Little People, Big World

Hollywood Assistants like the Roloffs. Now, this show is now in it's 5th season and we've been through a lot with the Roloffs in 100-ish episodes. So it's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is I love about it and why I keep coming back for more. First of all, the Roloff family just rocks in general. They remind me of my best friend's family from when I was growing up. They, too, had 4 kids who were completely rambunctious, athletic, and always running all over the place. I always kind of felt bad for my BF's mom, because her house was constantly a mess no matter what she did. As soon as she cleaned, the kids would come along and wreck things again. Just like the Roloffs! Amy just can't keep her house clean. But then again, why should she? This family is real, damn it!

The Roloffs are this great all-American family like the one we all wish we had. They take great trips (Knotts Berry Farm!!! The Grand Canyon!!! LPA Conventions!!! <--- That’s Little People of America, for those of you not in the know). They band together in times of need. I mean, I wept with them when Jacob was dragged under their pumpkin launcher and fractured his skull. Literally wept. I cried for 44 minutes straight. And they have a really wacky, sit-com-ish Dad. I love watching Matt come up with his next great scheme. Recently he decided to have a band of teenage hooligans raze a barn so he could get some scrap wood. Does that sound like a great plan to you? Me either. He's like a mad scientist riding around on a Rascal.

**By the way, I think Rascals are so cool and their commercial is probably one of my favorites of all time. But that's probably something for a later entry.

Fun fact, thanks to Google - Matt played an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. I've never seen a Star Wars movie, but now I just might. Oh yeah, and Matt recently beat some pretty bogus DUI charges. Good for you, Matt. However, I still feel the need to post his mug shot.

Amy and Matt have this totally weird dynamic and maybe I just don't get it because my parents are divorced, so I wasn't raised in a house where the parents are supposed to be "partners" or "in love" or even "like" each other. Amy and Matt rarely share affection. In fact, Amy reminds me a lot of a succession of PE teachers I had growing up… if you know what I mean. The most PDA they've ever shown is a kiss on a cheek. Then again, maybe Amy gave birth to his four kids out of her LP sized body and decided, "You know what? I'm done letting you touch me." But this is just pure speculation.

I love the daughter, Molly. In 10 years, she's going to be such a cool woman who I'd want to be friends with. She's so self-assured and comfortable with who she is. She's the one who has most noticeably changed over the course of the series and now she's like this awesome, composed adult. She'll be the pretty girl who doesn't realize she's pretty, and in college she's gonna bag the hot frat guy with a heart of gold and they'll move back to Oregon where they'll have 2.5 beautiful kids (…and maybe one will be little!****) and she'll run a mail-order handbag line that will be wildly successful.

Jake & Zach are great, and I love that they get along so well… blah blah blah. Let's get to the real reason I watch this show. His name is Jeremy, and he makes me feel like a total pedophile.

Jeremy is dreamboat. If I had the chance (and enough alcohol), I guarantee that I'd run my fingers through those luscious curls. And the kid has this hipster-ish fashion sense that is somewhat astounding considering he lives in the sticks of the great Northwest. He rocks the denim man capris like no one's business, and he makes them look good. The best part is that this kid has no idea just how fricken HOT he is. He dates these really generic looking girls, who I'm sure are sweet and all. But if Jer lived 600 miles further south, you know he'd be kickin it with Taylor Momsen or Miley Cyrus or whoever the youngins are lusting after these days. So its like watching a beautiful boy before he realizes how beautiful he is and becomes a total jackass.

…So now I've said my peace on the Roloff clan and probably been just a wee bit too creepy about my love for Jeremy Roloff. But I swear I won't ever try anything with him until he's 18. Unless he starts it… in that case, I can't make any promises.

****Oh, I'm so going to hell because I wrote "2.5 beautiful kids" without even considering that I was writing about a person who has a 1 in 4 chance of having a child with Dwarfism… My bad.

WHERE: TLC (to view on the idiot box), Roloff Farms in Oregon (to ogle in person)
COST: $49.95/month for cable, unknown amounts in fines for sexually assaulting a minor (but only until May 10th, 2008 - Jeremy turns 18 that day!!!!)