-05-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

Hollywood assistants like face-saving pre-owned luxury vehicles. It’s no secret that LA is a city built upon facades. Outsiders constantly argue that LA values style over substance. I think this is a wee bit of an overstatement. Yes, a certain segment of the greater Los Angeles population embraces the new money philosophy of “If it ain’t got a logo, I don’t want it”. But for the most part, we’re a casual culture. Rarely will you walk down the street and recognize a designer piece of clothing on a person passing you on the sidewalk. And if you do, most likely it’s being worn by some B-list actress who tipped off the paparazzi that day.

But there are two places that LA-ers really like to put their money: cars and real estate. Since admittedly I know nothing about real estate beyond what I’ve learned on Real Estalker, I’ll leave that subject to a later date. The sad fact is that the biggest compliment someone can give you in LA is not “Wow, you’re really talented” or “You have excellent taste in material”. It’s “I really, really love your car.”

Assistants want a just a smidgen of a taste of the good life that their bosses enjoy. So at the first opportunity, many trade in (and trade up?) their 1998 Honda Civic for a 1998 BMW 3 series or something like it. Sure, it’s A/C always seems to go out while driving along Ventura on the hottest day the Valley has seen since 1952. And it doesn’t have a CD player, let alone an iPod jack. All the more opportunity to listen to KCRW! And you can always buy one of those tape adapters that allow you to play your iPod in the car.

But this baby’s got a leather interior and an important symbol on the hood that makes all the valets in town sit up and take notice. Or at least not laugh their asses off at you. You never want to be that guy who pulls up to the valet stand at GOA in a Corolla. Sure it might get much better gas mileage and you’re currently paying $6.75/gallon. But image is everything. Chicks don’t dig you if you drive the same car as their grandma. And future moguls don’t drive anything that wasn’t made in Germany – although I guess we’ll give you a free pass for Japan, but only if it’s a Lexus. So trade up before people start to notice that you drive a Kia. Because we all have that friend who drives the crappiest car. And who wants to be that guy?

WHERE: Carmax, 8611 La Cienega (adjacent to LAX)
COST: $15,995.00

Yogo Tango

2008-05-06T12:03:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants love Yogo Tango. Every city, it seems, has its “thing”. There’s always that one item that you get irrevocably used to and you become so spoiled that when you’re away from home you miss the stupid little things. Growing up, I formed an unhealthy attachment with these:

I have begged and pleaded with anyone I know who travels to the South to overnight me some Waffle House hash browns. No one has come through yet. I have journeyed to far-off concourses in airports just to grab a chicken sandwich during a layover. And true story, I bullied a friend who had a lay over in the ATL airport into getting a Diet Coke from Chik-fil-a. They have the best. tasting. Diet. Coke. EVER. I can’t explain it. It’s like it’s laced with crack.

And of course, being that this is LA, our known-for food has to be trendy and “healthy”. And thus the obsession with fro-yo.

I feel like the whole “natural” frozen yogurt trend peaked about 18 months ago when people would line up around the block for Pinkberry in West Hollywood. Back then I would scoff at waiting 20 minutes for a $5 cup of frozen bacteria & cultures, or whatever yogurt is made of. Instead, I’d zip over to Penguin’s and get the traditional, creamy $2 cup of Dannon’s. But I’ve always been kind of a follower, so eventually I was sucked in. And I went to the Pinkberry’s and the Snowberry’s and the Milano Freezer’s and they were all well and good. But pure frozen yogurt nirvana happened when I stumbled upon Yogotango.

First, Yogotango is different from its granddaddy Pinkberry in that it offers healthy selection of tart yogurt flavors beyond the standard original and green tea. Personally I like the peach and the vanilla. The more adventurous among us might develop a taste for the tomato (frankly, I’ll take my tomato soup without a side of cold tartness, thank you very much). But the thing that sets Yogotango apart from most of its counterparts is that you get to add your toppings yourself at a fun little toppings bar. Fruit, chocolate, nuts, the works. You can keep adding toppings until they start falling off your swirl and into the wrong compartment, as I usually do. I make a huge mess. I’m sure the cashiers love me there. And they have mochi!! Mochi is just the best. I’m big on anything gummy. Usually by the time I get up to the register I have an $8 yogurt that weighs in at somewhere around 4 lbs. Yeah, I overdo it sometimes.

Bonus points also for the shop being located in the same strip mall as an Autozone. If you ever find yourself with a headlight out, then you have the perfect excuse to grab some creamy goodness while a nice Autozone employee teaches you how to pop your hood and then proceeds to just replace the whole headlight for you. Because you’re a girl and never learned anything about cars, even though you realize that is totally anti-feminist and you should just buy Auto Maintence for Dummies so you don’t look like a moron when your tires need air or whatever. Not that this has ever happened to me or anything.

So thumbs up to Yogotango for being a user-friendly frozen yogurt store with a touch of originality. Even if your decor is a total rip off of Pinkberry.

WHERE: 1300 N. Highland Ave. (at Fountain), Hollywood

COST: $4-8, depending on how liberal you are with your toppings

SomeEcards.com

2008-05-05T10:45:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like SomeEcards.com. I've never been one to be good with remembering dates. It was hard enough to keep track of major holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, due dates, party dates, etc. etc. back when I only had my own calendar to track. But since entering Hollywood, I've spent my days worrying about scads of other peoples' lives, therefore making my own hopes of remembering things just pointless. All I can say is thank god for Facebook. The helpful birthday feed on the welcome screen has saved my ass on many occasions.

So if, like me, you often have an "oh shit" moment at least once a week when you realize that today or tomorrow is a major birthday/holiday/anniversary of your best friend's nose job and you've neglected to put a card in the mail, SomeECards.com is perfect for you.

SomeEcards combines two of my favorite things: snark and simplicity. Anything that I send out needs to have the appropriate amount of sarcasm and irony to match my overly sarcastic and ironic personality. Hallmark usually just doesn't do it for me. I mean, I'll admit that in certain situations I'll send out a straight-forward ecard. My grandmother LOVES those MushyGushy.com ecards where I paste her head and my head on cartoon bodies and they sing the Golden Girls theme song. She writes back adorable responses where she tells me, "No, THANK YOU for being a friend! XO, Nana". But Nana's not hip and her sense of humor was cultivated sometime in the Roosevelt era (Franklin, not Teddy), so what plays to her doesn't necessarily play to my friends.

SomeEcards has a card for every occasion. This year on her birthday, I sent my mom the card that says "Today’s the Anniversary of You Being Expelled from Your Mother’s Uterus". See, it's funny because I was expelled from HER uterus. It works on so many levels!

I think my siblings especially love it when I send them baby themed cards that express my true feelings towards my nieces and nephews. It’s not that I don’t love them, because I do very much. But they live on the other side of the country, airfare is so expensive, and newborns are boring. They don’t do anything! I like to visit my siblings’ progeny after they’ve learned a couple tricks. Who wants to go to a circus where the elephant just stands in the center ring? No one! You go because you know at some point that elephant is going to balance on one leg on top of a giant ball. When my sister starts to guilt me about coming to see her new baby, I fire off this card:

If that one doesn’t stop the nagging, I have to take it to the next level and send her this one:

Usually that gets her to be quiet for a few weeks. I don’t even have to write text to accompany it. The ecard is straight to the point and delivers my message for me.

I’m eagerly awaiting the day that some fine, upstanding gentleman saves us both a few weeks/months/years of heartache and sends me this one:

So next time you realize that today has some significance to someone somewhat important in your life, send them a little love note from SomeEcards.com. If they know you well enough, they’ll be able to grasp the sentiment beneath the snark.

WHERE: www.SomeEcards.com

COST: FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Evites

2008-05-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Evites. Don’t lie. Whenever you get an e-mail in your inbox saying “So and So Has Sent You an Evite Invitation…” you get extremely excited. It is basic human nature to be happy when you are invited somewhere. It doesn’t even matter what the party is. Anything from a friend’s Birthday party at Red Rock to a Little People, Big World viewing party to one of those creepy club events where you have to get there before 9:30pm and say you know some guy named “Afshan” at the door. It really doesn’t matter what the invite is, you still feel cool to just be included. But really let’s face it. Receiving an Evite is not the best part of the Evite phenomenon. Not even a little bit. The best part of an Evite is the comment you leave with your RSVP. This comment isn’t just your regular comment. It’s one that will make you or break you. Distinguish an average Joe from a Diablo Cody.

In jobs where we mostly answer phones, schedule meetings and do whatever our boss asks of us, we hardly ever have the opportunity to be innovative. Thank God for Evites. These are a time for our creative juices to really come out and be seen. In that little box we could say anything really: “Can’t wait!” or “Going to see Feist at the Greek but will try to come after!” or “Wish I could but the moms in town. Have a drink on me!” Of course, those are valid responses and all, but they’re pretty damn yawn. Come on, people, let’s get original. I want humor, I want depth. This is your time to shine! Are you going to go with the norm or are you going with the inventive and quirky response that will make you the hit of a party that hasn’t even started yet?!

This Hollywood Assistant doesn’t just like Evites. She LOVES Evites. She loves them so much that if Evites were a boy she so would have slept with him on the first date. In fact, she treats Evites like boys she crushes: she stalks them. This entails lots of refreshing the website to see who is the newest RSVPer. And honestly, she judges responses. Sometimes she even finds someone’s response so witty and cute that she wonders who exactly this mysterious and amusing fellow guest might be. Maybe her future husband will be at her cubicle mate’s goodbye drinks! A girl can dream, can’t she? Well, in the meantime you’ll find this Hollywood Assistant refreshing and hoping, thinking and praying for a clever reply to keep her day entertaining.

And don’t even get me started on those who only reply with their name. I hate you. A lot.

WHERE: The World Wide Web
COST: Free!

Village Idiot

2008-05-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

Hollywood assistants like Village Idiot. It’s Friday night and you’ve had a long week. All you want to do is drink a beer (…or 10), eat some good grub, and hang out with your friends. You do not want to put on a pair of heels. You don’t want to shave your legs for that cutsie dress you picked up last weekend at Forever 21. You want to wear jeans and a cute pair of flats (not flip-flops, of course. We’re not slumming it.) So grab your buddies ‘cause we’re going over to Village Idiot.

The first thing you’ll notice upon entering this charming place on Melrose is that the owner, who greets you at the door, is 1) hot and 2) Adrien Grenier’s veritable double, but cleaner and cuter. You’ll smile and giggle a bit as you tell him you’d like a table for 4, and a booth please if he can swing it. He will be polite but ignore your advances. Don’t be offended…. This is par for the course. I think he’s married. Or at least that’s what I tell myself to feel better.

After you settle into a cozy booth by the front window, take the time to survey the crowd. Note how everyone is just slightly older and more affluent than you are. It’s okay – this is a place that inspires aspirations. Think of it as St. Nick’s plus five years and a couple of tax brackets. There are usually fun people hanging out here, so it's a good place to bring out-of-towners who are looking for a celebrity sighting. One time we saw the Peeing Politician from Sex & the City, who is now on Mad Men (a.k.a my favorite show). Happily he didn’t pee on anyone, so everybody won.

I’m a big fan of the food here. If I were ever on Death Row, I would definitely consider ordering a Village Idiot burger as my final meal. I know this probably sounds weird, but the beef melts in your mouth. It is the softest piece of meat you will ever chew. (That's what she said.) Pair it with a glass of green apple cider and a side of brussel sprouts (delicious, not gross, I swear) and I’m in heaven.

Village Idiot is conducive to some heavy drinking, but you never come out of it feeling dirty like you would at some other places. One time we commandeered a booth for four hours and played Color War – white wine vs. red wine. Four bottles later, we were a little worse for the wear. Yeah, I probably could’ve put that $40 towards a more useful cause, such as paying down my credit card debt. But would I have spent my Friday night getting blotto on good wine under the watchful eye of Adrien Grenier’s hot older brother? I think not. I live for the experience man. And so should you. So embrace the (slightly) nicer side of LA and head over to the VI. Tell them I sent you. And ask the owner if he still has my number… because he never called. He must’ve lost it.

WHERE: 7383 Melrose Ave., Los Angeles 90046
COST: About $30 for burger and a couple of beers

Workplace Nemeses

2008-04-30T20:16:00.001-07:00

Hollywood assistants like having workplace nemeses. Now that we're out of the fast-paced, high-stress corporate world, there are really few things that can rankle us during our usually placid days in production & development land. Our office running out of Diet Coke tends to really chap our hides. Or when people call us repeatedly to pitch us really crappy story ideas – how many times do we have to say "We can't take unsolicited submissions?" in one day. But the thing that puts us in the worst mood of all is having to deal with our workplace nemeses.

In speaking with our other assistant friends, we've come to the conclusion that we all have a workplace nemesis. This is usually a person who you must deal with on a regular basis to get the most routine business accomplished, and they usually find a way to screw it up. They become the Newman to your Seinfeld. Hearing their voice on the other end of the phone automatically raises your blood pressure. Seeing an email from them in your inbox makes you grit your teeth. Our friends have had a long line of nemeses over the last couple of years, but one in particular takes the cake.

Like most nemeses, Ultimate Nemesis (from here on out referred to as UN) was an assistant at one of the most powerful entities in town. Don't ask us why the stupidest people tend to work at the most powerful places. It's like trying to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop – the world will never know. UN dealt with people at the highest level of the industry all day long, which makes it all the more unbelievable that UN was so frustratingly dense and bad at their job. Our friend eventually came to the conclusion that UN may actually be a robot, not a human. These are the top 5 reasons why we believe that UN is a robot:

1) UN never answered emails during work hours. Responses always came at the very end of the day or early in the morning. Some may say that UN was too busy during the day to respond. But actually, we think UN's internal computer was set to respond to all emails at a predetermine time each evening and morning.

2) Whenever our friend called UN to ask a question, it never knew the answer… To even the simplest question… even if my friend knew for a fact that this was a piece of information UN would HAVE to know. This is because UN cannot compute human syntax.

3) Even though UN and our friend conversed and emailed for several months, whenever our friend called UN's boss's office for his boss, UN never acknowledged that they "knew" one another. Robots cannot form attachments to humans.

4) UN routinely forgot to get back to our friend on very important issues. He blamed this on a glitch in UN's software. UN's programmers obviously haven't worked out the kinks yet and there are major issues with UN's memory chip.

5) Just like Max Headroom, UN would ask our friend about the same things repeatedly. Even after our friend had already given UN the answer. There is obviously some skip in UN's hard disc. Or perhaps UN's internal computer forgot how to use it's save function. CONTROL-S! CONTROL-S!!!!!

Workplace nemeses are an ever-changing thing. Some fellow assistants will miraculously get their acts together and stop bothering you, thus opening the door for a brand new nemesis. So learn to live with your nemesis and make sure to praise them when they actually do something right. Like puppies, sometimes they just need a Beggin' Strip to learn to roll over. And most importantly, treat your nemesis as you would want to be treated. Because remember: you too are probably someone's workplace nemesis.

WHERE: Your home-away-from-home, the office
COST: $0.99 for a stress-relief ball to firmly grasp when dealing with your nemesis, so that you don't scream at them

Sent from...

2008-04-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

Hollywood assistants like “Sent from…” We’ve seen it all before: Sent from my iPhone, Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T, Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry, Sent via BlackBerry by T-Mobile (please excuse the typos!), and so on. Just seeing those words on an e-mail indicates that you are one of the lucky ones that can read and send e-mail on your mobile device. When someone has that at the bottom of their message it instantly means they have a really important job that makes them a slave to their cell phone. Around the country this would probably mean you were a foolish chump, but in LA this is a sign of status.

It’s true that a lot of people who have BlackBerrys, iPhones and Treos (do people even still have those anymore?) don’t really need to have access to their e-mail 24/7. I mean, who really does? Sure, it’s great to keep up with the latest and greatest if you’re traveling or something. But for the most part, do you need to receive messages on your phone when you’re just sitting on the couch watching Celebrity Fit Club? Or if you’re browsing the sale racks at Anthropologie? Of course not! But if these devices didn’t exist then how would we be able to differentiate between who is cool and who is a total loser?Getting e-mail on your cell phone has tons of advantages (i.e. You can see that someone tagged you in 5 photos on Facebook and immediately get to a computer to make sure the pictures are flattering and do not need to be untagged). However, it also has tons of disadvantages (i.e. YOU ARE REACHABLE 24/7). It’s up to you to weigh the pros and cons.

We, Hollywood Assistants, don’t make that much money. So in order to have a BlackBerry we need to either be fortunate enough to get one from work or forgo some dinners at Swingers to be able to afford it. Unfortunately, not all jobs give BlackBerrys to their employees and Swingers is delicious. That’s why I say “Fake it ‘til you make it!” You want a BlackBerry, you can have a Blackberry. All you need to do is just copy the "Sent from..." message and paste it to all your e-mails. Then, it will look as if you are one of the privileged ones and seriously no one will know the difference. It’s fool proof. I also recommended getting creative. Spice it up a bit. Instead of “Sent from my iPhone” change it to “Sent from my motherfucking iPhone, bitches. Booyah.” In a business that teaches you to lie (sorry, I mean fib the truth) and cheat (but only when it’s necessary), why not start early when you’re still an assistant? And if you’re ever found out it only looks like you’re resourceful. Now that’s something to be praised for.

Sent via my totally cute Pink BlackBerry Pearl by AT&T!!

WHERE: Hollywood (and I'm sure elsewhere but this is Stuff Hollywood Assistants like)
COST: $250 for the device plus a monthly plan or free if your boss wants you accessible Monday-Sunday

Malo

2008-04-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like Malo. And why is that? Because deep down inside, all us Hollywood Assistants desperately wish we were hipsters…and we’re totally not. I’m a firm believer that true hipsters cannot be Hollywood assistants. Sure, you may like Tokyo Police Club and wear black skinny jeans but you’re not a hipster. Of course, hipsters can work in the business, but to be an actual hipster assistant is totally unfeasible. I mean the whole basis of hipster culture is having a ‘fuck you’ attitude to everything. And no offense, making doctor’s appointments for your boss (and sometimes his or her kids!), picking up their dog’s shit, and leaving word thirty times a day does not really fall into that category. A true hipster would have said “fuck you. Pick up your own dog’s shit and try that client on his cell yourself. I’m out” on their very first day on the job. Luckily for us though, there is Malo; where we can all pretend to be of the hipster breed for at least one meal’s worth.

Located in Silver Lake (and please, spare me. Silver Lake is closer to the Grove than Santa Monica by like 15 minutes and like 5 miles), Malo is a hipster Mecca. It’s also one of the best places in LA to come with a big group of friends. Whether you’re sitting in the dimly lit gothic designed indoor dining room or the outside patio with twinkle lights, you’re going to enjoy yourself. The place is loud but not deafening. Full of pretty but modest people. Hipsters may have the connotation of being a bit pompous but Malo is unpretentious. In fact, they’re very welcoming. And that’s something us non-hipster Hollywood assistants can be thankful for.

It wasn’t until my fifth or sixth visit to Malo that a friend finally told me what “Malo” meant (hey, I took French in high school!). At first I was insulted. Bad? Malo is not bad! It’s amazing. But then I realized the name was meant to be ironic. Silly hipsters. And this made me love Malo even more (besides, who wants to go to a restaurant called Bueno?). Malo is far from bad. In fact, it’s delicious. The chips are heaven sent. Really. They’re homemade and incredible. Unlike most Mexican restaurants you do need to purchase your salsa at Malo but do not let this discourage you! Malo is cheap. So having to buy your salsa is not really putting a huge dent in your wallet. Most entrees range from $8 to $16 (and that’s for like lobster). Portions are adequate. But let’s get serious here. The best part of Malo is the mojitos. As a person who enjoys drinking for the sake of getting drunk, I would actually drink a mojito as an actual drink (like a Diet Coke or something). They’re cool, refreshing and luscious. The mojitos are so thirst quenching that I could seriously drink 10 of them (but no one would want to see a Spring Break ’04 flashback).

To bring out your inner hipster you should definitely check out Malo (and make sure you wear your leggings and discuss your recent Coachella experience – “The Cool Kids were great but the Shout Out Louds were unbelievable!”). Dining at Malo will surely be the highlight of your weekend. And then come Monday you’ll slip back into your Banana Republic slacks and start rolling calls like the hapless serf that you are while still dreaming of chips, guacamole and mojitos. Malo has that effect on people because it really is just that bueno.

WHERE: 4326 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90029
COST: Around $30 for mojito, flautas, chips with guacamole and tip!

Little People, Big World

2008-04-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like the Roloffs. Now, this show is now in it's 5th season and we've been through a lot with the Roloffs in 100-ish episodes. So it's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is I love about it and why I keep coming back for more. First of all, the Roloff family just rocks in general. They remind me of my best friend's family from when I was growing up. They, too, had 4 kids who were completely rambunctious, athletic, and always running all over the place. I always kind of felt bad for my BF's mom, because her house was constantly a mess no matter what she did. As soon as she cleaned, the kids would come along and wreck things again. Just like the Roloffs! Amy just can't keep her house clean. But then again, why should she? This family is real, damn it!

The Roloffs are this great all-American family like the one we all wish we had. They take great trips (Knotts Berry Farm!!! The Grand Canyon!!! LPA Conventions!!! <--- That’s Little People of America, for those of you not in the know). They band together in times of need. I mean, I wept with them when Jacob was dragged under their pumpkin launcher and fractured his skull. Literally wept. I cried for 44 minutes straight. And they have a really wacky, sit-com-ish Dad. I love watching Matt come up with his next great scheme. Recently he decided to have a band of teenage hooligans raze a barn so he could get some scrap wood. Does that sound like a great plan to you? Me either. He's like a mad scientist riding around on a Rascal.

**By the way, I think Rascals are so cool and their commercial is probably one of my favorites of all time. But that's probably something for a later entry.

Fun fact, thanks to Google - Matt played an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. I've never seen a Star Wars movie, but now I just might. Oh yeah, and Matt recently beat some pretty bogus DUI charges. Good for you, Matt. However, I still feel the need to post his mug shot.

Amy and Matt have this totally weird dynamic and maybe I just don't get it because my parents are divorced, so I wasn't raised in a house where the parents are supposed to be "partners" or "in love" or even "like" each other. Amy and Matt rarely share affection. In fact, Amy reminds me a lot of a succession of PE teachers I had growing up… if you know what I mean. The most PDA they've ever shown is a kiss on a cheek. Then again, maybe Amy gave birth to his four kids out of her LP sized body and decided, "You know what? I'm done letting you touch me." But this is just pure speculation.

I love the daughter, Molly. In 10 years, she's going to be such a cool woman who I'd want to be friends with. She's so self-assured and comfortable with who she is. She's the one who has most noticeably changed over the course of the series and now she's like this awesome, composed adult. She'll be the pretty girl who doesn't realize she's pretty, and in college she's gonna bag the hot frat guy with a heart of gold and they'll move back to Oregon where they'll have 2.5 beautiful kids (…and maybe one will be little!****) and she'll run a mail-order handbag line that will be wildly successful.

Jake & Zach are great, and I love that they get along so well… blah blah blah. Let's get to the real reason I watch this show. His name is Jeremy, and he makes me feel like a total pedophile.

Jeremy is dreamboat. If I had the chance (and enough alcohol), I guarantee that I'd run my fingers through those luscious curls. And the kid has this hipster-ish fashion sense that is somewhat astounding considering he lives in the sticks of the great Northwest. He rocks the denim man capris like no one's business, and he makes them look good. The best part is that this kid has no idea just how fricken HOT he is. He dates these really generic looking girls, who I'm sure are sweet and all. But if Jer lived 600 miles further south, you know he'd be kickin it with Taylor Momsen or Miley Cyrus or whoever the youngins are lusting after these days. So its like watching a beautiful boy before he realizes how beautiful he is and becomes a total jackass.

…So now I've said my peace on the Roloff clan and probably been just a wee bit too creepy about my love for Jeremy Roloff. But I swear I won't ever try anything with him until he's 18. Unless he starts it… in that case, I can't make any promises.

****Oh, I'm so going to hell because I wrote "2.5 beautiful kids" without even considering that I was writing about a person who has a 1 in 4 chance of having a child with Dwarfism… My bad.

WHERE: TLC (to view on the idiot box), Roloff Farms in Oregon (to ogle in person)
COST: $49.95/month for cable, unknown amounts in fines for sexually assaulting a minor (but only until May 10th, 2008 - Jeremy turns 18 that day!!!!)

Arclight

2008-04-25T17:36:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like the Arclight. One of the main problems with today’s movie theaters is that they are usually found in malls. Now don’t get me wrong, I love malls. I grew up in suburbia and the mall was like my drug of choice all throughout adolescence (who needed beer when you could drink a delicious milkshake at Johnny Rockets?). To this day I still enjoy walking into a mall, smelling that weird mall smell and seeing like a bajillion baby carriages as well as little kids having scary temper tantrums. And while it’s totally fine to deal with that stuff when you just want to buy some flip flops at Old Navy it is the main reason why I don’t want to see a movie at a mall. Sure, it’s like killing two birds with one stone: see the latest Jackie Chan flick and then get your ears pierced at the Icing, but is it really a truly enjoyable experience? Parking alone makes me want to rip my eyes out and turn around and go home and just watch an America’s Next Top Model Marathon. Don’t even get my started on a mall during Christmas time. And that, my friends, is why Hollywood Assistants like the Arclight.

It’s fair to say the Arclight is the nicest movie theater in Los Angeles. I’d even go so far to say the world. And maybe even the galaxy. The Arclight is unlike any other movie going experience. For starters, it has assigned seating! Can you freaking believe that? It’s only taken like one hundred years for movie theaters to realize that you could actually assign seats to people going to see a show (unlike live theater which has had that under control for six hundred years already but whatever). The best part of assigned seating is that if you buy your tickets in advance you can just show up to the theater like two minutes before the movie starts. No hassle, no worries of getting a sore neck or going blind from sitting in the front row. Though if you are too late to the movie they won’t let you in. Which is another reason why I love the Arclight so much. There’s nothing I hate more than having some asshole show up to a movie five minutes late. It’s seriously distracting to me. I stare at them and concentrate of when they're going to go. Are they going to sit near me? Will I have to move? Am I going to miss a pivotal scene and thus be totally lost for the rest of the movie if they walk past me? Ugh, it’s seriously frustrating and makes me totally lose focus. I should be focusing on Cameron Diaz! Not some tardy jerk. But luckily at the Arclight if you show up late then too bad for you. It’s like an airplane. You missed your boarding call, well too bad. The airplane is closed shut and you’re just going to have to go standby for the next one. Suck on that, slow pokes.

Another great thing about the Arclight is the people who work there. Everyone wears a badge with their name printed on it along with their favorite movie. Just the thought of wearing the name of my favorite movie pinned onto my shirt stresses me out and makes me really reevaluate my life. What movie would I put on there? Would I go with a classic? Or some teen comedy that I can recite by heart? Oh, the choices. I’m not going to lie but I totally judge the guy selling me popcorn based on his favorite movie. I like the people who are the most honest best. In my opinion it’s so much cooler to say your favorite movie is Dumb and Dumber rather than The Battleship Potempkin (so pretentious). Another thing I like about the staff is that before each movie one of them comes out and introduces themselves. They give you some information about the film you are about to enjoy (good for those who have gone into the wrong theater!) and tell you they will be standing to the side to make sure that the sound and picture is to the highest standard (like our very own flight attendants!). It's beyond crazy. It's like "seriously? You’re going to do that? Just for us? Wow. Can you get me a pillow while you're at it?" That is first class service if I’ve ever seen it. And it really comes in handy too. Like the time I went to see No Country for Old Men and Fred Claus accidentally began playing. We just called out for our new friend Steve and he fixed it right away. Goodbye Vince, hello Javier!

The Arclight really is one of the greatest places in Los Angeles. Sure, it costs a fortune but it’s worth it. Really, really worth it. The only downfall is after going to the Arclight you get spoiled. This really is a one of a kind movie going experience. The thought of having to go to a theater early and find seats and then worry that some loser is going to stumble in late and you're going to miss the funniest joke of the whole movie is horrifying. And what if god forbid the picture is off and the sound is distorted? Where's Steve when you need him?? I need Steve! So that’s why if I have a choice I’m always going to go to the Arclight. Even if there’s nothing good playing there I’ll still go; that’s how I can explain seeing such movies like Mad Money and Martian Child. Though the 21+ screenings (where you can actually bring alcohol from the bar into the theater) helps with the pain of seeing a really bad movie. And let's face it, one day we hope to see one of our own movies in the Dome at the Arclight. One day, fellow assistants, one day.

WHERE: 6360 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028
COST: $11-$14 based on the day and time (but worth every single penny!)

Golf Carts

2008-04-25T16:57:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like golf carts. There are many advantages to getting a job based at a studio. But for us, one of the greatest parts of working on a lot is the nostalgic feeling it gives us. Going to the lot is not unlike going to college again. You get to hang out on a pretty, manicured campus. And with productions going up all the time, the chances of seeing some attractive eye-candy is much greater than it would be stuck in some stodgy office in Beverly Hills. Yeah, some of your agency’s clients might be hot – but you can only see that guy from that 80's sitcom that you had a crush on when you were 5 so many times before it starts getting old. And the commissary is like the dorm cafeteria – salad bars and frozen yogurt as far as the eye can see.

But the one thing we didn’t have back in the good old days was a golf cart to shuttle us around. We had to walk. Through the rain, through the snow, through the heat. But no longer! One of the great perks of a studio deal is that your office often comes equipped with a handy-dandy golf cart to and fro the far reaches of the lot. Or the not so far reaches. We’re not above taking the cart 300 yards to go grab some coffee. We’re wearing heels after all.

One important thing to remember is to tape a sign to your windshield identifying the show, film, or company you work for. That way, when the tram crammed with German tourists passes by, the guide can helpfully point out who you work for and you can have your picture taken as you smile and wave. It’s probably the closest you’ll ever get to feeling like a star.

WHERE: Burbank, Universal City, Culver City, West LA

COST: $15 for a monthly cart wash (on the company's dime, of course)

St. Nick's

2008-04-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like St. Nick's. I can remember vividly the first time I walked through the doors of St. Nick’s. My life has never been the same. People always say a dive bar is a dive bar, but I truly believe St. Nick’s is different. Sure, it is a dive bar, but it’s also so much more.

My first visit was in June of 2005 and on that night I immediately became friends with the bartenders, danced to ‘80s music, filled my memory card with pictures (mostly self-portraits) and puked in the bathroom. How many places in LA can you say that about? I was new to Los Angeles, still had no job, was living on a friend’s couch and was extremely doe-eyed. While I don’t remember leaving the bar that night, I do remember the morning after and thinking “wow, now that was a fun bar.” And my mind didn’t change after frequenting that bar at least once a week that summer (sometimes Friday night and Saturday night and even some weeknights). I can seriously write a novel about that summer. It was kind of like sleep-away camp. During the day we were all at our activities (i.e. finding jobs and learning to navigate the city) and then at night it was camp social (i.e. intoxicated pleasure at St. Nick’s). It was the best summer ever and St. Nick’s soon became the best bar ever (like our very own St. Elmo’s Fire).

And luckily for us it has continued to be the best bar ever. It’s way cheap, always fun, and totally easy. But what this Hollywood Assistant loves most about St. Nick’s is its familiarity. In this crazy, fast and scary world it’s nice to know that St. Nick’s always stays the same. From weekday work drinks to Friday night gatherings with your closest friends, St. Nick’s remains faithful. You're guaranteed to run into someone here. Whether it be the guy you got low with at the CAA Young Hollywood Party or that assistant from Imagine that you totally flirt with whenever you leave word for their boss ("you better have our number or else I'll have to come to Beverly Hills and give it to you myself, hehe."). It's true, you’re not going to meet Mr. Husband there (and if you did meet your boyfriend there, break up now! He definitely has some sort of VD). St. Nick’s is the kind of place you go if you just want to have a no frills night full of fun and belligerence and maybe some making out (makeouts are fine. You can’t get VD from kissing. Or can you? If so, I’m in trouble). St. Nick’s is like the slutty girl in college. It’s not the best quality but you’re always guaranteed to have a good time if you bring her home (not that I’m the slutty girl or have brought home a slutty girl, but I know enough slutty girls to know this is true).

St. Nick’s has been there for me during the good times and the bad times and I will continue to be a loyal customer until I am too old to drink there (true story: a friend of a friend once went home with a 50 year old lady he picked up here so I think I’m good for another 25 years. Thank god, I couldn’t imagine a St. Nick’s-less life. Would it even be worth living?) But really St. Nick’s is the one of the best bars in LA and a place all Hollywood Assistants have visited at least ten times. I am truly honored to share a zip code with this local watering-hole/Hollywood Assistant base camp. Viva La St. Nick’s!

WHERE: 8450 W. 3rd St., Los Angeles, CA 90048
COST: $10 and under or free if you're friends with Edwin or Marlon

Name Dropping

2008-04-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like to name drop. Within their peer group, dropping names is the currency that lets those around them know how important they are and how far up the ladder they’ve climbed. Namedropping is a complex social institution in this town. There are many levels and each serves a specific purpose. By listening closely and following our color-coded guide, you can learn a lot about the true nature of a name dropper’s connection to a star.

LEVEL GREEN: The Celeb Spy
The most benign, these drops indicates that 1) This person gets out and about and sees notable people and 2) This person is enough in the know to recognize said people and drop them into conversation. This is a harmless drop, although it can become annoying if a person uses such drops constantly to make up for their lack of personality or conversation skills. Level green name drops become especially useful when one is forced to go home over the holidays and has to make conversation with high school friends with whom they no longer have anything in common.

Example: “You guys still watch The Hills? Oh, I see Audrina every morning at Coffee Bean. Girlfriend looks like a chipmunk.”

**Addendum: It is okay to text a friend if you see, say, Drew Lachey and you were both obsessed with 98 Degrees back in 9^th grade. But it is not okay to call someone and say you just saw an American Idol if you don’t watch the show and you know they don’t either. NOBODY CARES.

LEVEL YELLOW: The Work Connection
These drops are most overhead in after-work watering holes, where people who have never met before (except by phone) are attempting to forge a connection with the virtual stranger enjoying a Miller Light across the high-top table from them. When your only connection to a person you’re marooned with is your work, some people will choose to drop a name that might bring them around to a common subject.

Example: “I was on a conference call the other day, and I heard that Rachel’s considering that part in Drew’s next movie. When the call was over, Drew called my boss and said she really, really hopes that Rachel takes the role. I know she’s dying to work with her. Have you guys heard anything in your office?”

LEVEL RED: The Personal Relationship
Occasionally, a notable person will actually learn an assistant’s name. Even more rarely, they might choose to socialize with these people who serve them so faithfully during the day. Why? Your guess is as good as ours. Perhaps they want to maintain their connection to the little people so they’ll have someone to thank in their next acceptance speech. Usually these relationships tend to be one-sided and often fleeting. However, they can provide name dropping fodder for years to come. Due to loyalty to their “friend”, droppers of these names try to make it seem like while they are name dropping, they are doing it begrudgingly.

Example: “I’m really not trying to name drop, I swear. But I was at Seth’s New Years Eve party last year, and he, Jason, and Jonah threw me in the pool. It was so much fun. We killed 8 bottles of Andre between us.”

LEVEL BLACK: The Delusional Jerk
These people are either lying or exaggerating level green or yellow stories to make them much more interesting than they actually are. They consider themselves in a higher caste than the people they hang out with, and they will drop names like its no tomorrow in order to illustrate just how much better they are from you. However, the secret is out: these folks are full of shit.

Example: “Wilmer invited me out the other night, and while we were sitting at his table at Villa, he offered me the last seat on his jet to Cabo next weekend. But I don’t think I’m going to go… I have other plans.”

Name dropping is just a don’t. We all interact with famous people. Hello, that’s why we all got into the entertainment industry in the first place. But that doesn’t mean we need to rub each and every encounter in our loved ones’ faces. Save a really good name drop for a special occasion and just forget all the others. Your friends and family will thank you for it. (Oh, sorry guys, gotta run. Corey Haim just walked into my office..)

WHERE: Every studio, agency, production office, bar, restaurant, etc. in LA
COST: Your integrity

Hollywood Assistants like Stuff.

2008-04-24T17:13:00.001-07:00

Hollywood Assistants like lots of stuff. But unfortunately we can’t afford some stuff. Or rather, we can’t afford the really good stuff. We get by with what we’ve got and take advantage of this town. We don’t have kids, we don’t have spouses, and we don’t have mortgage payments. In fact, we may never have mortgage payments, because given what we make and the housing market in LA, we might be living in a studio off Fairfax until we’re 48. So we get to spend all of our time on ourselves.

Welcome to our world.