Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Workplace Nemeses

Hollywood assistants like having workplace nemeses. Now that we're out of the fast-paced, high-stress corporate world, there are really few things that can rankle us during our usually placid days in production & development land. Our office running out of Diet Coke tends to really chap our hides. Or when people call us repeatedly to pitch us really crappy story ideas – how many times do we have to say "We can't take unsolicited submissions?" in one day. But the thing that puts us in the worst mood of all is having to deal with our workplace nemeses.

In speaking with our other assistant friends, we've come to the conclusion that we all have a workplace nemesis. This is usually a person who you must deal with on a regular basis to get the most routine business accomplished, and they usually find a way to screw it up. They become the Newman to your Seinfeld. Hearing their voice on the other end of the phone automatically raises your blood pressure. Seeing an email from them in your inbox makes you grit your teeth. Our friends have had a long line of nemeses over the last couple of years, but one in particular takes the cake.

Like most nemeses, Ultimate Nemesis (from here on out referred to as UN) was an assistant at one of the most powerful entities in town. Don't ask us why the stupidest people tend to work at the most powerful places. It's like trying to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop – the world will never know. UN dealt with people at the highest level of the industry all day long, which makes it all the more unbelievable that UN was so frustratingly dense and bad at their job. Our friend eventually came to the conclusion that UN may actually be a robot, not a human. These are the top 5 reasons why we believe that UN is a robot:

1) UN never answered emails during work hours. Responses always came at the very end of the day or early in the morning. Some may say that UN was too busy during the day to respond. But actually, we think UN's internal computer was set to respond to all emails at a predetermine time each evening and morning.

2) Whenever our friend called UN to ask a question, it never knew the answer… To even the simplest question… even if my friend knew for a fact that this was a piece of information UN would HAVE to know. This is because UN cannot compute human syntax.

3) Even though UN and our friend conversed and emailed for several months, whenever our friend called UN's boss's office for his boss, UN never acknowledged that they "knew" one another. Robots cannot form attachments to humans.

4) UN routinely forgot to get back to our friend on very important issues. He blamed this on a glitch in UN's software. UN's programmers obviously haven't worked out the kinks yet and there are major issues with UN's memory chip.

5) Just like Max Headroom, UN would ask our friend about the same things repeatedly. Even after our friend had already given UN the answer. There is obviously some skip in UN's hard disc. Or perhaps UN's internal computer forgot how to use it's save function. CONTROL-S! CONTROL-S!!!!!

Workplace nemeses are an ever-changing thing. Some fellow assistants will miraculously get their acts together and stop bothering you, thus opening the door for a brand new nemesis. So learn to live with your nemesis and make sure to praise them when they actually do something right. Like puppies, sometimes they just need a Beggin' Strip to learn to roll over. And most importantly, treat your nemesis as you would want to be treated. Because remember: you too are probably someone's workplace nemesis.

WHERE: Your home-away-from-home, the office
COST: $0.99 for a stress-relief ball to firmly grasp when dealing with your nemesis, so that you don't scream at them

Sent from...

Hollywood assistants like “Sent from…” We’ve seen it all before: Sent from my iPhone, Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T, Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry, Sent via BlackBerry by T-Mobile (please excuse the typos!), and so on. Just seeing those words on an e-mail indicates that you are one of the lucky ones that can read and send e-mail on your mobile device. When someone has that at the bottom of their message it instantly means they have a really important job that makes them a slave to their cell phone. Around the country this would probably mean you were a foolish chump, but in LA this is a sign of status.

It’s true that a lot of people who have BlackBerrys, iPhones and Treos (do people even still have those anymore?) don’t really need to have access to their e-mail 24/7. I mean, who really does? Sure, it’s great to keep up with the latest and greatest if you’re traveling or something. But for the most part, do you need to receive messages on your phone when you’re just sitting on the couch watching Celebrity Fit Club? Or if you’re browsing the sale racks at Anthropologie? Of course not! But if these devices didn’t exist then how would we be able to differentiate between who is cool and who is a total loser?Getting e-mail on your cell phone has tons of advantages (i.e. You can see that someone tagged you in 5 photos on Facebook and immediately get to a computer to make sure the pictures are flattering and do not need to be untagged). However, it also has tons of disadvantages (i.e. YOU ARE REACHABLE 24/7). It’s up to you to weigh the pros and cons.

We, Hollywood Assistants, don’t make that much money. So in order to have a BlackBerry we need to either be fortunate enough to get one from work or forgo some dinners at Swingers to be able to afford it. Unfortunately, not all jobs give BlackBerrys to their employees and Swingers is delicious. That’s why I say “Fake it ‘til you make it!” You want a BlackBerry, you can have a Blackberry. All you need to do is just copy the "Sent from..." message and paste it to all your e-mails. Then, it will look as if you are one of the privileged ones and seriously no one will know the difference. It’s fool proof. I also recommended getting creative. Spice it up a bit. Instead of “Sent from my iPhone” change it to “Sent from my motherfucking iPhone, bitches. Booyah.” In a business that teaches you to lie (sorry, I mean fib the truth) and cheat (but only when it’s necessary), why not start early when you’re still an assistant? And if you’re ever found out it only looks like you’re resourceful. Now that’s something to be praised for.

Sent via my totally cute Pink BlackBerry Pearl by AT&T!!

WHERE: Hollywood (and I'm sure elsewhere but this is Stuff Hollywood Assistants like)
COST: $250 for the device plus a monthly plan or free if your boss wants you accessible Monday-Sunday


Hollywood Assistants like Malo. And why is that? Because deep down inside, all us Hollywood Assistants desperately wish we were hipsters…and we’re totally not. I’m a firm believer that true hipsters cannot be Hollywood assistants. Sure, you may like Tokyo Police Club and wear black skinny jeans but you’re not a hipster. Of course, hipsters can work in the business, but to be an actual hipster assistant is totally unfeasible. I mean the whole basis of hipster culture is having a ‘fuck you’ attitude to everything. And no offense, making doctor’s appointments for your boss (and sometimes his or her kids!), picking up their dog’s shit, and leaving word thirty times a day does not really fall into that category. A true hipster would have said “fuck you. Pick up your own dog’s shit and try that client on his cell yourself. I’m out” on their very first day on the job. Luckily for us though, there is Malo; where we can all pretend to be of the hipster breed for at least one meal’s worth.

Located in Silver Lake (and please, spare me. Silver Lake is closer to the Grove than Santa Monica by like 15 minutes and like 5 miles), Malo is a hipster Mecca. It’s also one of the best places in LA to come with a big group of friends. Whether you’re sitting in the dimly lit gothic designed indoor dining room or the outside patio with twinkle lights, you’re going to enjoy yourself. The place is loud but not deafening. Full of pretty but modest people. Hipsters may have the connotation of being a bit pompous but Malo is unpretentious. In fact, they’re very welcoming. And that’s something us non-hipster Hollywood assistants can be thankful for.

It wasn’t until my fifth or sixth visit to Malo that a friend finally told me what “Malo” meant (hey, I took French in high school!). At first I was insulted. Bad? Malo is not bad! It’s amazing. But then I realized the name was meant to be ironic. Silly hipsters. And this made me love Malo even more (besides, who wants to go to a restaurant called Bueno?). Malo is far from bad. In fact, it’s delicious. The chips are heaven sent. Really. They’re homemade and incredible. Unlike most Mexican restaurants you do need to purchase your salsa at Malo but do not let this discourage you! Malo is cheap. So having to buy your salsa is not really putting a huge dent in your wallet. Most entrees range from $8 to $16 (and that’s for like lobster). Portions are adequate. But let’s get serious here. The best part of Malo is the mojitos. As a person who enjoys drinking for the sake of getting drunk, I would actually drink a mojito as an actual drink (like a Diet Coke or something). They’re cool, refreshing and luscious. The mojitos are so thirst quenching that I could seriously drink 10 of them (but no one would want to see a Spring Break ’04 flashback).

To bring out your inner hipster you should definitely check out Malo (and make sure you wear your leggings and discuss your recent Coachella experience – “The Cool Kids were great but the Shout Out Louds were unbelievable!”). Dining at Malo will surely be the highlight of your weekend. And then come Monday you’ll slip back into your Banana Republic slacks and start rolling calls like the hapless serf that you are while still dreaming of chips, guacamole and mojitos. Malo has that effect on people because it really is just that bueno.

WHERE: 4326 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90029
COST: Around $30 for mojito, flautas, chips with guacamole and tip!

Monday, April 28, 2008

Little People, Big World

Hollywood Assistants like the Roloffs. Now, this show is now in it's 5th season and we've been through a lot with the Roloffs in 100-ish episodes. So it's hard to pinpoint exactly what it is I love about it and why I keep coming back for more. First of all, the Roloff family just rocks in general. They remind me of my best friend's family from when I was growing up. They, too, had 4 kids who were completely rambunctious, athletic, and always running all over the place. I always kind of felt bad for my BF's mom, because her house was constantly a mess no matter what she did. As soon as she cleaned, the kids would come along and wreck things again. Just like the Roloffs! Amy just can't keep her house clean. But then again, why should she? This family is real, damn it!

The Roloffs are this great all-American family like the one we all wish we had. They take great trips (Knotts Berry Farm!!! The Grand Canyon!!! LPA Conventions!!! <--- That’s Little People of America, for those of you not in the know). They band together in times of need. I mean, I wept with them when Jacob was dragged under their pumpkin launcher and fractured his skull. Literally wept. I cried for 44 minutes straight. And they have a really wacky, sit-com-ish Dad. I love watching Matt come up with his next great scheme. Recently he decided to have a band of teenage hooligans raze a barn so he could get some scrap wood. Does that sound like a great plan to you? Me either. He's like a mad scientist riding around on a Rascal.

**By the way, I think Rascals are so cool and their commercial is probably one of my favorites of all time. But that's probably something for a later entry.

Fun fact, thanks to Google - Matt played an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. I've never seen a Star Wars movie, but now I just might. Oh yeah, and Matt recently beat some pretty bogus DUI charges. Good for you, Matt. However, I still feel the need to post his mug shot.

Amy and Matt have this totally weird dynamic and maybe I just don't get it because my parents are divorced, so I wasn't raised in a house where the parents are supposed to be "partners" or "in love" or even "like" each other. Amy and Matt rarely share affection. In fact, Amy reminds me a lot of a succession of PE teachers I had growing up… if you know what I mean. The most PDA they've ever shown is a kiss on a cheek. Then again, maybe Amy gave birth to his four kids out of her LP sized body and decided, "You know what? I'm done letting you touch me." But this is just pure speculation.

I love the daughter, Molly. In 10 years, she's going to be such a cool woman who I'd want to be friends with. She's so self-assured and comfortable with who she is. She's the one who has most noticeably changed over the course of the series and now she's like this awesome, composed adult. She'll be the pretty girl who doesn't realize she's pretty, and in college she's gonna bag the hot frat guy with a heart of gold and they'll move back to Oregon where they'll have 2.5 beautiful kids (…and maybe one will be little!****) and she'll run a mail-order handbag line that will be wildly successful.

Jake & Zach are great, and I love that they get along so well… blah blah blah. Let's get to the real reason I watch this show. His name is Jeremy, and he makes me feel like a total pedophile.

Jeremy is dreamboat. If I had the chance (and enough alcohol), I guarantee that I'd run my fingers through those luscious curls. And the kid has this hipster-ish fashion sense that is somewhat astounding considering he lives in the sticks of the great Northwest. He rocks the denim man capris like no one's business, and he makes them look good. The best part is that this kid has no idea just how fricken HOT he is. He dates these really generic looking girls, who I'm sure are sweet and all. But if Jer lived 600 miles further south, you know he'd be kickin it with Taylor Momsen or Miley Cyrus or whoever the youngins are lusting after these days. So its like watching a beautiful boy before he realizes how beautiful he is and becomes a total jackass.

…So now I've said my peace on the Roloff clan and probably been just a wee bit too creepy about my love for Jeremy Roloff. But I swear I won't ever try anything with him until he's 18. Unless he starts it… in that case, I can't make any promises.

****Oh, I'm so going to hell because I wrote "2.5 beautiful kids" without even considering that I was writing about a person who has a 1 in 4 chance of having a child with Dwarfism… My bad.

WHERE: TLC (to view on the idiot box), Roloff Farms in Oregon (to ogle in person)
COST: $49.95/month for cable, unknown amounts in fines for sexually assaulting a minor (but only until May 10th, 2008 - Jeremy turns 18 that day!!!!)

Friday, April 25, 2008


Hollywood Assistants like the Arclight. One of the main problems with today’s movie theaters is that they are usually found in malls. Now don’t get me wrong, I love malls. I grew up in suburbia and the mall was like my drug of choice all throughout adolescence (who needed beer when you could drink a delicious milkshake at Johnny Rockets?). To this day I still enjoy walking into a mall, smelling that weird mall smell and seeing like a bajillion baby carriages as well as little kids having scary temper tantrums. And while it’s totally fine to deal with that stuff when you just want to buy some flip flops at Old Navy it is the main reason why I don’t want to see a movie at a mall. Sure, it’s like killing two birds with one stone: see the latest Jackie Chan flick and then get your ears pierced at the Icing, but is it really a truly enjoyable experience? Parking alone makes me want to rip my eyes out and turn around and go home and just watch an America’s Next Top Model Marathon. Don’t even get my started on a mall during Christmas time. And that, my friends, is why Hollywood Assistants like the Arclight.

It’s fair to say the Arclight is the nicest movie theater in Los Angeles. I’d even go so far to say the world. And maybe even the galaxy. The Arclight is unlike any other movie going experience. For starters, it has assigned seating! Can you freaking believe that? It’s only taken like one hundred years for movie theaters to realize that you could actually assign seats to people going to see a show (unlike live theater which has had that under control for six hundred years already but whatever). The best part of assigned seating is that if you buy your tickets in advance you can just show up to the theater like two minutes before the movie starts. No hassle, no worries of getting a sore neck or going blind from sitting in the front row. Though if you are too late to the movie they won’t let you in. Which is another reason why I love the Arclight so much. There’s nothing I hate more than having some asshole show up to a movie five minutes late. It’s seriously distracting to me. I stare at them and concentrate of when they're going to go. Are they going to sit near me? Will I have to move? Am I going to miss a pivotal scene and thus be totally lost for the rest of the movie if they walk past me? Ugh, it’s seriously frustrating and makes me totally lose focus. I should be focusing on Cameron Diaz! Not some tardy jerk. But luckily at the Arclight if you show up late then too bad for you. It’s like an airplane. You missed your boarding call, well too bad. The airplane is closed shut and you’re just going to have to go standby for the next one. Suck on that, slow pokes.

Another great thing about the Arclight is the people who work there. Everyone wears a badge with their name printed on it along with their favorite movie. Just the thought of wearing the name of my favorite movie pinned onto my shirt stresses me out and makes me really reevaluate my life. What movie would I put on there? Would I go with a classic? Or some teen comedy that I can recite by heart? Oh, the choices. I’m not going to lie but I totally judge the guy selling me popcorn based on his favorite movie. I like the people who are the most honest best. In my opinion it’s so much cooler to say your favorite movie is Dumb and Dumber rather than The Battleship Potempkin (so pretentious). Another thing I like about the staff is that before each movie one of them comes out and introduces themselves. They give you some information about the film you are about to enjoy (good for those who have gone into the wrong theater!) and tell you they will be standing to the side to make sure that the sound and picture is to the highest standard (like our very own flight attendants!). It's beyond crazy. It's like "seriously? You’re going to do that? Just for us? Wow. Can you get me a pillow while you're at it?" That is first class service if I’ve ever seen it. And it really comes in handy too. Like the time I went to see No Country for Old Men and Fred Claus accidentally began playing. We just called out for our new friend Steve and he fixed it right away. Goodbye Vince, hello Javier!

The Arclight really is one of the greatest places in Los Angeles. Sure, it costs a fortune but it’s worth it. Really, really worth it. The only downfall is after going to the Arclight you get spoiled. This really is a one of a kind movie going experience. The thought of having to go to a theater early and find seats and then worry that some loser is going to stumble in late and you're going to miss the funniest joke of the whole movie is horrifying. And what if god forbid the picture is off and the sound is distorted? Where's Steve when you need him?? I need Steve! So that’s why if I have a choice I’m always going to go to the Arclight. Even if there’s nothing good playing there I’ll still go; that’s how I can explain seeing such movies like Mad Money and Martian Child. Though the 21+ screenings (where you can actually bring alcohol from the bar into the theater) helps with the pain of seeing a really bad movie. And let's face it, one day we hope to see one of our own movies in the Dome at the Arclight. One day, fellow assistants, one day.

6360 Sunset Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028
COST: $11-$14 based on the day and time (but worth every single penny!)

Golf Carts

Hollywood Assistants like golf carts. There are many advantages to getting a job based at a studio. But for us, one of the greatest parts of working on a lot is the nostalgic feeling it gives us. Going to the lot is not unlike going to college again. You get to hang out on a pretty, manicured campus. And with productions going up all the time, the chances of seeing some attractive eye-candy is much greater than it would be stuck in some stodgy office in Beverly Hills. Yeah, some of your agency’s clients might be hot – but you can only see that guy from that 80's sitcom that you had a crush on when you were 5 so many times before it starts getting old. And the commissary is like the dorm cafeteria – salad bars and frozen yogurt as far as the eye can see.

But the one thing we didn’t have back in the good old days was a golf cart to shuttle us around. We had to walk. Through the rain, through the snow, through the heat. But no longer! One of the great perks of a studio deal is that your office often comes equipped with a handy-dandy golf cart to and fro the far reaches of the lot. Or the not so far reaches. We’re not above taking the cart 300 yards to go grab some coffee. We’re wearing heels after all.

One important thing to remember is to tape a sign to your windshield identifying the show, film, or company you work for. That way, when the tram crammed with German tourists passes by, the guide can helpfully point out who you work for and you can have your picture taken as you smile and wave. It’s probably the closest you’ll ever get to feeling like a star.

WHERE: Burbank, Universal City, Culver City, West LA

COST: $15 for a monthly cart wash (on the company's dime, of course)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

St. Nick's

Hollywood Assistants like St. Nick's. I can remember vividly the first time I walked through the doors of St. Nick’s. My life has never been the same. People always say a dive bar is a dive bar, but I truly believe St. Nick’s is different. Sure, it is a dive bar, but it’s also so much more.

My first visit was in June of 2005 and on that night I immediately became friends with the bartenders, danced to ‘80s music, filled my memory card with pictures (mostly self-portraits) and puked in the bathroom. How many places in LA can you say that about? I was new to Los Angeles, still had no job, was living on a friend’s couch and was extremely doe-eyed. While I don’t remember leaving the bar that night, I do remember the morning after and thinking “wow, now that was a fun bar.” And my mind didn’t change after frequenting that bar at least once a week that summer (sometimes Friday night and Saturday night and even some weeknights). I can seriously write a novel about that summer. It was kind of like sleep-away camp. During the day we were all at our activities (i.e. finding jobs and learning to navigate the city) and then at night it was camp social (i.e. intoxicated pleasure at St. Nick’s). It was the best summer ever and St. Nick’s soon became the best bar ever (like our very own St. Elmo’s Fire).

And luckily for us it has continued to be the best bar ever. It’s way cheap, always fun, and totally easy. But what this Hollywood Assistant loves most about St. Nick’s is its familiarity. In this crazy, fast and scary world it’s nice to know that St. Nick’s always stays the same. From weekday work drinks to Friday night gatherings with your closest friends, St. Nick’s remains faithful. You're guaranteed to run into someone here. Whether it be the guy you got low with at the CAA Young Hollywood Party or that assistant from Imagine that you totally flirt with whenever you leave word for their boss ("you better have our number or else I'll have to come to Beverly Hills and give it to you myself, hehe."). It's true, you’re not going to meet Mr. Husband there (and if you did meet your boyfriend there, break up now! He definitely has some sort of VD). St. Nick’s is the kind of place you go if you just want to have a no frills night full of fun and belligerence and maybe some making out (makeouts are fine. You can’t get VD from kissing. Or can you? If so, I’m in trouble). St. Nick’s is like the slutty girl in college. It’s not the best quality but you’re always guaranteed to have a good time if you bring her home (not that I’m the slutty girl or have brought home a slutty girl, but I know enough slutty girls to know this is true).

St. Nick’s has been there for me during the good times and the bad times and I will continue to be a loyal customer until I am too old to drink there (true story: a friend of a friend once went home with a 50 year old lady he picked up here so I think I’m good for another 25 years. Thank god, I couldn’t imagine a St. Nick’s-less life. Would it even be worth living?) But really St. Nick’s is the one of the best bars in LA and a place all Hollywood Assistants have visited at least ten times. I am truly honored to share a zip code with this local watering-hole/Hollywood Assistant base camp. Viva La St. Nick’s!

WHERE: 8450 W. 3rd St., Los Angeles, CA 90048
COST: $10 and under or free if you're friends with Edwin or Marlon

Name Dropping

Hollywood Assistants like to name drop. Within their peer group, dropping names is the currency that lets those around them know how important they are and how far up the ladder they’ve climbed. Namedropping is a complex social institution in this town. There are many levels and each serves a specific purpose. By listening closely and following our color-coded guide, you can learn a lot about the true nature of a name dropper’s connection to a star.

LEVEL GREEN: The Celeb Spy
The most benign, these drops indicates that 1) This person gets out and about and sees notable people and 2) This person is enough in the know to recognize said people and drop them into conversation. This is a harmless drop, although it can become annoying if a person uses such drops constantly to make up for their lack of personality or conversation skills. Level green name drops become especially useful when one is forced to go home over the holidays and has to make conversation with high school friends with whom they no longer have anything in common.

Example: “You guys still watch The Hills? Oh, I see Audrina every morning at Coffee Bean. Girlfriend looks like a chipmunk.”

**Addendum: It is okay to text a friend if you see, say, Drew Lachey and you were both obsessed with 98 Degrees back in 9th grade. But it is not okay to call someone and say you just saw an American Idol if you don’t watch the show and you know they don’t either. NOBODY CARES.

LEVEL YELLOW: The Work Connection
These drops are most overhead in after-work watering holes, where people who have never met before (except by phone) are attempting to forge a connection with the virtual stranger enjoying a Miller Light across the high-top table from them. When your only connection to a person you’re marooned with is your work, some people will choose to drop a name that might bring them around to a common subject.

Example: “I was on a conference call the other day, and I heard that Rachel’s considering that part in Drew’s next movie. When the call was over, Drew called my boss and said she really, really hopes that Rachel takes the role. I know she’s dying to work with her. Have you guys heard anything in your office?”

LEVEL RED: The Personal Relationship
Occasionally, a notable person will actually learn an assistant’s name. Even more rarely, they might choose to socialize with these people who serve them so faithfully during the day. Why? Your guess is as good as ours. Perhaps they want to maintain their connection to the little people so they’ll have someone to thank in their next acceptance speech. Usually these relationships tend to be one-sided and often fleeting. However, they can provide name dropping fodder for years to come. Due to loyalty to their “friend”, droppers of these names try to make it seem like while they are name dropping, they are doing it begrudgingly.

Example: “I’m really not trying to name drop, I swear. But I was at Seth’s New Years Eve party last year, and he, Jason, and Jonah threw me in the pool. It was so much fun. We killed 8 bottles of Andre between us.”

LEVEL BLACK: The Delusional Jerk
These people are either lying or exaggerating level green or yellow stories to make them much more interesting than they actually are. They consider themselves in a higher caste than the people they hang out with, and they will drop names like its no tomorrow in order to illustrate just how much better they are from you. However, the secret is out: these folks are full of shit.

Example: “Wilmer invited me out the other night, and while we were sitting at his table at Villa, he offered me the last seat on his jet to Cabo next weekend. But I don’t think I’m going to go… I have other plans.”

Name dropping is just a don’t. We all interact with famous people. Hello, that’s why we all got into the entertainment industry in the first place. But that doesn’t mean we need to rub each and every encounter in our loved ones’ faces. Save a really good name drop for a special occasion and just forget all the others. Your friends and family will thank you for it. (Oh, sorry guys, gotta run. Corey Haim just walked into my office..)

WHERE: Every studio, agency, production office, bar, restaurant, etc. in LA
COST: Your integrity

Hollywood Assistants like Stuff.

Hollywood Assistants like lots of stuff. But unfortunately we can’t afford some stuff. Or rather, we can’t afford the really good stuff. We get by with what we’ve got and take advantage of this town. We don’t have kids, we don’t have spouses, and we don’t have mortgage payments. In fact, we may never have mortgage payments, because given what we make and the housing market in LA, we might be living in a studio off Fairfax until we’re 48. So we get to spend all of our time on ourselves.

Welcome to our world.