Lifers

Hollywood Assistants like lifers. Career assistants are a staple of any major entertainment powerhouse. Most major “name” execs have one and would be lost without them. Lifers are old school and usually make regular assistants look like lazy schlubs. They have excellent phone manners, can type a pristine letter (and on a typewriter, to boot), and know the correct way to set a meeting. (In case you’re wondering, that would be getting avails from the most powerful person first.)

Lifers can sometimes be a little… how should we put this… cantankerous? Their patience is worn thin due to many years of babysitting people who really should be able to do certain things for themselves. They aren’t ever going to agree to getting drinks with you, and even asking them is a rookie mistake and an automatic red flag that you are greener than the Jolly Green Giant. And they definitely aren’t going to make chit-chat with you. They might shoot the shit with your boss (after all, they’ve been dealing with each other for years) – but they for sure aren’t going to do the same with you. You are interchangeable as far as they’re concerned. They might not even expend the energy to learn your name because they know a new you will be coming along in 12 months.

But lifers are incredible resources and depthless fonts of knowledge. They are walking history books for a company. They can tell you all you need to know about past deals, projects, clients, materials, etc. They know all of the gossip on the execs, so if you ever get in good with one, you can get some really great dirt out of them. And they are well-connected. They’re buddy-buddy with the maitre-d at every major restaurant in town and can help you get a Friday 8:00 reservation for your junior agent boss who wants to impress his current ingénue girlfriend. In addition, the lifer network is expansive, so they’re often the first to hear when a really great desk opens up. If they really like you, they might even make a personal recommendation on your behalf (and trust us, their opinion means a lot.) And best of all, their cabinets are chock full of screeners, so they can be like your own personal Netflix (their boss is a member of the Academy, but is helpless when it comes to technology so he rarely takes the DVDs home).

Lifers can be tough nuts to crack, but getting on their good side can prove to be an invaluable experience for the average Hollywood assistant. They’re like a delicious crab leg dinner at Red Lobster. Sure, it’s a pain in the ass to get through the tough shells and you might even hurt yourself in the process. But once you hit the meat, all your hard work pays off and you can enjoy the fruits of your labor.

WHERE: Outside the really big office… you know the one. It probably has its own bathroom.
COST: Patience and perseverance.