One Night Stands

Hollywood Assistants like one night stands. Its 10:30am on a Sunday, and you awake with a pounding headache to the familiar sight of your apartment's lovely 70's-era popcorn ceiling. Except, your popcorn ceiling is more of an ecru color... not off-white. And you don't remember hanging a Scarface poster above your bed. And you're pretty sure that you bought the Hemnes dresser from Ikea, not the Aneboda. Suddenly a fleshy, hairy arm whacks you in the face and you realize.... uh-oh. You've done it again. You drank one too many mojitos, threw caution to the wind, and passionately lunged at the first thing to come at you from the direction of the beer pong tables. That's right. You've gone home with a fellow assistant.

We assistants are human. We have our needs. And like any normal, young, hormonal person, we have itches that sometimes need a good scratching. Our lives aren't exactly conducive to courtship. We work long hours and can barely scrape two nickels together to buy a can of beans for dinner. Grand romantic gestures are out. And forget the stereotypical American life plan of settling down, buying a house, and popping out a couple puppies. We've got our careers to think about and real estate in LA is f-in expensive... not to mention private school tuition. It's going to be YEARS before you're ready for those steps. So instead, when temptation calls and the alcohol hits just right and throws us into that "special mood", we grab onto the closest thing available and ride it down like you'd ride a firefighter down a burning building.

One night stands can be a lot of fun and incredibly fulfilling. But there are just a couple of guidelines you should follow in order to ensure that your one night stand is pleasure, not cringe, inducing.

1. DON'T have one with anyone from work, or anyone you regularly deal with in your work day. Whether it’s your office crush or the studio exec's assistant that you speak with 10 times daily, a one night stand can never truly be contained in one night if they're constantly seeking your attention. Sex is messy (in more ways than one) and if you're dealing frequently with someone you've slept with, then feelings are going to get involved. Or, at the very least, you'll have an ill-timed shag flashback and your boss will demand to know why you're flushed and distracted. Blurring the line between your bedroom and your office is a dangerous thing to do, so approach it with caution.

2. DON'T become a frequent flier in a group of friends. It's very easy to fall in with a group of people you see socially and begin to feel at ease with them. Hell, they all like each other, so why shouldn't you like all of them? And attractive people tend to flock together - that's just a rule of physics. But pick which of them you sleep with very carefully. They'll talk and compare stories, and nobody wants to be the group bicycle. You should only allow 1 of them to take a ride. Okay, maybe 2, but only if they’re both hot. Remember that Hollywood is like high school and stories spread fast. A friend once told me about sitting in on a meeting with a bunch of execs. They were waiting on one (female) exec to show up, and while they bitched and moaned about how long she was taking, one of the guys in the room boasted about how he nailed her 10 years ago. Every other guy in the room then chimed in that they'd nailed her at one point, too. Industry folks might be able to "forget" that Sienna Miller has never had a box office hit, but they will never forget all the people they've heard you screwed. So try not to overlap by having one night stands with people who know one another.

3. DO follow up appropriately. Gents, this is more for you. There's no Miss Manners for one-nighters. You're the best judge of your situation. So if it feels right to you, then by all means offer to take your overnight guest out for a bite of brunch. It doesn't have to be the Ivy, but do her a solid and make it something a step up from the Yukon Mining Company. If you're not feeling the chemistry, then make sure that she gets home safely. You get a gold star if you drive her home yourself. Putting her in a cab is also perfectly acceptable, but always offer her cab fare. Odds are she won't take it (in which case, score! You can afford dinner tonight). Only a true douche kicks a girl to the curb without helping her find the way home. Be sensitive to others’ walk of shame anxiety. You've been there, or you will be there, so it’s a good idea to keep karma on your side.

4. DO use protection. Not to go all high school PE teacher on you, but come on guys... use a condom. Although we agree with sex goddess Tracie "Slut Machine" Egan, who says that if you're getting laid then an STD is kind of an eventuality, it's an eventuality that can at least be put off. And like I mentioned above, Hollywood is like high school. If you're spreading something around, people are going to find out. You don't want to be at El Guapo and overhear someone calling you the "Herpes King", do you? And while it's fairly easy to get rid of many crotch infestations these days, it will require that you go see your doctor for a pill or some cream, and your boss is totally going to dock you a personal day for that. Not to mention that you can't even begin to afford the biggest social disease of them all... a baby. So remember to shrink wrap your member. (A helpful message from your friends at SHAL).

We're not encouraging you to go out and have promiscuous sex. But hey, shit happens, so if you do "do it" don't feel bad about it. Just make sure you're entering the situation in the right frame of mind. Sex is natural, baby, and you know you want it. So relax, lie back, and let the good times roll.

WHERE: Full-size beds with Target sheets all over town.
COST: $17.12 for a box of 36 Trojan condoms on Amazon.